Before note: I’m really sorry this is so long. I write diary entries and I usually want every last detail in there. I’ve gone through it to discard stuff you wouldn’t’ care about though. Also I’m reallyreally sorry about the spelling and punctuation. I’ll go on torrents of writing and wont give a shit about my spelling cause I know what I was talking about, yah know? Anyhow, I hope you enjoy and don’t get too scared off by the bus part. Just stay off the bus.
So I get to the church and I’m a little nervous cause I didn’t’ know if I wanted to do this or not. I had been worried all day about if I was ready for this type of thing because I’m really uptight and get easily paranoid. On trips of doing weed I can over do it and feel completely out of control of myself. Once at the church my other two friends arrived also. We headed to a dry spot as it had started to rain. We had hoped that the rain wouldn’t come tonite (the weather had even said so) but unforutnelty it did. So we go and sit down and inspect what we had to do. The bag was aobut ¼ full and we had four of us yet we needed to give 15 dollars of it to a friend tomorrow (amanda). We were confused and decided to keep it all for ourselves cause ti didn’t’ seem like enough for all of us. Cara, pat nad Nev have their share with some juice and candy we had gotten from the sleven near by. I decided to wait a while before I had mine because I still felt really nervous. We sat around and some kids from around here and sidney came by. Around 8 we decided to leave on the bus to downtown where we were going to expereince everything. Three of us were doing this for the first time outta the 4. So we go the bus (where we see our friends drive by) and I decide to have my bit. I take out a small palm full and chewed it up well because I had heard it makes the naseuah lessen. So we get on the bus where my brain was already messing with me and I felt sorta funny in the muscles (probably nervousness). We sit down and I put on some music. Ihad brought a ton of music for later. I hadn’t been sure what to expect. There was what I figured would happen and what I hoped wouldn’t happen. What I figured would happen was a sense of everything being me and vice versa. Where I would just sink into anything I was doing so I imagined all the music I had brought (orb, orbital, brian eno and radiohead) would be amazing. The thing I had hoped wouldn’t happen was the feeling that I coudlnt’ control how my muscles and body was. The point where (like when I’m stoned) that I feel like I’m falling apart and melding itno everything else. I get really scared when that happens. So I put on some orb to keep my calm while we went on the bus ride. We finally get off downtown and wondered where to go to first. We decided on the Inner Harbour (a half circle of sidewalk beside the ocean and some docks. So we started our walk and I didn’t’ really feel much. It was about 820 or so. I didn’t really feel too much, but a little bit of the phsyical. It’s sorta like when your high in that your body feels really relaxed and sorta numb. I was started to feel quite pleasant. We walked down the stairs onto the harbour and Cara started to press the buttons on the ticket despenser in the parking lot. It was so cute. So we walk by this huge boat, called the SS BEAver and nev said how it’s os cool and I laughed and realized I was so happy about all of this and it didn’t’ matter what I was doing tonite I’d have fun. I wasn’t having visuals I was just totally enjoying everything. We could do ths the whole night and I’d be happy. So we go up the stairs and I share that with Cara and we see that part of the parking lot where there’s the snken in lighted areas up along the wall. So I wanted to sit in one and I called it my “house” and cara sat in one with me. When I had ran towards it I thought they were all running behind me but really they weren’t. It messed me up big time. I sat down and I had to keep moving my legs up and down cause I started to get this restless feeling. Nev and pat had another “house” and me and cara realized we had some shroomsleft still so we had a little. I had half of a teeny stem and realized I didn’t’ need anymore at all so I stopped and had a little OJ (which had been recommended by someone online). Cara had a little more though and the other two didn’t even know. We stood up and I started to make ringing noises hoping they’d realize I was ‘callign” their house. They didtn’ know what I wa talking about but I started to laugha nyhow, it was so cool=) we saw some police go by and decided to keep walking along the inner harbour. We start along it and I dunno .. we kept walking and enjoying ourselves and talking. We got to the other side where there’s the aquarium and pat kept saying he wanted to see the otters or sea lions or something. It was funny. So we get there and I’ve got this horrible taste in the back of my mouth and I share it with cara and them and cara says I can have a bit of her sucker. Kewl!