All Alone

After my first mushroom trip with friends I decided that I needed to trip by myself. I figured it was a good way to work out some personal issues and get to know myself better. I had planned this day about a week in advance, so no one was calling me or coming by and I had everything I thought I would need (coloring books, Yellow Submarine video, fruit and a friend to call if shit got hectic).

Anyway, I took the shrooms at about 3:00 or so, pretty early in the day. I wrapped 'em up in some sourdough bread and washed 'em down with some pop, all of this on an empty stomach. I lay down on my bed and began writing in my journal, sort of passing the time between ingestion and the trip. About 10 minutes after eating them I started to feel funny. I'm not sure how to describe it, it's like I could feel my teeth. Sort of uneasy and excited in my gut too. If I recall correctly, it's similar to the feeling you get when you take acid, but a little mellower.

The first hour or so was spent pacing around my apartment. I couldn't decide where I wanted to be, and I always ended up lying back down on my bed and staring at the wood paneling on the wall. Also, I began seeing rainbow circles on my ceiling. They were getting bigger and then smaller. Pretty cool stuff. I tried listening to some music but that made me uneasy for some reason so I just sat in silence for a while hanging out and listening to people going by on my street.

Then it got interesting. The girls who live across the hall from me were having a party that evening, and people started showing up around 5:00 or so. I remember hearing them coming in, sounding happy and stuff, making jokes and horsing around and whatever. All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness. I couldn't believe how ALONE I felt. I mean, there I was living in a city full of people my age and I couldn't think of anything else to do besides lay down ALONE on my bed ALONE in my apartment ALONE with a head full of crazy thoughts. And meanwhile there's these girls across the hall having a grand old time with all their college buddies. Drinkin and laughin and whoopin it up. Back and forth in my head: the college girls and their party/me alone on my bed tripping my ass off. I started to feel pretty pathetic. Next thing I know I was crying but it didn't feel like crying normally feels. No sobbing at all, just water coming out of my eyes and me lying there. I felt a very intense sadness, but I felt complete. I felt like I was actually experiencing sadness (as opposed to getting caught up in the dramas and histrionics sadness can bring), and that was an alright thing. I zoned out for a sec and the next thing I know I come to and there's this HUGE grin on my face. I have no idea what brought this on, I was just staring at the wall at the time and I'm smiling my ass off. I went back and forth like that for a while, crying then smiling then crying then smiling. You get the point.

It's crazy what happens to your body on shrooms. I felt cold and warm at the same time. Once again, this reminds me of my acid tripping days. I felt a sensation on my skin that felt like cold, but I think it was just energy and my being more receptive to it. Does that make sense? Anyway, I also had this crazy slideshow going on in my mind. All these images kept popping into my head so quickly that I couldn't keep up with them. The one I remember most was a woman who seemed to be breaking down. Her mouth was wide open and she had her hands on her face and she looked pretty insane. Wasn't me though. Weird.

I never totally lost it though, it felt like it was too much at one point but then I had this thought and it calmed me down: "You are on drugs. That's why you feel like a lunatic right now. You'll feel normal again tomorrow, so enjoy it while you can." And everything was cool.

One funny thing that happened: A whole bunch of people showed up for my neighbor's party at one point and they were making a bunch of noise. I had just watched Breakfast at Tiffany's a couple days before and for some reason the image of Holly Golightly and the extra-long cigarette holder popped into my head. I started thinking about how funny it would be if I just showed up at their causal party in some crazy ass sequined outfit with the extra-long cigarette holder in my hand. I couldn't stop laughing at that image. Extra points if I managed to set someone's hair on fire.

I'm sure that so much more happened and I just don't remember. I tried to do the experience justice, but anyone who's done these things knows that it's pretty impossible to do so. All in all, it was a really good trip. I wouldn't recommend the solo experience for anyone who thinks they could flip out easily though, it gets INCREDIBLY intense at times.

cheeba
cheeba@chickmail.com