- Forewords -
This is the the first trip report I have ever written, and probably the last one too. It was me and my four friends (let's call them) George, Noel, Eric and Carol. It was the first time to consume mushrooms for all of us (except from Carol who had tried a single one the night before when watching a movie). I ate about 2.5g dried Psilocybe cubensis (and my friends between 2-2.5g) that we had gotten from a local dealer. We were tripping in a four/five roomed apartment where I and Carol lived (with another girl too, but she was gone that night), in a small town in the northern of Sweden. Having read a lot of trip reports, FAQ:s and such here on the shroomery I thought I knew what to expect. I was wrong, terrible wrong.
- The Journey -
I laid on a mattress in the living room and in the beginning I felt nothing, but after a while I tried to make up my mind if things were slightly moving and if the mushrooms caused my calmness or if it was just placebo. The feelings were not strong at all, so I said that one should be able to go to work after doing this. Then George (who had started eating the mushrooms a few minutes earlier) laughed out, claiming that it would be impossible. For something like ten minutes I didn't feel any changes, but then it was like an explosion.
A strong euphoria came over me. I had never felt anything like this in my whole life. I had never felt this good. Everything I looked at was amazing. Soon all of us where in the same stage and we were discussion the stupidity of doing common social things. Why build huge skyscrapers? Why go to work (now I totally understood what George meant a while back) or school? Why do anything at all? Just the idea of being a creature called human was absurd. How can people call mushrooms a drug? When you take something like alcohol or canabis you are still left in the same old world, mushrooms have nothing in common with those! We were in another place! At the same time there was a feeling (not psychological one, but rather a physical one) of recognition. This had happened to me before. This was always happening. This was the only true thing that had ever happened.
After a while I got up in a sitting position and we decided to try smoking. This was the most amazing cigarette I've ever had in my whole life. When the smoke came into my body, down in my lungs, it was like I could somewhat see it inside me or as if my lungs all of sudden, were made of some other matter than before. I smoked the cigarette for a while and then put it down in a cup. When I saw the glow down in the dark shadows of the cup I was consumed by its beauty. I put my fingers down there to take up the cigarette again, but I got stuck in doing this movement over and over again because it was so interesting.
I think this was when I realized that when I closed my eyes I could see very clearly two dimensional, mathematically perfect patterns. I just had to laugh, what I saw was the most stupid thing I've ever seen. It was small stars, Christmas trees and gingerbread men holding each others hands and dancing, everything built of red, green and blue neon-like strings. Not that I could hear the sound of it, but at the same time I had an odd feeling of circus music playing in the back of my head.
This was when we got up and started to walk around the apartment. Something that scared me was that I felt I had very little control of myself. It was as if I was watching myself in a very objective way. Now, Carol went into her room to sit with the computer and communicate over Internet. I couldn't possibly understand how she was able to do this, or why she even wanted to do that. There could be nothing less interesting! Anyway, when we were walking around the apartment George said that he thought he had peed into his pants. I understood he was just hallucinating, but when Eric agreed that he maybe had done it I suddenly saw that the entire floor was wet. It was water everywhere. I touched it, it felt wet but it didn't feel like real water. No, George had not peed into his pants. I also felt, and I think I had felt it for a while, that the area between my legs was warm and wet, as well as my nose and some other parts of my body.
Now the feeling of everything being wet grew very strong. All, including myself felt as if it were made of liquid rubber. If I touched something it felt like it made small waves everywhere. I both saw this and even felt what the walls were feeling.
Now, George locked himself up in the toilet, claiming that he begun to get paranoid and that the rest of us were monsters. I went into my own room where it was dark, laid on the bed and was just amazed about everything. Sitting in the darkness was a totally new experience.
After a while George seemed to calm down and we all (except Carol who would stay in her room with the computer for the rest of then night) went back to the living room. This was when the peek of the trip came for all of us. We all somewhat felt that we were one person. Our egos melted together and we were all thinking the same thoughts. If I said something, all the others had been thinking it. Sometimes we didn't even know who of us it was who talked. Most of what we said was words trying to describe what was happening to us. But no words were enough and there was so very much that happened all the time that describing just a second would take an eternity. All we could say to describe it was "it's fantastic" and we used that sentence over and over again.
