Soul on Paper

The following is the Journal i kept the first time i took halloucinogetic mushrooms. I had intended for it to be a refrence, but as i began my trip, it became the focus of my experience. I did not have any visuals, but i was thinking very quickly and at times i had trouble telling the difference between what i made up and what was really going on.

(Page 1) *picture of shrooms i drew*

The Comprehensive record to: My first "trip"

Sean J *** November 24, 2004 ~The first day of snow~

(page 2)

1:30pm Woke up. Played video games for about 30 minutes.

2:00pm Took a shower. Got out around 2:30.

3:00pm Began writing this journal. Looking forward to reading this after my experience. Worried what friends might think.

3:23pm Called my friend to see what was going on. I'm going to meet up with him soon.

3:40pm Friend called. Mushrooms acquired! He told me i should pay him back whenever, which i thought was strange considering the circumstances, but oh well. He's on his way to pick me up.

3:45pm Went out to warm up the Miata. It's snowing pretty hard right now. My friend said he's still on his way. I packed some food so i don't eat all of his. I'm still very excited.

4:28pm Friend called again. He's taking someone to work and then picking me up. I'm currently watching Ghostbusters.

4:45pm Got picked up. Sam thinks i'm going to freak out. He says he will lock me in the basement. Feeling positive still.

5:00pm Went to Target and am now on my way to Sam's.

5:23pm Arrived at the place. The shrooms look really cool. I can't wait to take them.

5:38pm I have in my hand a cup of orange juice with approx. 2 grams of mushrooms blended in. The substance is off white and very foamy. I am waiting to drink with everyone else. VERY excited.

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5:43pm Drank the mixture. Didn't tase anything because i chugged it. Playing Halo 2.

5:54pm Starting to feel woozy.

6:01pm Feeling the buzz. My friends are all starting to see things. I stop playing Halo.

6:22pm Still not seeing anything. My friends are all very fucked up right now.

6:38pm I'm not having any fun. A few of my friends are getting on my nerves. I still see nothing out of the ordinary.

6:43pm Still sober. Sam is laughing like an idiot and Steve is talking about buying weed. I sugguest that we smoke our hash.

6:57pm Sam is so fucked up, he forgot how to write. Steve is sober and playing TFC. We're watching 2 Fast 2 Furious.

7:06pm I stole Sam's seat on the couch. Eric is REALLY fucked up.

7:18pm I just got inside. I spent about 10 minutes outside. I have alot of energy. i went outside and layed down in the snow. I felt nothing. Water on my face felt like tears. I have to make myself a better person. I am living my life like some others i know. I was walking for about 10 minutes

7:25 All i can think is that i am thinking so much but can't write it all down fast enough. The music FREAKED me out. i am now in the bathroom. This all feels like a movie. I want to do something, but i don't want to freak out. I am trying NOT to freak out my friends... they don't deserve it... i need to calm down... I am in the bathroom. I feel numb. I can hear my friends voices. It is all muttering. Eric wonders where i am. When i think, i think of how much fun this is, but also how horrible my life is! It's coming in waves. Waves of fun and SHIT. I love it and i hate it. This journal is my inner self finally breaking free. I feel free. I want my phone. I want to have fun. I want a sober person to read this.

7:35pm Rob read my journal. I really like all of this. Eric is very cool. This paper is cool. Kevin is laughing.

7:42pm Steve and Sam are back. Sam took some. I lost my phone. The spot where i was laying in the snow looked like a grave. The person i was Died there. I am now a complete.

7:45pm

7:47pm I found my phone. Nothing but fun now. Nothing is bad. Bad means nothing. I feel like i could live the rest of my life like this. I feel safe and i'm with friends.

7:53pm There is too much going on.

