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the disconnection

this was by far the worst trip of my life.



this was by far the worst trip of my life. the story is long, but it was a long night. i acquired four grams of mushrooms to get myself through a friend's dead-boring party. i was told not to do all four at once, that they were extremely potent. so, of course, i did all four, becuase that's the kind of shit i do. when i caught myself listening to the wallpaper an hour later, i knew i was in for some weird shit. i stumbled around, looking for some distraction, which i found in a painting of a waterfall. as i watched, the pigment started to shift around, until bam! it was a woman in a veil giving head to jesus christ. it all made sense. thi was what the artist had been intending to paint, and i was the only other person to figure it out. then the woman in the painting reached up and slapped jesus in the face. i fell off my chair laughing. when i reached for the wall to pull myself up, it caved in unde my fingers. i couldn't get a grip on it. a friend helped me up, maing a snide comment along the lines of, "having a little trouble with the paintings, are we?"
all i could say was "goddammit, wallpaper doesn't make noise, does it?" she realized i was fucked off my head and tried to play along, telling me that, yeah, it did, talking in a calm, soothing voice, which only made me want to rip her head off. i was starting to feel really physically uncomfortable. i was hot and cold at once, itchy, restless. it felt like every molecule inside my body was spinning out of control, trying to burst out of my skin. i went outside to smoke a joint with some friends, hoping it would take the edge off. this made me all twitchy and i started biting peoples' shoulders, for no apparent reason. a friend of mine who was fucked out of her tree started doing karate kicks at me. she must have been five feet away at least, but i could feel the impact of her foot against my skull. ater this, i went inside and really started to lose my head. i couldn't see anyones' faces. when i looked at them, i saw bodies, and i knew their faces were there, but there was nothing in their place, not a dot, not a hole, they just didn't register. the absence of a face didn't even really register. i went back to watch the painting, but it wasn't the same, now was skooshed around, dripping and shifting, spinning in the most nauseating way. this disturbed me, because it had been the only thing i'd felt "connected" to that night (which is idiocy, cause it's only a painting). i found that everyone had left, and that i ws alone, and completely lost . i knew where i was, and where i should go, but i couldn't get my brain to make the connection. couldn't walk, couldn't talk, couldn't even remember my own name. i was listening to a tape of dancey industrial music, and as i stood there, lost, frozen, each individual sound on the tape picked up a part of my body, and revived it, got my heart beating, got my legs moving. unfortunately, they were all moving to the same basic beat, but at different speeds. i stumbled ahead, couldn't stop. ran through three red lights, and when i turned around, i saw myself dead in the middle of the street. this only made me laugh hysterically, because i was horribly confused: which me was real? was i dead, was the thinking me just a spirit walking away? would this happen the next time i died, a new me coming to life and just carrying on? i was sure i heard some screaming, but it sounded too far away for me to pay any attention.
so i kept walking, growing more bewildered. i couldn't feel the pavement under my feet, and all i could see properly were the blinding streetlights. the physical discomfort was getting harder and harder to ignore. my skin felt about ten sizes too small for my body, but when i touched my face, i could feel my cheeks sagging on to my shoulders. felt like i was covered in a corrosive chemical. i threw myself down onto the pavement (so it was there, after all) and started trying to peel my skin off. all i could think was "shit, people will read about this in the papers, and they'll LAUGH!" i could feel blood running all over my body, but when i looked down, i realized that i couldn't be bleeding cause i had no nails to scratch myself with.
got on the subway, and the visuals got tacky. the stones in the floor of the station all popped out, so that th ground was just a big white slab of swiss cheese. i kept thinking i should throw myself onto the tracks. going onto the train, i was greeted by a million pairs of feet, which was strange cause it was about 1 am. i made a huge, flying leap and cleared them all, but when i looked back, there was only one woman sitting there, and she was laughing at me. gray spirals and flames started dancing around the edges of everything. i hate gray. orange-and brown paisley patterns covered all the seats. all i wanted was for them to go away. i shut my eyes and tried to find the words to describe what scum i am. i figured that in the grander scheme of things, i'm a cancerous growth on one cell of a scab under someone's toenail. i made a vow that i'd do something important with my life. at home, i watched trainspotting with the volume off. shit, what a masterpiece. despite the melting faces and colours i knew were all wrong, i could focus in on the tiniest dtails, light sources, facial expressions. i could feel the characters' emotions more strongly than i've ever felt my own. i swore i'd start a religion to honour the movie. by the end, i was still tripping, on my seventh hour, and it was getting really irritating, so I went to bed. Uh, the end

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