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Depression and GF

Hello, this was my first trip.



Hello,

this was my first trip. 4 days ago. (wow whatta experience ;)

one of my best friends, who's been practising this thingy already for a year - about 10 times, offered me to check it out. the bad news was that I had some depression left becuz of my gf (problems). he knew that, but I've assured him, that im pretty okay. means I wasn't ready enuff. well I tryied to make myself calm down a day before, so I hoped it'll work out fine. the friend didn't shroom that evening. he just accompanied me.

we just went out straight to the mother-nature, around 5:00pm. we had some little plan maybe roll around and get to the city later on, perhaps ;) he gave me quite little doze of dry shrooms.. (supposed to be low dosage) perhaps a few ps. cubensis shrooms.

first thing I felt was a little tiredness in the legs and light houghts. for an hour I guess. I had eaten some lunch before, so maybe thats why it didn't start that quickly.

first impression were while laying on the ground: I take a look at a big long cloud near the horizon, and in few seconds it seems some kinda solid one form while ears tingled for a second. I got frigthened, and turned away.

~1:15. keep on laying and looking at the sky I found the clouds forming some objects, and cloud edges became really nice, twirled a little bit. the white spots became brighter, they looked really cool. but when I glanced down to the ground, I didn't see any movement, twirling etc. grass and flowers were lookin still normally enough ;) my friend kept saying: "all of em say I don believe, they not working, its bullshit, but they WORK just wait a couple minutes ;)) I know one, who had overdosed…" that was funny really, I was coarse laughing about that adventure he told;))

~1:30. I feel unrest. laying on ground - bad, want to move, but when I get up, I feel tired - need to sit/lay down. this feeling started getting on my nerve.. a little bit ;) well finally I got used to it. no prob heh

we went somewhere and were rollin on some grass, near private gardens. some people were passing us, my mind was laughing out of everything, and I felt like they were looking at us. well that was becuz of some fear - they may suspect me ;) some dog passed by, friend says: "it's lookin at you strangely, calm down" but I felt like I don care, just more laughing ,crazy laughin - out of any detail he asked me or said to me. good that dog didn't think I was delicios or at least those shrooms I had inside ;)

finally, I wasn't observing the time-flow at all. it was ~2:00 tho, perhaps. we arrived to Statoil store. friend said: "goin get snacks and ice cream and stuff" "okay, I wait here" "just don go nowhere" "ok ok sure, I stay here ;)" I was waiting for him on some meadaow, then I felt grass looking stranger like higher and having curved endings, sounds became stranger, with echos.. I became a bit nervous, cuz it looked to me that friend's not coming back.. "ok ok I wait.. I wait.. huhu :)"

ok, here he comes back. he gives me those chips and cream.. ohh man WOOOW felling :)) it crackles, echos.. qewl! and fingertips feel like cream aint hard, it looks like it's liquid. I almost forgot these things are eatable, that was such an experience!! ;)) later on, we try eating chips.. hmm I feel taste ~2 seconds later than I should, and also again that ECHO!! wow. we kept walking, and I started pickin leaves and grass by the way we were walking, becuz it was such a nice sound, and they looked really NICE now - curved endings, and rich colors. even some trash on the ground turned my attention cuz it looked fluorescent.

people talking strangeley near the lake, some dogs bathing in that lake, bubbling, barking with echos.. unbelieveable.

afterwards we tryied play cards w/ friend. heh that was fun for 4 minutes: he plays normally, but I don get the rules: "so what game are we playin? ;)" oh, ok. I get the cards - so much that I need. but then I throw whatever, I cant think ;) he says :"ok that's enuf, we won, no goal on continuing ;))))" I say: "sure, was fun ;)".

I'd say ~2:15 (?). finally visual and sound effects gone to the background, and I cought myself in thought-rubbish ;)))…. we were going - I don't know WHERE, my orientation got dsiturbed. we goin on the pavement. he says: "so where we goin now? left-is lake, right-another lake, straight? or go back? Statoil there… cus I see u don get where we are .." if I been sober, I surely understood what he said, but THEN I just mumbled "oh shit, aint get nothing WHERE ARE WE?" I felt like just got out from the Moon down here on Earth.. there's a lake.. there's ANOTHER (?!??!) u choose. "oh man, go wherever, I follow ya" I felt real big fear,, disorientated.. I didn't get where we been, tho places were seen thousands and thousand o times. what is he talking?!?!? going further, another known places come out… im lost, doh! no logical sequence, how do we get here, I turn around and oh my !@# head is swimming hard.

