Breathing Pain

I just started to grow shrooms this summer and I have been dying to trip. I had 3 pf cakes and 1 of them was not pinning. Something was slightly wrong with the cake. Since the other two were doing so well, I decided to extract the mycelium from the cake and drink it in a tea. After I gulped down this nasty liquid at about 11:30pm I came on the Shroomery to chat for a while. I was feeling very stoned by then and my stomach had cramps and aches the were beginning to really bother me. Everyone kept saying that in 20 minutes or so that won't matter because I will be in lala land. That calmed me down some but I was really nervous and tense. I kept asking them when the visuals would start but they said just wait and they will come. For a little while the chat room had one of those silent moments and nobody was talking. So I found myself staring at a tie dye poster in my room with a yin-yang in the middle of it. All of a sudden I noticed that the corners of the poster were shrinking and moving around. I said to myself that I was just wanting to hallucinate so bad that I was seeing a "non-real" hallucination. I kept staring at the poster. By now the poster was really wavy, it kep shrinking and getting bigger and then melting all the colors together. It started to look like a watercolor painting. I starting raving about how this was the coolest thing and that I love shrooms. I looked around for other stuff in my room to hallucinate about but nothing was happening. I was looking all over the place for hallucinations and I didn't see anything. I looked back at the poster and sure enough it was still melting and warping. Then it occured to me that maybe I need to stare at something intently withought moving my head around for it to breathe/warp around. So since I read that many people see rivers in the grain patters on furniture, I started staring at the patterns on my door. Then to my suprise they were flowing around like a river. The designs were contracting and expanding. It was awesome. Then I saw a river flowing over the door and it came changin directions. Wow, everything is going great so far and I haven't even peaked yet. I ended up staring at my pants for a while and saw little snake like things wiggling all around. They were bright blue on the outside but bright green on the inside. They eventually started to flow like a river too. Everything was going great. I immediatly decided that chatting on the Shroomery was distracting me so I wasn't concentrating long enough to see some really cool hallucinations. So I logged off. After I logged off it was about 12:40 and I thought that this was going smooth. I had some Grateful Dead music playing in the background and the floor was moving all around like Bugs Bunny was under my carpet and trying to find a way out. Then after a while the cd ended. I didn't realize it at first because I was so intrigued by the posters in my room. But when I did realize it, I didn't bother to get up and turn it on again. Later I would realize that that was a big mistake. Now it was about 1:10 and I decided to get back on to the Shroomery Chat room again. All the text on my screen was surrounded by a green aura and it looked very cool. There were alot of people in the chat room, but I did not know one person in there. I figured at night a lot of weirdos come in and chat about weird stuff. That bitch moonlight347 was in theere under the nickname "drunkone" and she was trying to have people come over to her house because she was so drunk she would do any guy. Of course it was probably a guy. So I started going off on her, I was really being mean. I didn't even know what I was typing, but I know it was really harsh. The fact that all these weirdos were in the Shroomery really made me mad. I felt agitated that nobody I knew was in there. I had nobody to talk to. I was really spiralling into a bad trip. This one guy, I forget his nick, started telling me how my trip was starting to piss him off, and that I was an asshole. I started saying how he is never in here and nobody knows him so he should get the fuck out. I was really upset that he was mad at me for some reason. The fact that I knew nobody in there was bringing me down really bad. I logged off immediatly to end this spiral into insanity. So I sat back in my chair and tryed to enjoy the hallucinations. Then all of a sudden at about 1:30 I heard a door open. Then there was a knock on my door. I said to myself "Oh fuck, now I'm screwed, how the hell am I going to act normal in front of my mom!!!" Just like anytime a person is stoned or tripping, I automatically thought that she knew I was tripping. She said that she was hearing weird noises around the house and that I should let my dog, Cody, wonder around in case anyone tried to break in. This really upset me because I had to talk straight and my dog was the only thing keeping me company. So I unwillingly opened my door, and tried to keep a straight face. I couldn't see my mom in the dark but I had the feeling she could see me. I was worried that I was making a funny face or something. I eventually got the point across that I was going to go to bed and I wanted my dog in the room with me. She finally went to bed after that. After all this I was really shaken up. I had the worst feeling of loneliness in my stomach. I have never reached a level of depression and sadness as deep as this. I felt like this pain would go on for eternity and nothing could stop it, even death. Then I turned off all my lights and got into bed with the tv on. I was watching some infomercial. I just kept looking at the people on the tv and thinking about how much they hate me like everyone else in the world. It was really making me worse. I wondered if I concentrated on something so I would start hallucinating if it would calm me down. I looked at my arm and tried hard to see something. My arm turned bright red and started flowing like a river. The hairs on my arm turned into the willows in a swamp. It was very pretty but I was still wallowing in an eternity of hell. I then looked at my door again, and eventually got bored of the hallucinations. I decided that instead of normal tv I would put on a movie that is happy. I put on "My Blue Heaven" with Steve Martin and it made me feel a bit better but not much. I curled up in my bed with images of suffering and pain flashing through my head. I felt like I would be living with this pain for the rest of my life. I thought about taking a gun and shooting myself but realized even if I did that the pain would persist throughout my afterlife. I almost started screaming because I felt like I was in a never-ending cycle of pain and loneliness. I layed there in my bed suffering with this pain until I finally fell asleep. The next morning I am still feeling a bit sad about it but I am happy it is over.

I have never felt an emotion this strong in my entire life and I hope never to again. I now believe that there is no feeling worse than a bad trip. The next time I trip I will definetly be with somebody who can calm me down. I will also remember to keep that happy music playing on the stereo.

BOBs