It's getting to be quite a few years back now that Walt Disney made a
terrible film called The Black Hole. It was supposed to be about the
human impulse to get into trouble, I think. I'm guessing that quite a
few people responsible for this mess did, indeed, get into trouble.
This forgettable flick comes to mind because I happen to be in just
that sort of a jam right now. Maybe those feedback loops aren't dense
enough to suck all the light out of things, but I was sure as Hell stuck
and you can believe it sucked being me for a while. Bad enough that the
only way I could calm myself down for a while was to say "I'm not going
to do this anymore."
I do think the shrooms will be useful to me again someday, when I am
ready for them. But for now, I need to catch up. I'm not ready yet.
I recall thinking that it's been an hour and a half and nothin's
happening yet, might just get some sleep. Way my bowels have been acting
up these days, lord only knows what I was thinking takin shrooms just
about now, anyway. Course, I was a lot higher then than I realized.
I thought I'd write a little. I wrote something about religion being a
light in the dark, which is all well and good. It gets to be a problem,
though, when it starts to beat happy folks over the head. To see the
light in the dark, you first got to point out where the darkness is, and
religion these days has excelled in pointing out where all that darkness
Probably how it's always been.
I knew I was in trouble when I wrote something like this:
life is a continuous crisis. it feels like this moment is the only truth
there is. There is the continuous resolution of crisis.
Familiar stuff. And if you listen to it all, it's the sound that's been
rolling along forever... it feels like things are deteriorating by our
way of looking at things, what with a god whose first words are basically
"Adam... Eve... Oh, shit, there goes the neighborhood."
We're all in this together. It doesn't matter that we understand it. We
keep on doing it anyway. We can try to argue with it. But you
understand, before I've even said, that you can't say no to it without
saying yes to it. For existing is a tacit agreement with it all.
I wanted it to stop. All this irritating ommm noise.... I wanted some
peace and quiet.
But you realize how much NO!!!!!! sounds just like OMMMMMMM
But I couldn't help but fight it. There were moments when I accepted it
and just floated along. But most of the time I was screaming for the
flow of crises to end.
Course, outside of the crises there isn't anything. And the Ommm sound
keeps rolling along, despite everyone's best efforts to be saved from it.
You know what I'm saying? I'm still up there enough to just send this
without proofreading, so I hope I've conveyed what I experienced. And
why I'm not ready for it. And why I think I need to grow some before I
go out there again.
No matter what, you come down needing a shower and a hug.