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fear and loathing at college

I'll try to explain it to you but I can't even really explain it to myself yet so the following may or may not be incoherent.



I'll try to explain it to you but I can't even really explain it to myself yet so the following may or may not be incoherent.

It wasn't until we arrived at a park which we decided would be where we would be chilling first that things started to really go crazy. We were sitting under this massive weeping willow and I just remember looking up and watching the entire fucking forest start dancing and flailing. Even though it was dark I was seeing all sorts of colors and shit interact with the waving branches. As time past things began to get more and more frightening. I would look down and the ground I was sitting on looked like the home of thousands of worms and insects who were scurrying around really fast. I was just chilling on the ground trying to pay attention to whoever was talking me at the time but it was hard to remain sane when the ground under me was crawling. The faces of the people I was with became all contorted like they were stretching themselves. I could feel the effects physically effecting my body and making my feel things that weren't necessarily there such as a feeling of wetness on my fingers or prickly sensations. A buddy of mine who was actually on acid was reading Ginsberg that reminded me of somebody trying to say something important in the middle of a roaring hurricane. Someone handed me a book but I couldn't read it because all the letters were jumbled and irrational. They literally would fall of the page once I started staring at it for more than a couple seconds. I started to bug out a little bit at this point and wasn't in a very good place. I felt like I was at the mercy of the drug. I was thinking at this point that if I were a weaker person I probably would've broken down or some shit and not been able to handle everything. I found comfort in the fact that at some point it would end.

So we left the park, mostly because the trees were reacting violently to my presence and I convinced my friends that it was time to get the fuck out. we headed back to where we live, a fraternity house actually with about thirty other guys all of which I consider to be fairly chill. What happened after that I kept on thinking to myself at the time was a life changing experience but I'm not so sure anymore in retrospect. It's so hard to explain but it was like I could observe what my life was like up to this point. I was no longer bugging out and my mind was completely clear...I had all this strange morbid and sexual thoughts, shit that id never talk about with anyone. I thought a lot about individualism and how every opinion is important, no matter how wrong or stupid it may seem. There were several times when I would think about where I am going in life or be talking about something important to me and I would get inappropriately emotional and my eyes would fill with these fucking drugged out tears. Nothing to me was good or bad but everything was important and that pretty much sums my entire experience. I cant say I lost my ego because I kept thinking how much I understood now in this state that the sober people around me could never feel or understand. It was a feeling of overall well being and a completely lack of fear about death. I actually thought to myself I would not care if I died at some point in that night. Not because I want to die but just because I was so comfortable with the thought of death and it was easier to accept for some reason. The visuals were def still there but I was very used to them at that point and they served as more of a backdrop than the actual story and I actually really started to enjoy the dance moves that the trees were busting out.

Of course I did this shit when I had like a million responsibilities that day which is not a good idea for anyone. I kept on thinking about reality in terms of the obligations I had to other people; I was thinking that people needed my help and that I needed to get things done. After much discussion with my director and friend who I was supposed to be working with that night. He wrote the play and that night we were supposed to rehearse a scene in which I make out with this chick on stage, almost violently. I decided not to go to rehearsal because I don't think I would've made that chick very comfortable if she knew what I was going through. I almost did though, just for that experience of acting on drugs and had it been a slightly less intense scene, I would've probably done it just to see what it was like. It's actually my one regret for that night. I wish I just said "to hell with it" and tried that scene on shrooms.

the only way to describe it is a trip...a fucking emotional voyage, I'm not sure if I ever need to do it again but if I ever do, it is not going to be for recreational purposes as much for spiritual use and self exploration.


For anyone who hasn't tried tripping...do it once. It might suck, it might not be for you, but do it. Even if it is a bad experience which is unlikely, you will have those memories with you for the rest of your life, and you will be glad you do have them. No matter how "good" or "bad" they might be.

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