Forgetting Reality

Saturday 28th September

3 – 3.5g dried Psilocybe cubensis (home grown).
1g or so of Marijuana.

I’d been planning to do 3-4g of dried Psilocybe
cubensis for some time and as my mum was going
away for the weekend I figured it’d be the perfect time to
do it with some friends.
I’d tripped twice before on mushrooms from the same
kit and had a wonderful time on about 2.5g.

I’d had minor headfuck before and was quite
comfortable with this.
I’ve always considered myself to have a strong will and
strong mind so I was looking for a trip where I could
experience ego-death and loss of connection with
reality. I wanted to delve into the inner workings of my
brain and self and be in a true state of altered
consciousness.

I fasted for around 24hrs and proceeded to arrange the
house so the trip would be more comfortable and
enlightening.

At around 8:30 my friends came round and myself and
four others proceeded to eat around 3 grams all on an
empty stomach.
Two other trippers eat around 2g each. We also had a
trip sitter with us.

We put some music on the stereo, smoked some
marijuana and waited for the magic to work.

About 20mins after ingestion my body felt great and I
got a huge rush of euphoria after which I felt different. I
got minor anxiety but a spliff sorted that out.

I checked the Yucca plant in the corner of the room and
I knew if the leaves were shaking the trip was starting. It
was!

One other person who we shall call ‘J’ started to feel
the effects.
A few minutes later the wallpaper started to flow and
patterns appeared in everything. The carpet did the
usual routine of displaying tribal tattoo-style images
and moving.
The lights were bright and I felt electric. I sat back on
the couch and felt although I was sinking into it.
Judging by the intensity of the colours and swirling
patterns I knew this trip was going to be special.

I was captivated by the room and how alive it was. The
closed eye visuals were 3-dimensional and I was
enjoying it immensely.
I had wanted to draw and paint on mushroom so I
grabbed my sketchpad and pastels and lay in the front
room, drowning in the music of Brian Eno, ‘Another
Green World’, which is the most awesome trip cd.

I was sketching with pastels and when I’d drag the
pastels the colours would flow like paint and random
shapes and colours would drift and flow to form a
picture. I felt so happy and perfect.
After a quick tour of the house I went in the garden
which is the most awesome place to be. The long
grass was waving with purple and yellow fractal tips, it
looked like coral under the sea.
I lay back on a chair on the patio and the trees in front of
me looked like an oil painting. The trees were vibrating
and drifting and above them the clouds swirled like a
vortex.

The ivy next to me looked like a cage and there was
something trapped behind it. And I could see a living
thing trapped inside breathing. Then ‘B’ came in the
garden, he had taken a smaller dose but by now he
was talking to himself and drawing crazy pictures in the
sketchpad.

I lay back looking at the sky and faces appeared in the
clouds.
I heard a rumbling noise and in the sky there was a
flying saucer flying above the tree line with lights on.
Another friend, ‘D’, came out and I asked if there was
anything in the sky, he said there was a plane. I was so
happy that my trip was intense enough that I was
having true hallucinations.
Then I heard noises like laser beams and the flying
saucer was shooting at other ones. Behind other
houses I could see lights eminating and I watched this
show until it ended.
The clouds vortex would suck away the cloud until there
was holes left exposing the sky and I would see flying
saucers zooming past.

The noises around me were amplified and I could hear
all of nature, I felt in tune with everything.

I lay back down on the chair and ‘B’ next to me, took on
the appearance of a rabbit, and whenever he turned I
would see huge buck teeth on him, I couldn’t help but
laugh.

My head was racing with thoughts about life, reality and
perception and as I was walking round the house I
needed to lie down.

I had my computer on in my room with a huge mp3
playlist of good trip songs and a visual generator on.

I watched this for a bit and lay down on the floor. I felt
slightly nauseous and the visuals were getting
stronger. I couldn’t listen to music anymore because it
seemed too distracting.
My computer monitor looked like jelly and I had a lot of
trouble shutting the computer down. The keyboard
didn’t seem natural and I was having trouble figuring
out what to do.

I lay back down and soon I was sinking into the sofa
bed. I was having trouble thinking about real life and
how everything is when youre not on mushrooms. I
couldn’t recall what life was like. I looked at objects in
the room and didn’t know what they were.
I couldn’t remember what friends where or who I was.
I was getting thought loops that always told me this
was reality, I was trying to remember my family and my
life but it wouldn’t fit.
I came to the conclusion that this was reality and there
was nothing before. I started panicking and tried to
reassure myself. I wanted to go with the trip but the
overwhelming sense of fear I had was making
everything worse. I curled up in the foetal position trying
to convince myself I wasn’t insane.
By this time the visuals were incredible. The object
infront of me which was a chair, was melting away to
nothing. The whole room had turned into a visual.
There wasn’t a bed or floor. It was just a flowing mass
of fractals.
The lights were off and I could hear voices laughing. I
got intense paranoia that everyone was laughing at me
having a bad trip and I got extremely sad. I came to the
conclusions that the entire world around me was a big
illusion and all my friends and surrounding were fake,
there to simply make me think I was living. I didn’t know
whether my eyes were open or closed, open eye
visuals had completely merged with closed eye visuals
and I had no feeling in my body. I only existed as an
entity. I had no concept of time and I was simply living in
that moment. I felt like I had merged with the universe
and all around me. I had no thoughts, I felt pure and
primitive. I felt like I was simply instinct. The universe
and time had no meaning I had become part of it. For
me this was extremely profound and joyous. I had never
experienced such perfection and bliss. My visuals were
of evolution and life and I felt and saw an energy which
flowed everywhere.
Still I could not connect with reality and the horrible
thought loops invaded again. I was stuck in a perpetual
zone which slowly turned into my idea of hell. My head
would not get off the subject of no reality and I needed
something to bring me back.

My dog came into the room and lay next to me and
immediately I cuddled it. My body drifted into its and I felt
such empathy and understanding, I was connected to
the dog on such a level that I felt like crying. I opened
my eyes and everything around me looked like the
matrix except instead of green and black it had flowing
lines of purple and yellow energy.
My fingers melted into the sofa bed and I couldn’t pass
my hand through objects that weren’t there. My senses
were jumbled, I was seeing sound as colours and vice
versa. I cant explain what this was like but if you
experience it you will know what I mean.

After coming down a bit I managed to pull myself
together.
I went downstairs and explored the garden again. My
mind was tired and I felt emotionally and physically
drained.

After a few hours of not doing much everyone went
home and I had a few spliffs while watching Fantasia
with Pink Floyds ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ as the
soundtrack. The closed eye visuals were still amazing
and I had fun exploring fractal worlds.

Even though this experience was terrifying and I was in
personal hell for what seemed like hours, I came out of
it with a perspective on life and our interaction with the
environment.

I considered myself an explorer of the conscious and
subconscious but I was hideously unprepared.
I wont be delving into trips that deep again for a few
months because I don’t think I could handle the
emotional strain it can put on you.

I learnt so much from this experience but I only wish I
could have explored and remember properly the ideas
and visions I saw.

To be in a position of such purity and to feel so primitive
is something that cannot be described. There are no
words that can explain how moving this experience
was.

Michael Finch