Reborn

What I would like to describe here is my first mushroom trip. Since I felt a growing unhappiness with my life in the last years, I have started to experimented with psychedelics like LSD and 2CB, often in combination with MDMA, with the aim to learn more about myself and the reasons for the increasing unhappiness and pain.

I had heard about shrooms already for quiet a while, but I thought of them as being a quiet mild psychedlic, maybe a bit stronger than cannabis. When I finally made my first shroom trip, I was totally unprepaired for the extreme intensity of the experience.

Never having tried mushrooms I had no idea about the dosage.
I read on the web that 3g of dried 'stropharia cubensis' is supposed to be a medium dose, so I piled up what seemed about 10% of the 30g I had, and swallowed about 2/3 of it with orange juice. After about 15mns later I realized some effects and about an hour later I felt good, but I thought that there's room for more, so I swallowed the remaing 1/3 of the dose. The result was, that about one hour later I found myself in the most hellish nightmare I ever experienced. My mind was haunted by the most devilish creatures and deamons, my body was in pain and I was VERY near to totally loosing control. The time seemed endless and I was sure that I was going to die. I tried different types of music to ease the symptoms of fear and paranoia, but nothing helped. What saved me finally was the realization, that I simply had taken a huge overdose (although the amount of ~3grm isn't supposed to be that strong) and I could take appropriate measures to help me. I drank a lot and emptied my stomach, which gave immediate relief and I felt a lot better. But what an experience, I feel I was in contact with death for the first time in my life, and believe me, it's scary, it scared the shit out of me!! It made me feel very humble and thankful towards the gift of life, and at that moment I swore never to touch a shroom again.

Then things changed...

Feeling exhausted I took a bath and, lying in the warm water, it was as if I made a detailled trip through all stages of my life, reliving all feelings that have been in me, in a very detached way. It was all Ohs and Ahs, that's
how it is, now I understand, god damned, I finally got it...
It started with me being in the belly of my mom (yes, really ...), in this state of absolute dependency, where there is only one emotion: satisfaction, all needs are completely fullfilled, and there's only one thing to do: Grow. There is not the idea of a doubt that everything is completely and absolutely right.

Then things changed, birth is initiated and everything transforms into a nightmare of pain, suffocation and frustration. What I felt is an huge feeling of dissatisfaction ('I don't want to leave this place, what is happening to me?') and I went in some kind of a dialogue with my mom where she (but it wasn't really her, it was something 'higher', I don't know how to explain..) made clear to me, that what is happening is because it necessary and I understood. I understood that love was always with me, even in the painful process of being born. This understanding healed a wound which has been affecting all my life. The light in my bathroom radiated warmth and love and I melted with that love in pure extasy.

After having left the body of my mom I experienced a terrible sadness, loneliness and feeling of being lost. There was only one impulse: I need contact to my mother! and it seemed like ages until I was given into my mothers arms. She would gently press me onto her warm body
and in that moment everything was good, time stopped again and nothing bad had ever happened. I remembered lying on my mothers breast, the frustrations when the breast disappeared.. everything as clear as if it was yesterday, no, right in this moment.

Then the next episode started: I grew up and the first impules of wanting to split from my mother mother appeared, but still feeling very needy of her, it put me into a trap: Either gaining independency OR being loved. Again the dialogue started, this time I explained to my mother: 'Mom, I need to go away from you, I don't want to hurt you, but that's the way things are. I love you.' And she understood and let me go. In reality it's not that way, she didn't let me go and keeps holding me inside, but I no longer feel guilty from splitting from her, because I had to...

All in all, I had the feeling of undergoing a kind of healing session wrapped into an atmosphere of pure love. The shroom opened my eyes and allowed me to carefully relive and integrate some painful moments of my life.
It helped me a lot to undestand and heal the roots of painful feelings and fears of my actual life.

I find that shrooms / psilocibin is a much more useful psychedelic than LSD, which tends to be too weird to tell, what experience is valid and which is just mental carnival. Throughout the whole trip (except the overdose effects) I felt totally aware and clear and I also am much more able to remember what happened than after acid.

To all those who plan to shroom for the first time: Be sure to have someone with you to support you when things go mad and don't underestimate the intensity of the trip.

If anybody has had a similar experience on mushrooms as me then I would be glad to hear from you: nightbreeze@gmx.net