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Intimate Bonding

For a long time I have been trying to find some shrooms.

For a long time I have been trying to find some shrooms. Last night was my third time doing shrooms. The first time I consumed about 3 grams of dried P. Cubensis and I think it may have been too much because I don't remember much, other than having a great time (I'm a male who weighs 145 lbs.). That trip was mostly just about fun and losing control, since I was in a familiar place with familiar people.

My second trip was much more mild, I had roughly 1.75 grams dried P. Cubensis. I was much more in control during that trip and it took place in the exact same set and setting as the first trip.

But my most recent trip was by far the most intense and ground breaking. I had obtained 3.5 grams of P. Semilanceata by a chance occurrence (some might call it fate?). So I asked a girl, A, if she would like to experience it with me, since she had never done shrooms before and she had told me that she had wanted to. I knew her pretty well at the time, but we had only really been talking for about 3 weeks. I knew that I could trust her but I didn't know her intimately well. We would find a place to go eventually which happened to be at, A's friend's house (also a female), L. I had never been there before and I know that it's an important part of set and setting to be comfortable with wherever you are. But I trusted them.

We arrived at L's house just a little past 7 pm. I separated out the shrooms by eye, trying to give myself about 3 times as much as I gave to A. I would guess I probably ingested anywhere from 2.0-2.5 grams. I had recommended we take them just past 7 so that we could watch the sunset. Since I hadn't done that in my past trips and would've liked to experience it. L's house is basically in the middle of the forest on the crest of a hill, surrounded by other hills. I hadn't had anything to eat that day and that might have been why I was hit so hard by the shrooms. I was starting to feel them about 20 minutes after I had taken them. Feeling a familiar uncontrollable grin come on to my face. At about 7:45 pm we all went outside and L (the sober one) suggested we watch the sunset from on the roof of her house. I was game for it but A required a bit of coaxing to come up despite that she was not really feeling the shrooms at all yet. While we were on the roof I got some good kaleidoscopic visuals and the sunset turned into a whole amazing spectrum of colors.

Keep in mind that I had only taken the shrooms less than an hour ago and the visuals and head trip was already more intense than my other trips. While L was on the roof with us she was laughing at the funny things we would say, using us as her "entertainment." Just a little after the sun went down she left to go somewhere. This is also the part where the trip gets twisted and out of control. A and I were trying to find words to describe the intense emotions and feelings we were having but we both knew words were futile to describe it. At some point after the sun went down reality started becoming convoluted. My mind was attempting to solve the problem of proving my existence. I was asking hard questions and for some reason I was feeling intense anxiety and worries. The visuals were extremely intense but my emotions and worries were my focus now. I actually spent some time talking about all my worries with A. I was worried that reality was just one big joke. That there is no "real." I remember huddling in a ball and starting to sob. I think that if A hadn't been there I would have jumped off that roof. She helped me immensely. I feel like I made a lot of progress working through all of my issues with her.

Eventually (it may have been 10:30pm-11pm) the anxiety dissipated and I was able to just enjoy the visuals and being close to someone who really understood me. We talked about a lot of things. The futility of people and their impressions. The people who we consider close to us. It was an outstanding experience. Around 11:45pm-12:00am I had come down pretty far and some people had come up on the roof with us (people I didn't know). Actually one of the aggressors for my anxiety was that being on the roof, we could see the headlights of cars drive up and I felt like I didn't really know them, like I would never be able to truly connect with any of them.

When A and I went back inside we were slightly overwhelmed by the people in the house. I was especially uncomfortable since I didn't really know any of them that closely and I had just had such an intense emotional breakdown that I just was very uncomfortable. Eventually I was able to engage in a conversation with A and a few other people. But I didn't start to really feel better until most everyone had passed out and it was just A and I sitting on stools in the kitchen talking and staring off into nothing, knowing that no matter what we said it could never encompass the depth or the scope of emotion we had just experienced.

So I now currently believe that there is no such thing as a bad trip. Just difficult experiences. I also believe that those are the ones you learn the most from. So I probably won't be doing shrooms for awhile but I definitely will do them again.

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