=) so I have some and I started to walk around in circles and walk around and around and over there and over here. I realized that I had to keep moving because I had all this energy stuck inside of my body. Cara said I could have the rest of her sucker and I was so grateful. Then cara started to jingle this chain of a fence and nev said it looked so funny and we were all laughing our asses off it was great! That was when I realized how much fun this was. The aquarium was closed though so we walked up tese stairs into this tiny maze of trees coming out of cement bloks. And some pathways were blocked by garbage cans and we were having so much fun and laughing again. I kept going around and around this maze and I could’nt stop. There was no way I could stop doing any of th emovement I was doing. I had to keep going and if I stopped I’d just get consumed by the feelings that were inside me. They’d start o envelope me over and over and I’d go nuts. It was insane I swear it! So we go down the stairs again and back around the inner harbour. I rjust secided then that I had to go into a run or else I’d go crazy so I started to run down the harbour and everyone else was behind me so I had to go back so I ran back and then went up these ide steps and ran down those while they were walking slowly and then I ran back and then forth and up a little more and then back again and then forth again and then down a couple step and I kept doing it and I was n’t short of breath, tired, NOTHING> it was crazy! So I stop finally and walk wth them but I’m speed waling cause I cant’ stop and stay at ehri pace it wa s just to omuch. I’d stop and then I’d have to keep going. I put down my orange juice and cara took it from me. And we came to the corner of the bend and there was this nice corner open spot of concrete with these (funnily enough) mushroom shaped lights. And the shape of the lights coming out of it was like ripples of water so the concrete looked like water it was SO amazing. So I decided to walk around in a circle on this nice, clean, open space. And I kept at it, going around and around in circles like I couldn’st stop but I had so much fun. And I’d mumble to myself and keep going. Back before at the maze hwen I realized I had to keep moving I would go through every crevace and walk around everything not just in a straight line. Then we walked forward a bit more and there was an even BIGGER open space and I decided to walk around in cricles in there and it was so, peaceful, and clean,a dn open and full of space I couldn’t get over how much I needed to be in there and how beautfu it was. I just keep commenting on how wonderful it was and I just couldn’t stop. Oh yah, and the whole night I had my headfones on from my discman. But at this point I couldn’t take off my headfones because they were my protectors, they kept me safe. If I took them off my ears were too exposed to the outside worlsd. And I had to keep to myself. I couldn’t’ touch others, and I couldn’t tough other things, I could only touch my own things. I coudlnt slow down, I couldn’t stop, I had to keep going. So I decided to take out the headfoes out of the jack and I would chew on the cord of it. So that kept me safe too. It was so comforting. If I had to do something, I couldn’t let it fall I had to let pat or someone hold it to make sure it wasn’t just dangling. Then I would lok ver at the other nice space with the lights on it and I had to keep walking around in there it was just SO amazing and perfect. It was just, perfect and beautiful. And when I was in the big on I’d trace my hand just around the wall of the concrete going up to the street, and I woudlnt touch it Id just let me hand go around it and the energy coming off it would make my hand just glide over the bumps. It was like, nothing could touch me, and if I wnet towards sometthing else my handss would just be repelled off of it, or be pushed away. I had gone to get the bottle from cara and I just coudltn touch it, my hand would keep away or bounce back. If I kept my hands away from eachother I could feel the energy between tehm so heavy an dthick it was amzing. Cara and them wanted to stouch this huge sign a bove the bigger area I loved and when they came up to it it was HUGE when it had seemed smaller from farther away. My eyes wouldn’t blink well but they’d shut fine. I couldn’t look at details for longer than 3 seconds without turning away. Looking at people was impossible, especialy if they weren’t my friends with me. I