Oh My God! Oh My God! Death, Love and Mystery of it all.
Background - Time for therapy I was raised in a kind of a Christian family but I later shunned the religion and it's institutions completely as did my parents.
Background - Time for therapy
I was raised in a kind of a Christian family but I later shunned the religion and it's institutions completely as did my parents. In the good old days I used to use LSD, MDMA and Magic Mushrooms. Almost all of these substances were used in minimal doses and as a party drug; never as tool for exploration of my psyche. After 5 years of abstinence I have decided to return to the use of psychedelics, but this time in a strictly therapeutic kind of way. To prepare and learn more about this type of therapy I dived into the most comprehensive book on this subject; LSD Psychotherapy by Stanislav Grof, explored trip reports on Shroomery and Erowid, started a daily meditative routine and grown the P. Cubensis mushrooms from the grow kit I've ordered.
Saturday - Preparing for Take Off
On the day of my voyage I took it slow. I avoided all the usual information sources such as newspapers and TV and instead listened to some relaxing music, took my dog for a long walk into the forest and swimed in the nearby river. Later that day I cleaned up my apartment, installed some fresh flowers, prepared a bowl of fruits and honey and light up a few candles and incense sticks and print-out some motivational quotes in case I freak out.
Around 9 pm I was ready to ingest the mushrooms. Since this was about to be my first psychedelic experience after so many years my level of anxiety was extremely high. I made a quick prayer next to the statue of the mushroom I've made and asked the Spirit of the Mushroom, The Spirit of Life, my spiritual guides and all of those who have travelled into these realms before me to keep me safe. I then proceeded to eat the 1.2 grams of the dried mushrooms.
The Trip - Jesus, God, Grof and Hoffmann
About a half an hour later I could feel the experience is about to intensify rapidly. I've started the play list on the computer, turned off the lights, blown out the candles and lay in the bed. The anxiety level would continue to soar but I decided to go with it and see what will happen.
My mind was slightly confused. All sorts of strange images and emotions would rise up and I embraced them all. Anxiety and fear have dominated the scene and since these are the two feelings I have most trouble with in my daily life too, I tried to get to the underlying issue.
"Unfortunately", the dose was too high for my highly sensitive bodily chemistry and the experience was getting way out of psychedelic therapy and into the realm of transcendence. I tried to return to the issues of fear, anxiety and sadness I felt in my normal life but the mushrooms wanted to go further. It was like I wanted to feel the sadness, to mourn the things I didn't have the courage to mourn until now, to feel the depressed, but the Mushroom wouldn't have any of that.
It kept "forcing" me to let go of those feelings and lighten up. It showed me Hell and how hot it was and then kind of joked with me; like how prosperous would I become if I started a cold drinks business down here. It then showed me the joys of the world, but I kept returning to my morbid worldview and thinking how death has the final world and all is in vain.
In a second I was standing before a huge gate, the gate of Death. I was left in an amazing fear, respect and awe. These were the gates nobody returns from. This is The End. After the gates there is only silence. The Ultimate Unknown. We don't know.
During the vision I started to sweat uncontrollably and used my drinking water to splash my face and T-shirt. This then continued throughout the night.
Soon after cooling off my respect for Death and the mystical awe I was experiencing at the gates vanished and was replaced by mockery. I instantly knew I was going to pay for it - by dying.
I felt the tissue of my body started to disintegrate. And then the skeleton. And then my mind. And then there was Death. The Ultimate Unknown. After some time of this nothingness I started to feel something again. It was ultimate acceptance. It was Love. Nothing but mystery of eternal pulsating Love. In that instant I became overwhelmed and started crying. You see, my vision of God until now was based on the work of Carlos Castaneda; where God doesn't care about any of us and we live merely to expand its awareness after we die. Eternal love, reincarnation and "crap" like that was the domain of New Age ideas I came to despise. The tears that were flowing now were the tears of Joy in the realization that I was wrong. We truly are here to learn how to love. There is nothing to fear. There is only Love.
In that instant I was shown a vision of my very good friend who was in a car accident 5 years ago and is now completely paralysed. I felt the energy of Jesus Christ in him. I felt as my friend is some aspect of Jesus, and his old soul has chosen the disabled life to teach us about compassion. That was the final straw as I started crying and sobbing; "Oh My God! Oh My God!" I felt so unworthy. So stupid! So grateful! The tears wouldn't stop. "Oh My God! Oh My God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I cried and cried. I now knew the idea of reincarnation is true; I felt which of my friends belong to my group of souls in the afterlife. I felt the true nature of my being after a long time; I've felt how my restless soul wanders much of the time in abstract worlds instead of staying put, learning about love.
After I calmed down a bit my focus returned to God. I wanted to know why all the suffering exists, but I was given only a feeling of mystery. I wondered if we humans are special or the same as any other aspect of God such as plants, animals, rocks. I felt it doesn't matter. We are to have a human experience. I then broke down again, fell to the floor and cried uncontrollably; "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" And then I cried some more.
I contemplated what Grof, Hoffmann and other members of psychedelic community are truly doing. Guiding us gently towards the Truth. I was so grateful to them. I loved them.
As I continued to experience the feelings of Love towards these people I was struck by the idea that I might be gay; the fear I use to harbour from time to time. I thought to myself "God, not gay!", but then I realized it's just Love I feel; love towards men, towards women, Love towards everything. It doesn't matter.
As the trip started to fade I was left contemplating the relationship with my mother, who left me with severe emotional scars I am now left to heal. I hated her. I loved her. I felt I can't save her. Her sorrow is too deep. Her mind to confused. I felt the damage she's still doing to me and how I need to detach myself from her. To let go or perish. I was then angry again. Angry at the world. Angry at the people. I hated everything. But as I allowed myself to feel the anger, it too passed and I was left exhausted and at peace. Nothing but peace.
Dose: 1.2 g dried P. Cubensis
Bodyweight: 63 kg
Date: July 2005