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buried alive

I'm a girl in my late teens and I'm pretty much a new-comer to drugs.

I'm a girl in my late teens and I'm pretty much a new-comer to drugs...only about 2 years. All of my other friends have been in it way longer. Whenever I try a new drug, I make a point of researching it. I find out what exactly is in it, what it does to you, how long it lasts and risks and affects on your body. I have always found that it's a safe trip if you are informed.

One night, I meet up with my friends at the coffee shop we usually go to. My friend Ryan has already taken a pill of E, Matt is on 2 pills, and Paul is on 2 pills and 5 grams of mushrooms. There's another guy Jordon there, but he was pretty much sober, just a little stoned. Paul says he's got plenty of shrooms left if I'm interested. I've been interested in trying shrooms for a while so I decide to go for it.

Me and Paul go behind the coffee shop and he sells me 1 gram. I decide just to take that at first since it's my first time and I don't really know what to expect. That was my first mistake; I did absolutely no research and I really had no idea what it would do to me. When I asked my friends what would happen, I couldn't really understand their answers. I understand now because I realize it's very hard to put into words, so this will be a challenge!

We hang out inside the coffee shop for a while until we realize we're starting to get to loud and too messed up to be in a public place like that without attracting a lot of attention. So we go out back again to smoke a bowl and Matt is sitting on the ground against the wall listening to Pink Floyd with his head phones on. I look over and he's having a great time. His eyes are closed and he's clutching the brick wall behind him with a massive smile on his face.

The people I'm with start asking if I can feel the shrooms yet and I reply that I'm not sure. I dont' like when people ask me that because then I start to think about it and I find it usually doesn't make for a good trip for me.

I start to look around and everything looks just a little off. Things look more vivid and colorful and I can see patterns forming in the brick wall behind Matt. All of a sudden everything turns red, like the moon turned into a giant red neon light. It's also very shadowy and dark. I start to enjoy it and realize, yes, I can feel the shrooms. I look over at Matt and he's staring at me with his massive pupils and there's a very dark shadow of a tree falling on him. He looks like some sort of gremlim, wood creature thing. He motions for me to join him at the wall because he relizes I'm starting to trip and his mission in life is to make sure everyone has the best drug experiences they possibly can. He pulls out the insert from the CD he's listening to and starts to show me some pictures. I look at one and at first all I see is black at first, then a few scattered bright white dots appear, then beams of light come out of the dots all directed towards the centre of the picture. Next a see a body float out from behind the light and hover just off the page. I don't know if anyone knows what pictures I'm talking about, but someone might know them.

I'm not very experienced with drugs that give you halluciantions so this is a new thing for me. I asked him if the pictures were supposed to do that. For some reason I thought they were similar to optical illusions or those magic eye things. They told me no and I started to get worried for some reason.

I looked around and nothing seemed quite right. My cell phone rang and all I could do was stare at the lights flashing on it until someone told me to answer it. It was my friend Krista. She doesn't do any drugs at all so she doesn't really understand me in that way. I tell her whats going on and she gets kind of worried, which makes me feel paranoid. I look over and Ryan is running at me full speed. He looks like he's a truck speeding down the highway and I scream for him to stop. He sees I'm scared and decides to run past me instead of into me. I start to tell Krista that I don't really like what's going and my ramblings lead to me telling her to come right away cause I wanted someone who was sober and who could tell me everything was fine.

I tell my friends that I'm not really having a good time but they were all trippin out so they didn't notice me. So I start to go 'Nobody's listening to me.' and it's like I snap back into reality and I realize that I'm now screaming it on the ground and eveeryone is crowded around me. I don't remember doing it, I just know it happened. I wasn't mentally there when it happened. I start to think that maybe there's something else going on in reality and I don't know it's happening because I'm not metally there. It's really hard to explain, but this feeling of being buried alive swept over me and I felt like I was trapped in my own body. I started screaming more, I don't even remember what about and then before I know it I'm crying harder and more painfully than I've ever cried before. Matt crouches down in front of me and tries to calm me down, telling me that I jsut have to let everything happen not to worry about, just ride with it. I start to have almost a temper tantrum and kick him away.

They had to hold me down and try to get my mind back. They told me that if I just accepted the drug, I would be fine. I had to mentally accept it. I asked them to tell me things that I already knew because it felt comforting. THey told me my name and where I lived, where I worked, who they were and where we were. I started to feel better until I thought about how I would get home in this state. I knew I would never make it. Anxiety and paranoia flooded me. After having another episode very similar to the first, they explained that they would walk me to my door and make sure I got home safe.

I told them to write me out a list of everyhting I had to do when I got inside my house such as: Take off your jacket. Lock the door. Take your contacts out.

We decided to go to Jordon's house because we didn't want to risk getting caught like this. THey had to tell me if I was sitting or standing before we could leave. I could have been floating for all I knew...my mind wasn't attached to my body. I just concentrated on controling it and making it walk. Just one step at a time.

On the walk over to Jordon's, I had myself pretty much under control and I was seeing the 'normal' things you would see on mushrooms. I looked up and there were two trees over hanging the path we were walking on and they looked like they were melting. I thought they were on the verge of dripping on us.

The only person I felt understood me was Matt. I was in my own world, my own universe. Everything around me was part of my universe and I felt Matt was the only one who actually knew about it. That part is very hard to put into words also.

THe way into Jordon's house, Ryan tripped on something and I tensed up and started breathing really quickly and almost went into another panick attack.

I was sitting with Ryan later and I just kept saying that I was sure I couldn't deal with it if I woke up like this tomorrow. I was afraid to go to sleep because I didnt' want to wake up to this world again. He said that that's the way he feels every day and this overwhelming rush of sadness came over me and we just cried and held each other for a while.

Since I had it pretty much under control, we started to tlak about what I was seeing, since my friends were curious. THey asked me what Matt looked to me and I said he looked all fuzzy. Ryan told me to go and give him a hug then and I coiled back against the wall, terrified at the thought of touching him.

A little bit later, Ryan walked me home and I sobered up on the walk because it took us over an hour. WHen I got home, I wrote it all down before I forgot it and sat in the living room staring at everything. It all looked messed up but not visually anymore.

The next day, I felt like I had been changed forever. I feel like I know more aobut myself, life and my own mind...even Ryan and Matt. I have a lot more respect for Matt because he can control that world and I can't.

I am definately not turned off mushrooms surprisingly. It was the best and worst experience of my life. I will never be the same again after that. I can't think the same way anymore...

My mission now is to conquor shrooms and be able to control and use that world the way Matt does.

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