had to look farther away and in the air or else I’d go mad. If I stopped moving, my energy in my self would double and fold into me and I’d feel sick or like I was going to explode. We had gone ontot his dock and walked aalong there but I had to run and I hoped over the wooden parts of it. Then I thought how hot I was so I stripped off all my jackets and put everything back on right and put stuff into pat’s backpack. I felt so flustered it was so weird. Then we went back to the wonderful spots till we decided to go. So we walked up to the main treet because cara had to use the washroom. I realized there was no way I could wait in line for something because I’d go crazy standing still for so long. We walked up to this big, lit up map of the city and cara said ti was so bright. We all just stared and talked about it and then starte dto walk again. I didn’t’ feel hungry, like I had to use the washroom, tired, out of breath, aching, nothing! It was crazy. We walked and I’d be ahead of htem all and try to keep with cara because theother two were behind us and I couldn’t sttay with them because they were too slow. It was like, everyone repelled off me and I kept saying that to cara and I went through a group of people and they all moved away from us it was crazy! So we got to this cross walk and I had to walk around in circles and around until it started and I commented (quote loudly) that how long was this going to last?? This is insane I can’t believe this! And I couldn’t because I’m not one to think this stuffa actually happens to peoplke. So we start walking and I’d have to tay away from people and look at the gorund. I didn’t’ like to walk ne ar thm or have them in my 2 foot bubble. So we walk down a street and then another street and we were near eatons so we realized we were at macdonalds soon. So we get there and cara waits in line and nev goes to get food. So I stand outside with pat nad walked around these 4 trees that were on the sidewalk. I just kept walking around and around. I felt sort of self conscious cause people were walking by, or on the corner of douglas and fort, and in the restaurant. So I’d stop and try to talk with pat and he was totally out of it looking at everything. I just felt like everyone was too slow for me though. I ahd to keep moing. It was like, the shrooms had made me, my body, everything working inside of it, move faster so I had to keep up with it or else I’d slow down and fall away from yself. I realized hw incredible this was and covered my face in exclamation. I couldn’t imagine how the others could wait in line and not go crazy. I kept saying how the city was like, around all the four of us. Everyone else was slow blurs of nnothing that didn’t matter. We were the only ones who mattered. It was like the Truman Show but about me. I kept on nawwing on my headfones and yammering on to pat who would listen with on of his ears howing from his music. I fouhd that music would just make me go weird, I coudlnt’ handle the constriction f it, yet I could handle my headfones on. Soon nev came out and pat went inside and waited with cara. Cara said that kristalaura and sara were in there. So I went outside and nev came with me and I told him how I coudlt now tell him about everything that I was feeling cuase I had told pat. I made him stand lookng out onto the street so I could walk back anf forth in front of him without him having to move. He ahd gotten a free meal from a girl he had known from his school because he had not enough money on his card. So soon cara nd pat cmae out and we started to talk down toward the harbour again. I kep saying how we had to come back there because it was ao amazing. I could have walked back and forth along there about 10 times the whole night. Istill wsn’t tired. We came upon two gys they koew so I waled away sorta giggling because I couldn’t handle being around others. I had this like, permanent smile on my facethat wouldn’t’ go away. I would stop and let it all absolve me for a second and then go away. So we walk and I cat remember this part but we get to the cornerwhere the 6 drops off. We all decide on cgoing to the church although I knew that going on the bus would be impossible. I’d go crazy butit was the only way. Cara had taken the bag from my jacket because it was around my waist and I was like, you’re so smart because I was moving so much it could fall out. Then we all talked about the bus and I realized cara was gone. We thought that was funny and she was walkking along the other side of the block really slowly. So I went over and said how we had left her and talked sweetly about it and then I finally really looke dat what sehw as doing and she was having some more it was hilarious! So I sat and laughed