Soul Freed

From the time when I first heard about mushrooms, after I had my first LSD trip, I have always felt drawn to them. I read both fact and fiction surrounding magic mushrooms and about shamans who used them for different purposes. Strangely, through both periods of drug abstenance and drug use, during my life, I always wondered about mushrooms and was drawn to the mystery that surrounded them. On March 29th, 1998, at 19:00, I ingested three grams of dried psilocybe cubensis mushrooms.

I had told my wife earlier that I would be going on my second quest, and I could feel that she was uncomfortable with my statement. As I was ingesting the powdered fungus with orange juice, I signaled to her that I was starting. She began to get ready to leave the house with the children because she did not want them to know what I was doing. So, at 19:20 hours, she was going out the door to take the kids to get shoes and then to church to pray, obviously for me. As she left, I could see that she sensed how high I was already getting. And I was already getting high.

At the time I was thinking that everything would be ok. But, I was also very surprised because the first time I had taken the shrooms, last weekend, it took me 60 minutes to get to the level I had already reached in 20. I sat down and watched TV, waiting to see how things would progress. The room began to flatten and I was gaining altitude at a somewhat alarming rate. I went back to look at the clock. Only ten minutes had passed. I knew that I had much more time to go before I peaked, a steady ascent into the oncoming void.

I kept getting higher, and checking the clock as time seemed to slow to a stop. I knew I could handle what was to come. That is what I told myself.

That is when I began to feel the physical discomfort that I experienced on my first trip the weekend before. My stomach began to feel uncomfortable, I began to get a fever. I could not stand the heat in the house, but at the same time I was cold. I kept going up. The discomfort began to increase until I could not bear it standing up. I went, reluctantly, to my room and bed, where I had endured my first trip. After I lay down, I attempted to keep my eyes open and keep my mind off the increasing discomfort. It was no use. The discomfort turned to pain. I closed my eyes and immediately, my mind and vision exploded in a tripping frenzy. It was so beautiful, if it weren't for the pain.

The pain and suffering only got worse. The tripping consumed what little the pain had not. I thought about how each minute was turning to what seemed an hour, and how far I had to go. The visual and aural hallucinations never broke, except when I opened my eyes to see my room and realize that,"Damn, why did I do this?" I closed my eyes again because I didn't want to deal with the verbal thought process -- it was just too, of this world.

I remember that the tripping increased to a phenominal level and consume my suffering body. I looked at my room, and there were no colors, no tripping. My room had turned into a dust filled, cobweb draped crypt. I saw thoughts disappear, and saw my body shrivel into a dry dusty skeleton with dried pieces of skin hanging from its bones, and no soul. I remembered that evil entities can take a soul or cause one to lose their soul. So, I started looking for my soul. I, at the time seemed to be a thoughtless empty, and almost powerless small metaphysical remnant of my former self, located just outside the rear of the cranium of my skeleton. I looked through the open volume of the crypt, then, into the cranium of my skull. I remember I could see the inside of the bones. I searched down through my rib cage. Then just below my rib cage, I saw what looked like a very very small piece of a puzzle. I could immediately see it was colored with the same moving moving tripping colors as I experienced before emanciating into a long dead corpse. As I focused in on the puzzle, and got closer to it, it drew me in and I was back into the tripping menagerie. I was awesome. I was truly awe struck at the power of the tripping. Still I could open my eyes and get no open eye visuals -- not even walls melting.

I was tripping so hard, and I was so sick. I felt like I needed to vomit, but I did not have a familiar vomit feeling. I was so sick. I began to panic. I was in so much pain. I had to do something. So, I stood up. I had to do something. I walked around once, in a circle trying to think of what to do and feeling deathly ill. I felt as if I was going to pass out. I felt myself starting to pass out. Now, I know what it is to pass out, go unconscious. I have done it quite a few times in my life, smashing my face on floors or furniture, and waking up all bloody and hurt. So, when I feel that pass out feeling, and the tunnel vision, and that buzz in my ears, I lower my body hoping to not passing out or, at least, not having too far to fall if I do pass out. I lay back on the bed, knowing I would never make it anywhere. All I had time to think was, "What if I need an ambulance?" I went under.