756

8:00 Sam and Sam thought i was going to crack. I'm having alot of fun. My fingers taste like weed. I want to write. Sam thinks i'm freaking out. Sam found money!$$

8:12 I feel like i'm in over my head. Eric keeps asking questions. There is too much going onin my head. I'm shaking. I think i'm scared. I don't know. I think kevin stole the weed. It was about a bowl's worth. I'm going to smoke

8:17 I feel

8:19 I was wrong. I was thinking that Kevin stole weed and that i was the only one that knew at the time. I just got my pipe back. I now think it was all an elaborate scheme that i made up all in my head. it all feels like a movie. a fucked up MOVIE. no. no. i'm calm. sobering up even.

8:23 This journal is my mind on paper. If i think that the situation is bad, it turns bad, but if i think that its good, it feels like a high school play. I am at the peak i think. Everyone is fucked up. I just yelled at steve.

8:26 I am freaking out because i am thinking about earlier and how if you think you're going to freak out, you freak out! Its all like a story. A story that is the same as millions of others. Overlooked, filed away and forgotten about. Steve

I just remembered. Steve was talking. Palm trees. The lamp. is like the beach at sunset. The orange glow, at least. Its very soothing. Now i understand why earth tones are soothing and relaxing. I see the room jsut fine

i'm talking

my journal to me looks like a news report of a killer

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This page is different from all the others. I hit my peak right here and i was scribbling in all directions all over the paper. Just typing it does not quite explain how fucked up i was when i wrote it. Just imagine random sentences and fragments all over the paper. There is no way to tell what order i wrote it all in, either. Your guess is as good as mine.
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I am thinking in 3 trains right now. I am seeing this whole situation

I am convinced that i am unwanted. Every timei calm down I start to freak out about the whole situation with steve.

I think i was about to assault Steve. I had the feeling that i was making a life altering decision.

9:30 I keep thinknig that it's like MY movie.

steve TENSION . "IS SEAN STILL HERE?"

Killer I felt like i was watching a news report. In it i was a killer. I had snapped and killed him. I saw the future.

I am am

It all keeps coming back to steve

I keep

8:59 I feel

I don't

This is bad.

(big numbers) 8:43

9:27 I was talking to Eric. I cannot tell if he likes me or wants to fight me. Right now i am scared. i don't know what might happen.

(picture of a head with an arrow pointing to it)

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8:50 I keep thinking the situation is like a gang movie. I almost attacked Steve. I was doing my Role. It would have felt like a play. I think i might have killed him. I would have been proud of myself. I would have expected praise.

9:05 Eric is awake and seems to be sober. I am in the basement.

9:13 I am talking to Kevin. We are cool now. I am frustrated because i want everything i am thinking and saying to be on paper. I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like i don't belong. I feel like i think Eric and Sam are my friends but i really know that they dont like me and only chill with me to smoke my weed.

9:19 I just heard 5 thumps. Everyone said "Oh shit." I don't know what's going on. I feel like the unwanted friend. I feel like i want to crawl away and be alone by myself. I feel ashamed i think. I think i am freaking myself out. I think

9:30 What was a game to me is now

9:33 I can't tell if i am friend or foe. I don't know if i should react or just calm down.

9:35 Steve is talking. I

I feel like i adopted my journal. My bowl is in the basement.

9:40 Time is going very slow. Sam and i realized we are still high. on shrooms.

9:41 This journal is very long. I didn't know what

9:42
9:43

9:46 Sam won't listen to me. Eric interrupted me. i can't talk.

9:47 I am scared of what might happen if we all go smoke. 9:48

9:52 Nobody knows that i am still very high.

I still can't tell

10:05

10:17 I talked with Sam and it turns out we are all good and it was all just a wholefucked up situation. he was pissed about it and it turns out that he got caught up in some shit that happened between me and some other people a few times awhile ago. I feel bad about how it turned out.

12:04 I'm now sober. Ime came over to get some tree. Kevin and I are sitting here. I think I am much better friends with Sam now that we did this. Kevin is also very cool. i spent the past hour playing with sam's swords. they are relazing and fun.

3:16am Tonight was a very fucked up night. It is alot to take in all at once but i think it was a good experience.

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