It was due time for an adventure! Twenty five years and no mushrooms. That was me, but tonight, I would change history. I had four companions, Jesse, Ryan, Neewa, and Jennifer. The two guys ate with me, the two girls abstained. I ate mine on an empty stomach.
We were in my basement, sitting on couches and talking. Reality began taking on a different visual meaning, as patterns swirled on the carpet, and everything appeared to be covered in a layer of iridescent life. Using a flashlight, I could actually see this life in more detail up close. It was the aura of life, of the bacteria and creatures living beneath my natural view. Suddenly I realized there were other people, and that these people were the most complicated lifeforms on Earth. Without warning, movie characters I had watched in the past were suddenly me.
I was Dr. Evil! I was Gandalf! I was a sum of all powerful stereotypes rolled into one humorous ball! And with this power, I would take over the world! Yes, and I would rule with a monkey fist, bumping and tickling everyone into submission! I would spread the plants to all, we would rejoice and grow alongside our plant companions! No more hate, no more wars.
I began jumping up and pacing around, shouting things:
“I love Canada!”
“That drink is evil! Eeeevvvvvviiiilllllllll!”
“I must predict everything that everyone is going to think!”
“Why are the pool balls moving like that? What is the pattern here?”
“Jesse! Help me! I need a henchman to help me conquer the world!”
“And then… apes ate mushrooms…and then… humans… AND THEN”
“Damn aliens, quit studying me and give me some privacy!”
“Reality is alive.”
“I feel nautious. But I won’t puke. Puke is my archenemy”
“I love you cabinet! Hahaha!”
The flashlight moved in accordance with my vision. Since reality was so mashed, I had to use the light to focus on things. Where I shined it, I could focus my eyes. I could see reality. Constant flashlight in the Jesse’s face began to annoy him, so he picked up a Steyr TMP airsoft gun and began shooting me! If you have been shot by one of these, you know how much it hurts! The TMP is fully automatic, and he emptied the 40 round clip into my back as I ran away, laughing my head off! It’s hard to describe, but the bullets felt like they went through me, as if dropping a stone through gel. For an instant, I thought I was done for, I thought I had been killed. After I caught my breath, “What a rush! Don’t ever do that again!”
At the end I discovered myself dressed in my black housecoat, with a cowboy hat on, three multicolored monkeys hanging around my neck, Homer Simpson slippers on my feet, a wooden walking cane, and a psychedelic wooden pipe hanging out of my mouth. Plants were arranged all over the table, surrounding a smoking green mushroom hooka, its eyes staring at me, its mouth a big grin. “What the fuck happened here?”
Yet I had no hangover. My head was swimming from being overwhelmed, but it was not pain or headache, it was satisfaction. Afterwards, we went to see Ali, and I had a hell of a time… happy with reality, feeling at ease. Happy to be in Canada: how great a society is this where one person could have such a great time? It was beyond patriotism, it was love. awwwww
My friends still remind me often of that night, where I went completely insane yet still made sense, as if acting out some bizarre comedy sketch. Next time: videotape! :)