over that one a lot more it was so funny. Then we walked down there and there was another open spot but less clena but I had to just walk so I walked around there and bunch of times and then we looked up at the top of the buildings and they were so cleanly cut at the top and we all thought it was so cool. Then we started to talk again till we were near the bus stop. I kept thinking how everyone else was such an incredible blur. And it was funny, because when you’re drunk, you can’t think or talk well but I could think s well like I was normal but it was so different and so altered and descriptive;. We got across the street and nev said he saw laura and them but I didtn’ want to talk to them. But they went over and hugged cara and I went into this crevass of a building where the new busstops are. I walked back and forth in there talking to msyefl saying it’d be ok on the bus and it was really lite. Then I just stopped and looked at the already bumpy cement blocks against the beuilding, and they started to melt and fold into it’s self an dshrink. I just sat tehre and stared at it letting myself enjoy it it was the biggest visual I can rmember the whole night. I don’t thik I had let msyelf ahave any mor evisuals than that because it was just too much to stand still like that. Then I decided I wanted to talk with pat so I motioned him over and we talked an then I decided to go over and stand witht eh group. I stood beside nev and they then said they were gong to go nd laura ave everyone a hug and me too. But it was crazy, the first time I couldn’t handle a hug it was so weird. I just couldn’t have anyone touch me. If nev came near me I coudltn’ handle it,, if I had to get something from some else I couldn’t do it. So we get to the bus stop and wait for the bus which was gonna be a hard thing for me. I saw up that heather from school had said hi and I was like, hi, adnt hen I was gonna go up and say something ot her but Iopted against it. Jeanine was there too. So the bus arrives, and I was like, gawd, I cant’ do this, and then ti said no, no, I can. So I get on the bus and pat sits and I’m lready feeling kidna hectic. Pat says there was my own spot up above the stairs (it was a wheel chari one) and nev was gonna sit with me so he sits inside. I couldn’t sit on the outside. I was so flustered. I swear this, it was the most horrible expereince I can imgine behind on this bus. The thing that I had hoped wouldn’t happen tonite happened,on this horrible bus. I sat down, and cara nd apt sat together. But I wanted to sit with pat becaue it was like, eh was this protecting mentor with his glasse. I just felt like I’d be safe with him mor ethan my own boyfrend nev. Nev was just too goofy to be with I couldn’t handle it. So I mad eusre he wouldn’t touch me and I gave him my back pack. Then I decided to listen to my discman. So I put it on and it was orb which was WAY too slo w for my brain. It started to float with the music, like it wa becoming the slown beat melodic waves of the music. It was horrible I couldn’t handle it. So I’d look up and around and over and there was this man to the left of me and he kept looking and taring at me. I was talking too loud and I didtn know what to do. I was so paniced. And soon I didn’t’ have anything to do and my body started to absolve again. I would close my eyes and the word absolve ketp repeatinga dn recocheing in my head. Everything anyone said would just keep recosheying. I twas SO HORRIBLE. I’d look over at nev who was listening to hs music and he was so happy and at one point I was just like, oh man, and I just leaned against nev’sshoulder realized I was VERY high and he just meled his head in to me and I lifted up again. I tried to get out my CD’s so’s to put on something fast like orbital. Buti realized that icouldn’t even listen to music but I had something to do when I was figuring out my CD’s. it was like my brain could be doing something so I kept at it. Son I had nothing left o do again and I was numby out and folding in and becoming nothing. I realized I coudlnt’ remember how to breath, or it wasn’ that I couldn’t remmber, I just forgot aabout breathing altogether. So I’d breath in, and just kep it there because I didn’t’ onw I wa supposed to. Si’d I’d have to keep at that. And then I’d glane around at everthign and I coudltn look outside it was oto much, so I’d look ahead at the bus and that was too much. I’d keep seeing thsis one guy at the front. Then I’d have ot look at the ceiling because I couldn’t look ahead my eyes didn’t like it. Soon I just put my head on my backpack to get away from it all. And I’d kee telling msyelf it was lairhgt, as soon as you got off the bus you could walk around again and it’d be fine, it wount be lke