later on more global thoughts come to the mind. like about meaning of life etc. I started questioning him who does he know, what friends of mine, does he know my uncle, parents, etc. I couldn't perceive who I am, where I am and who knows me. I got an impression of real life dissapeared, I don have to get back to home, cuz there AINT NO HOME anymore!! I know only this friend.. and all in all this life is a huge journey.. u make friends w/ someone… keep on walkin travellin. don't know, but somehow u split up - maybe make friends w/ someone else… or maybe just come up to grafitti wall, melt into it.. and became something lifeless - some image for instance… that's just some examples of thoughts I had by then.. he was askin me 100 o times:
"what do u see?" me:"…" no comment or "I don't get it. don understand anything" "wow"
"listen, u feel sick?" me: "me? why? no." I lost feeling of my real body. *belch* hmm no way im ok. no sick. still alive ;))
after he heard my questions (look forward) he asked: "hey u got crazy?!" me: "oh shit… perhaps I did. what bull-shit-minds are spinnin?..what way are we going now?! I don get anything!" I was in fear, that life is some kinda cycle, and I cant escape. I didn't feel im mortal, I forgot about my body… cars were stopping themselves on the road when we passed the street… for some reason.. truck passes .. wow watta weels, twirlin swirlin! ;)) heheh. well I don't recall visual details right now..
so .. I started questioning my friend like this:
"do ya believe in god?" "u know my grandma?" "do u know that and that.. etc" and his answers looked strange, not as ones that SHOULD be as in real life!!!!! I got impression he ate those shrooms as well ;)) and we both trippin now hehe. his face was convincing and serious. and I trusted his answers. looked, like _HE_ ALSO KNOWS, THAT THERE AINT NO REAL LIFE THAT WAS BEFORE. That was qewl and interesting feeeling!
me: "so we ate those shrooms or what?;)" he:"yes, you DID". me: "oh, okay now it's yer turn ;)". but (pitty) we had no more (really). my mind was drivin crazy, I thought we are both shrooming at the moment. I felt like no shrooms there were at all, this is REALITY, AND IT'S THE WAY WE (or me?) SEE IT. no former WORLD, the things that are going now IS REAL WORLD. and it's DIFFERENT. it changes. it'd threatened me a lot at first. I was afraid he (friend) will leave me alone. but he kept goin beside me. all ok. I'm calm. I gave him my satchel. wow, I feel free, im free. then I take a look at him - I see HIS satchel. but HE HAD NO ;)) well they were a bit alike, I noticed that later hehe.

I felt cold at some moment. I usually have some jacket in my back, so I started search for it in satchel, tho I knew - exactly - there aint no jacket ;)) I get my hands out of it, keep staring at them half a minute, and then realize: "hmm I got no jacket" ;))) real slow mind. ok I found cassette player inside. qewl, gonna listen some music.. ehh but one side of headphones not working. whatever, I put them on my head. "shit, not playing at all. both sides." next day friend says: "u hadnt even try to turn the player on" ;))))) cool.

most attention were on minds.. we went out of forest and I saw city.. wooow. it's a little city of Vilnius, but it looked so huge so many lights.. nice.. and the sunset at the rear. the time seemed to be stopped. I glanced 4 times at my watch.. west landscape wasn't changing, and I decided that the time has stopped. so I threw my watch somewhere: "why u need watch, if there's NO TIME" my friend became angry: "don't drop things, let's go back find it"… pitty we didn't ;) I hardly hadnt lost my glasses before, when I felt like I can see things clear enough without em. but then friend took those glasses and gave em back ;)) hehe less things to carry, I guess that's the moral perhaps.

the end: thoughts started torturing me that I got to meet my gf and make all things clear (LOL) - [that's what was - my depression came out, too bad]. my friend took that seriously and we started calling searching for her when she gets home etc.. that was fun for me, not for friend, because it was 5:00 after delicious shroomiez, and I was still in no-reality ;) the feeling was: "is it real or not" and I was on doubt. 50% looked like real life. cuz senses where saying so. but mind WASN'T. ;)))) illusion thats all. I look at people - they seem like dolls, don react when I wave at em. thats not real. I felt relaxed. I don care, all ok. they don't see me ;)

after all we got at gf's home w/ taxi, and her mother was inviting with a wide smile inside of da house. oh crap, she looked dam REAL. I been working at her office for 2 months, she was my director. but I never been in this house, and she doesn't know that her daugter is my gf… that was SUCH A STUPID PSEUDO -REAL FEELING LOL. I felt really strange ;)))) we waited til gf got back home. we went out somehow, and we (she and me) TALKED somehow.. I still couldn't believe that was 100% REALITY. I just was bubling smth like "m-hm", "mm-no", "yea", "oh yea?" etc. WE HAD to talk 100 years ago, and now we just been talkin like this LOL. she said all is OVER friendship and stuff ;((((. feeling was quite REAL, but thoughts WERE NOT - ITS NOT REAL LIFE, ITS !NOT! ;)))))) !@#$ that friend, he could tell me what was goin on, I was just outta my mind ;)))) I would never ever go to her house like this. never ever make such an adventure.

the action finished somewhere ~ 7:00 (that is 1:00am !). he gave me some antidepresant or some kinda tranquilizer (he's a medical student). but.. man o man I guess everyone thought I had some psychosis and im hardly unstable and sensitive … (except friend hehehhe,- I had some shroomies on my way LOL)

the moral: it went out pretty qewl that I tripped out there cuz all thingz became clear, and I canceled all that depression.. it was terrible depression w/ out any drugz, too many indistinctnesses w/ gf :((( BUT: never ever I could imagine in the most terrible dream that things can be finished w/ gf this way… u decide is it good or bad.. but I was trapped before. now im free ;)) it could have finished much WORSE THOUGH. MUCH. I CANT EVEN IMAGINE.

well trip was really cool for me. I loved it soooooooOOOO much. Pitty friend got nervous I guess at the end, cuz he had to follow my stupid ideas and not leave me alone, also that trip was takin so long.. Oh, BTW, pitty I had to return from that imaginery world, it was PERFECT, it looked like HEAVEN. truly. cuz I felt that I found the meaning of Life and other stuff. cant put into words… <no words>.

well.. to make sure things are goin be okay, never ever do shrooms when not stable, especially if got some depression. be cool, happy and u gonna get much more happy. I try it next time. this time I slipped by somehow, lucky ;) could be much worse…

yea, try estimate the level of this trip ;))) lemme guess maybe 2? cuz I don recall too many twirlsz swirlsz and hallucination stuff.

cyas!

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