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a healing

3 months ago I went out to the desert with a trusted friend as my guide.

3 months ago I went out to the desert with a trusted
friend as my guide. I had fasted for 2 days. We hiked to
our special spot, a remote area where we would not be
disturbed. I ingested 3.5 grams of mushrooms and
asked that this trip heal me of the damage done to my
sexuality by early childhood trauma.

I was ready for this healing but not, in any way,
prepared for the intensity and terror of the trip. The
shrooms came on like a Mac truck. One minute I was
here, the next I was THERE. I was utterly flattened.

For two and half hours I writhed on the desert floor:
crying, gasping, muscles contorting, screaming. It
came in huge overwhelming waves. Very much like the
contractions of child birth. In between the waves, I was
able to just catch my breath enough to ask my friend if I
was dying. Each wave took me closer to the gates. I
believed they were the gates of death. Each wave
demanded a release. I let go of my friends, my
husband, my son. But the final gate demanded my
breath. I wanted to enter that gate but I could not cross
over. My terror was too great.

The waves came sometimes in the form of a great
cosmic snake. I would alternate between being the
snake and being my own hapless ego desperately
clinging to the tail as I whipped through the ether.

Finally, finally the trip was over. I then had to hike back
to the car in 110 degree heat. It took me a good solid
week to recover physically from the experience.

And now the truly amazing part. It’s gone!!! All the fear
and terror of sex is gone! If any of you have been
sexually abused as a child, you know the concrete-like
nature of that fear. I have lived with it for a long, long
time. I thought maybe it would come back, that this was
only a temporary respite. But I am now convinced that
mushrooms allowed me to relive the experience and
stay with it until it passed completely from my body.

I am deeply grateful, to the mushrooms and to my
friend who guided me. She provided the trusted
presence that helped me to stay with the experience.

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