I, seemed no more. That space in unconsciousness where one no longer exists pervaded. But then, it was slightly different. I had no pain, no tripping, because I was out cold, yet sometime or someplace in the nothingness, I was there, floating in an almost translucent shell of my body. Suddenly, the top surface of my body, from my face to my fingertip and toes, disintegrated, to a greeting all surrounding intensely white bright light. "I", my soul, the "I" that I had never experienced at such a pure level of "I", rose from my body into the bright light. It was refreshingly cool, but not in the temperature sense. The light was mind, pure and all knowing. It spoke to me, where an instant did not exist, where there was not time, and instantly I was imparted the all knowing essence of the light. It was so beautiful, peace, knowing, and enlightenment, what seekers have always searched for, and like what I could never have imagined. I felt a pull back, and willed myself to stay a little longer. Then, I began to be pulled back.

I felt my soul come back into my body and I started to regain consciousness. With the realization that I was drenched with sweat, the mad tripping and intense illness came back, full force. All I could do was lay there and wonder when I would peak. I was in such pain, that I did not think about that beautiful experience right away. I lay there wondering why I had done this. I thought about my wife having to take the kids out of the house because I was doing drugs. What a terrible, screwed up father I was! I imagined that she was taking the children and would leave me. I started to cry uncontrollably. I put my face into a pillow so that neighbors would not hear me. I thought about the children. I thought about my traumatic childhood, the absence of my mother, the death of my father. I could see it all. My psyche had been ripped open and stripped raw for me to see it all. Each traumatic unresolved and resolved event of my life was laid open, spread out in front of me to live through and resolve. I was in agony. I knew that the mushrooms were giving me the opportunity to resolve these problems. I worked through each one. Agonizing in physical pain, and unable to move, tormented and harrassed by maurading, trippy hallucinations, I lived through each experience and came to a realization, only to move on to the next problem. Wondering how long I was going to trip, I looked back at what had happened so far, during my trip. I remembered when I left my body. I was filled with joy for an instant, knowing that I had experienced more than I ever imagined possible. Suddenly, I became aware that I had passed the peak. I was finally starting to come down.

I heard my wife come home. She told the children to let me rest and not bother me. She came to the bedroom door and asked if I was ok. I told her that I needed to talk to her. She took care of some stuff and then came back. I told her how I felt, how sick I was. I told her of my experiences, and what I was learning, and how, and why. She was filled with amazement. I told her as much as I could. I was so sick and still tripping hard. I had to go back to focus on what the mushrooms had to show me. She left me alone. I felt so grateful for all of the experiences. Then, I was back in shroomland. My psyche ripped raw, the torment, the tripping, and the pain continued, and I welcomed it.

I learned more than I ever imagined possible that evening. It seemed to last forever. Eventually, of course, I came down. I was sick for a couple of days afterward. But, the learning from the experience continues. The mushroom gave me an indepth syllabus into the reference source of "myself". The pain was incredible. It was pure hell. But, it was all worth it. I would do it all over again to reach that high point, and to communicate with the One, again.

I have chatted with others on this experience and my experience prior to it. There have been few others who have gotten sick and none who experienced the illness that I suffered. I suspect that the mushrooms that I grew were contaminated with an unseen agent. Many of the mushrooms that I harvested had a smell like sweaty feet when dried. I thought that that was normal. But, I remember that the largest and healthiest shroom was picked and dried seperately from the others, and had no odor at all. I had a lot of mushrooms turn blue at an early stage, and these really stunk when dried. I had to throw them away. After my trip, the mushrooms stopped growing completely, and all the substrate, cakes, and cased substrate, broke out in a dark dense green mold. Yes, I then tossed all of it.

I resolved traumatic experiences that have tormented me my entire life. I no longer experience depression because I see my place in this world and the next. I see the world with a new understanding. My relationship with my wife and children has changed in a wonderful way because of the insight and foresight that the mushrooms have given to me. I had so much insight, that I am still reaping the benefits of their lessons, continuing to learn daily from my experience. Those mushrooms are not a drug -- they cannot be a drug. Those little mushrooms really are God's Flesh. The ancients knew it, and used the God's Flesh to cure people of many physical and mental illnesses. And, I know it.

I would never advise or recommend that anyone take mushrooms. Look at other people's experiences and decide for yourself. Respect the mushrooms. Be prepared for what you can never be prepared for. They may not give you what you want, but, instead, what you need. And, that may not be a pleasant ride, especially when you come to realize that you can't get off or stop the ride.

I must thank all of you, at the shroomery, who gave me advise and guidance, to the ones who went before me and left the mysterious legends. And, I must express my gratitude to the mushrooms and their words spoken to me, and ultimately, to the Great One who put them on this earth.

musgil