There was a strong feeling that this was impossible, it just could not happen. I was thinking in a mind loop The reason that this is impossible, is that the reason that this is impossible, is that the reason that this is impossible...
The mind loops were there during the whole trip. Most of the thoughts just went on and for all eternity. I didn't come to any conclusion, it was all just questions of what the questions were.
Laying foetus-style on my back, I started to roll backwards and forwards. Once again I saw very stupid patterns when I closed my eyes. It was still made of red, green, blue neon strings, but this time it was an entire city. The shapes of the houses were silly as too, it looked like something out of a Tim Burton movie and it all rolled together with my body. When I opened my eyes I could see an other type of pattern, like a transparent three dimensional blanket shifting in yellow and green colours.
I don't know for long we stayed here since I lost track of time. We were discussion things like how silly Columbus was, going all the way to America. To take a journey to the kitchen would be enough!
At some time we got up, because what I remember next is Eric falling down on the floor in the hall, making me really nervous. He got up quickly and decided to go to the bathroom. Now, with him all locked up in the bathroom, alone, I began to feel very bad. Apparently George was feeling the same as me, because he decided that we should go back to the living room, turn of the lights and try to go to sleep. And then came the fear...
Once again I came into a mind loop. The reason that I was afraid, was that the reason that I was afraid, was that the reason that I was afraid...
I had never been this afraid in my whole life, and I'm sure that knowing that you are just about to die is nothing compared with what I felt there. I was afraid of myself doing harm to myself, my friends doing harm to themselves and my friends doing harm to me. Would they get a knife from the kitchen and stab me? Probably.
I was falling in a dark, living and very evil three dimensional tunnel, this one built with the same red, green, blue strings as all the other patterns. It felt like I fell for hours and hours, I just wished for the trip to end. But at the same time I thought it would never end. I had gained such information that could never be forgotten. I was doomed to stay in this madness for the rest of my life.
I think it didn't take more than ten minutes until I decided to check what time it was. There would still be two more hours of the trip, but fortunately the peak of it was gone. We decided to turn on the lights again, sit on the sofa, talk with each other about normal things and watch TV.
Apparently, Noel didn't have the fear until now when he understood that we were having it. But he was lucky he didn't get it earlier, because now it was at least possible to handle. We calmed each other down, talked with Eric who still was on the toilet and he was feeling well. The last two hours were very hard to work trough. The people on the TV were scary, my friends were not trustable and my thoughts were wandering away into places I didn't want to go. We had to stay focused on the conversation.
I was slowly calming down, and the trip was slowly going away. I still felt that I would stay mad for the rest of my life, but that feeling was thankfully gone when everything was over.
Now I felt very depressed. All my world had been turned up-side-down. Nothing was like it was supposed to be. Everything felt strange. I had never felt such an apathy and loneliness. I was having a crush on a girl at the same period as we took the mushrooms. The feeling I had during the trip was so much more overwhelming than the feeling of love.
- Afterthoughts -
This was just a rough description of what happened. Most of the things that I felt and thought are impossible to describe in words, so I didn't even try.
The first weeks I did regret that I ever took the mushrooms. Now it has been something like seven months and I try to see it as an experience. In some ways it has changed me as a person, somewhat both social ways and in the ways I think. For example, I still tend to think a lot about it, and the funny thing is that what I think is somewhat a mind loop. The reason I think much about the trip, is that the reason I think much about the trip, is that the reason I think much about the trip...
Before I took the mushrooms I never used to have any problems with it, but these days I'm sligthly paranoid and the feeling gets a lot stronger when I smoke marijuana. I tend to go into the mind loops, be afraid of my friends and such things. I also get very clear flashbacks from the mushroom trip (and strangely enough about things that did not even happen then) which scares me. Maybe this is a good thing. I'll probably quit doing drugs.
I'm currently together with the girl I had a crush on and I love her. I sometimes feel a bit alone for having experienced this, not just with her but with all the people on the planet. But recently I've begun to overcome this, and to see the mushrooms as nothing but a drug and I think that even if love is not as extreme as the euphoria, its is a much more beautyfull feeling.
Mushrooms are nothing but a drug, not a link to the true world. Not a link to the true world. Not a link to the true world.