this, it’ll be ok. And I’d start seeing this like children on the bus smiling and waving and then nev when he was younger smiling and coming out from the side. And everyones voices were bouncing off my brain again. I was going insane and I just wihsed for it all to go away. I didn’t know how this could be happening to me it ddidnt seem possible but I vowed to never do it again. Then, when we were close to the stop, I looked up tat the front of the bus, and I can’t even BELIEVE this, but I saw tracers coming off of people, espeically that one blonde guy at the front, and I was SO shocked. It was my eye sight, clear as day, with color tracers. I was dying but then ojur stop was soon and we got off. I was SO relieved. I started to walk ahead and I realized I was SOSO cold. I was so amazling freezing ,my teeth were chattering llouder than our talking. I put on my coat and we saw that after all of this there was no one at the churhc. We decided to go to cara’s hwen we heard people and they were all at sleven! Kelly started ot run towards us and I a SO happy. She ends up hugging Nev but I walk into the group of people who I know half of the people. There’s morgan and all them and they come over to me and talk to me a bit ad I’m telling them how weird it is and stuff. I dunno.. I still felt like I had to walk around a bunch though so I was moving around more. There were tons of kids at sleven! So they all stand around and ineed to keep walking so I go the sidewalk and go back and forth and kelly comes over and she’s talking with me and asking why I’m doing this and itold her just cause I had to and then I told her to stay out of my bubble and she said oh.. sorry.. and then left and later pat told me that she said “that was sociable” <rofl> then I thought how great it’d be to walk around at the church so I went over the there and wetn around in circles and ti was so relaxing, the rain was drizzling down. Then I askded pat to come over but when he did finally it was alright and I went over with him. I would talk with kids a little, mostly cara and nev and pat and then I’d go back and walk a couple times in a circle when I felt things closing in to much. Then I started ot talk with Jake and that was so cool it was like he was on the inside now becuae he’d done it before and he was totally relating with me and everytthing it was great=) and yah.. and I finally listened to some music which was alright (nev’s CD) and that was cool. I was slowly coming bak to normal. I would look at things though ,like this tree, and the parts of it would start to weave in a out and dit wa sSO cool!!!=)=)=)=) then I’d chat and stuff.. and then I gave my backpack to evan beucase it was REALLY heavy and I didn’t’ realize a little until then. And my back was really hurting.. christ was it hurting and my legs were starting to ache adni was getting sick of having to walk. And I htought that kids were gonna bus to mayfair or osmething and I wa sliek, bus?? Oh gawd no I can’t bus right now I’m staying here. But they were they were just talking about bussing home. Phew! So yah.. then everyone started to leave and I went ouver to the thcurhc because brandon wa with ahmid and brandon was really sad. But yah, we all sat around talking and such, and I was getting really cold and damp andi hated it.. and I just wanted to sleep! I wasn’t hungry though but I was still chewing on my cord. So I went and got some beef jerky which was cool=)=) but yah.. then around 1220 me pat brandon and nev went tot eh bus and he was the cooleset bus driver! We were let off at viaduct even though we didn’t’ have to be. I was so drained on the bus it felt So good to be sitting and to be warm. When we got to his place after walking in the misty rain I went inside, felt hungry, cold, tired and hadda go pee <rofl> so I wetn to his room, got comfy and went into his bed while they went itno the hottub and went to smoke upp. It wasn’t successful in the end so I went to bed with nev and we all went to sleep!
As an afternote – this trip was written in Oct (the 16th) of ’98 when I was 17 and hadn’t done them before. I’ve done them about 8 times since and now that I know what I like they’ve been mstly wonderful. Remarks to otheres: never get high in a van , never get high if you’re not able to run around and get fresh air. Trips are much better hwen you’re walking around, not lying down, so remember to move around. And star off slow cause it can be a lot if you’re not the type of personto handle stuff like that. I was lucky to have been outside for most of mytrip because seriously, that bus was the bus from hell nothing about it was good. The most massive anxiety attack of my life.
Write me if you like tripping and drugs and stuff I think they're great=)