Trip to the Core

I'm having trouble categorizing this trip, because of how
powerful it seemed to be. I would say that it was a
strong level 3 experience.

The only thing that I had eaten that day was a package
of pizza rolls, so my stomach was pretty much empty by
the time i ate the shrooms. I ate 1.75 grams of p.
cubensis. I found out later that night that they were
VERY strong mushrooms.

I dont particularly mind the taste of the mushrooms, just
the bland aftertaste that ensues a few minutes after
eating them, so for me, eating just the mushrooms with
a bit of water is not a particularly difficult thing to do.

I dont know the timeframe for the night unfortunately, as
i was simply too scared to even acknowledge that it
existed, but more on that later.

I wrote the trip "Trip to Anywhere," so you can get a
quick intro on me by reading the first couple
paragraphs. I have only done mushrooms 3 times
before this one. This is my first truly bad trip as well.

I dosed at a house party i was at which happened when
a rave i was supposed to go to got busted by the police.
So there was great music, and it was fairly crowded
wtih alot of people i didnt know.

I ate the mushrooms over a period of maybe 20
minutes, so the coming up period was unusually long.
I began to feel like the anxiousness was going to be the
overlying theme of the trip, which of course, it became. I
felt more and more dissassociated with the world,
things began to feel more and more fake. I slowly
came to the realization that i didnt belong there, i am
not really supposed to be alive in this world right now. I
wasnt feeling suicidal per se, although at one point, the
thought passed so quickly through my head that i didnt
even have time to let it even form in my head as an
impulse.

As my dissassociation increased, so did my visuals.
By this point, i was becoming very afraid. The visuals
were fascinating to me, and did not scare me in the
slightest, i just had this feeling of absolute terror of
reality and having to deal with it.

I was handed a pipe with some pot in it, and as it had
helped with my anxiety earlier, i took a couple big hits.
WOW. Suddenly, i went from having slight patterning
and some very mild closed eye visuals to full on open
eye hallucinations. The movie the Matrix was on, and it
was like looking at it through a kaleidoscope. I could
see the image, it made total sense, but it just looked
totally different...things were morphing, patterns
appeared, it all looked like it was made of liquid. It
absolutely fascinated me...i have never had real visuals
before... Also, when i would look at wood, it would
sudenly not be a flat surface anymore, but had a 3d
texture, like indentations and such....i loved the visuals.

Unfortunately, i couldnt love them enough to bring me
out of my negative thought loops. Someone had told
me at the beginning of the party that people of my birth
sign are very introspective and self critical...and that is
exactly how i was throughout the trip. I simply would not
let myself feel joy...it was as if feeling happy was lying to
myself and not being true to what i felt was important. I
dont really know how to describe it better. Also, any
thought that occured to me about going outside, or
responsibility of life terrified me. I didnt know how to
deal with the pressures and responsibilities, i simply
didnt know how to function as a human being in society
anymore...

I was able to come out of these thoughts every once in
a while, when someone would talk to me, or when the
music was particularly amazing, but everytime i realized
that i was enjoying myself, i would bring my mood back
down. It was as if my mind thought it had to punish
itself for some reason.

The visuals were awesome, seeing 3 eyes on people,
trails, everything, it was awesome. I just wish i had
been in a more positive state of mind at the time. Then
i could have truly appreciated how beautiful the music
sounded and how amazing everything looked.

Afteri realized that i was starting to come down, i began
to feel more at peace with myself and accepting of the
situations i came to realize existed. I began to actually
let myself feel happy. I also realized that what i had
experienced the night before is a core part of my
personality that needs to be dealt with. I realized that i
do fear making decisions in life because im scared that
i will fail...and so im just floating along, doing nothing...

Then i got home. I was still tripping slightly, but i felt ok
finally. I came into my room and found that a bunch of
stuff, including my bong, a bottle full of water (with no
cap), and a couple model cars were knocked on the
floor and spilled everywhere. i realized that my dad had
come in at some point during the night, and did this,
completely breaking all trust i had in him and in people.
I had been very open with my father, and he was
actually in approval of my drug experimentation
because of my attitude toward them, and my desire to
learn and not just party (which i think also lends to my
guilt for enjoying the mushrooms...since i want to learn
so much, and look down so much on simply taking
drugs for fun, i wouldnt let myself have fun....but thats
another story).... So, when i saw that he had done this, i
felt as though it was the final straw, my backbone of
trust in people was immediately destroyed.

I smoked a little more pot, to try to calm my nerves, it
helped a bit, and i started to get tired. It was around
7:30 in the morning by this point, and i decided to try to
go to sleep...i finally did and woke up around 3:30 in the
afternoon...

The next day was spent dwelling on the same things
that i was while i was tripping. I simply couldnt accept
the way i saw reality, as a totally meaningless game
with no real reason to try to succeed because it doesnt
mean anything anyway. I didnt know how to know that,
and still play the game... As time has started to go on,
ive begun to accept it and just realize that its possible to
live like i have, and still know how much bs everything
is. Sometimes i seem like i get very depressed, like
this day, but the more ive learned about myself, the
more i realize that i am always making myself
depressed because i only focus on the negative
aspects of my personality and dont accept anything
positive as real..

I think that even the most negative psychedellic trips are
positive as long as you are able to learn from them.
Drugs dont always have to be fun to get something
good out of them. As long as i continue to have
experiences that i am able to learn important things
from, they are positive...

I just hope that im right....

thanks :o)