reality dis-association. w. plugout

My first submitted trip report (i think.. i might have submitted one 2 years ago or sumthing tho :-) )..

I am a newbie to shrooms, as i can say i've only really tripped 3 times currently.

However this last weekend i went to a friends apartment, lets call him "S", with 60 grams of fresh stropharia cubensis. Me and S were gonna trip, and "M" had to come over and NOT trip with us.

So we waited and waited for m. We decided to smoke a joint... think it must have been around 22:00.

I rolled another joint for later which i was done rolling almost the same minute M rang the doorbell.
at approx. 23:30 (when M arrived i think), me and S each ingested 15 grams. Both of us generally kept the fresh shrooms in our mouths for as long as possible for quickest effects btw.

Dissociative feelings towards concept of reality, set in maybe 30 mins. to 1 hour later.

around 1:13, i believe, we each ingested 15 grams more each.
and waited for "things to happen". I kinda drifted a little bit into myself, as the others had a conversation. I decided i might as well plug in my brought-along Xbox, which i thought alot about before actually doing it. As i had just plugged things in, i noticed some patterns on a carpet which was plain. However markings ARE left on this carpet when you step on it (at least w. shoes). i think what i saw was some "pressed down" parts of the carpet, and my mind must have connected "the lines" or dots or whatever, that made these seemingly kaleidoscopic patterns emerge on a otherwise plain carpet.

I spend some minutes, i think, investigating this, as i thought at first that the patterns were actually there. Looking at another (and more illuminated) part of the carpet i could see that it was plainly, plain. :-)

I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror. I saw myself, but shiftingly (and almost at will) from normal perspective to "starting point" perspective (hard to explain)... as if a tiny part of me could not recognize the face looking back?.. It did occur to me that my skin on my face had a somewhat darker teint in an almost warrior-paint like "formation" (this could be expressed better, english i just not my native language). kind of indian/tribal, but VERY simple art. Like a somewhat deform and stretched triangle across my cheeks, in a slightly darker color than rest of my skin. Very interesting...

At around 2:10 this dis-associative feeling on "reality" kind of began to scare me (probably my "peak" eh?). I was beginning to think stuff like "maybe i should'nt have done this" or "what if im insane". The best way i could express it at the time was as if my soul was plugged out of "reality" or "spacetime-continuum", but only for fragments of seconds at the time. Luckily enough it didn't freak me out, as it would have a couple of years ago. This reaction of fear is something i've encountered before, and i was "without problems" able to tell my self that;
"This is a drug. It'll wear off. You're not permanent insane, although it might seem like it RIGHT now."

Good thing about this in perspective is, I got far more positive than negative from the trip as a whole experience.

I had brought along benzodiazepines just in case of panic, and as the panic started to get a little too much i took one of the pills. My fear grew very small, and as i began talking to M and S i was kinda reintroduced to reality. (this was how i felt at the moment anyway). The knowledge that i had taken a trip on higher dosage than before, combined with the knowledge of taking a "downer", calmed me almost immediatly down. I thought that maybe i should'nt do psychedelics in the future. However this was being said while still under the influence, so im pretty sure it was just my reaction to the sudden feeling of fear i had just experienced.

Having said that, i have a feeling of "longing" for something only reachable by psychedelics. Therefore; Psychedelics is also for me. I guess im just so new to them still.. (not counting cannabis ofcourse :-)

However; the way i see it is; If mushrooms can bring up fear in me, this would be a good way to "learn to become friends" with the feeling of fear or panic.

I have a theory that by bringing on intense fear, and thereby placing yourself in a rather nightmarish-scenario, you can learn (not over-night) to "filter" the negative part of experiencing fear itself, thus growing in the knowledge that we have nothing to fear, but fear itself.

I have a "psychiatric disorder" in which it is quite clear to me, that In order for me to enjoy reality, i need to enjoy un-reality as well.

"Psychitric Disorder" does not in this case define me (or you?) as being wrong in any way. This is just a description used by psychiatrists and other prejudice groups, to define something, that they (society?) cannot understand, for they have stopped thinking independently themselves a long long time ago... most of them anyway. Making money seems more important than thinking individual thoughts these days.. am i wrong?

sorry for the long post... i hope i rated it correctly to level 3 ? ..

-cube-