My First Trip

My First Trip

I first wrote this report down a little while after we had the experience. I am yet to finish and I will write up my notes and listen to the tape at some point no doubt. I didn’t really write this report to post on the web but more for my friends and I, so it’s a bit long winded and might not make sense to anyone who wasn’t there. Luckily I wrote it as I was telling the storey to a 3rd person as I find it easier to write it that way so it should read okayish.




Lou (me missus) and I had just got back home from somewhere or another, Blackpool I think! Waiting for me, my first crop of mushrooms and although I didn’t realize they shouldn’t be like, what they were, which was very mushy as they had absorbed a lot of water I harvested them and put them in the fridge. Well to be honest I wasn’t expecting much, my missus was nackard after travelling all day so she fucked off to bed and I scoffed a couple of mushy shrooms.

It was a good hour or so later and I’m thinking, “well not to impressed so far” I wasn’t sure if anything was happening or not when my mate called wanting me to sort a computer problem, he’s rabbiting on and I noticed my mind starting to wonder and I wasn’t really following the conversation (I thought it was because I was bored) when I notice a cloud out of the window and I thought to myself “That cloud looks like a bunny, A very happy bunny!” and then I started to giggle. I realize now that this was the beginning of what was to be altogether a fantastic night and an eye opener.

My mate stopped in his tracks and said “your fucking stoned aint you?” I didn’t correct him. The conversation ended with “well, you aint no use to me in that state I’ll call you tomorrow mate”. I then went outside, it was a beautiful summers evening and I sat by the pond to watch the fish, still unsure if the bunny thing was just me wanting something to happen, when I noticed that I wasn’t looking at the fish and that I had great looking mud!? I knew then something was up! Mud was to have a great impact on the rest of the evenings shenanigans and was going to My Mud’s Great, Come See!turn out as the theme of the trip, well that and Marmite, flushing evidence, “Turn it up!” and “shut your windows!”

I got straight on the phone to my mate Paul who had done mushrooms before and was eagerly awaiting my call to tell him how the mushrooms were going, he couldn’t believe you could just order them from the web. “Dude, I’ve got great looking mud!!” I said. “no fucking way” was the reply, he instantly new what was going on. “Mate, you gotta get your arse round here now!” and he did.

DUDE! That’s one SHINY Bike!

I hear Paul on his motorbike turning up and I go to the door to see his new bike. “Fucking Hell its so SHINY!!!” He had bought an easy rider style bike with lots of chrome, and it was shiny as hell! Mind you by this time everything was looking bright and shiny.

As we stepped in side the door where I had earlier sprayed ant powder as we had terrible ants, I remarked we got terrible ant problems singing “Ants in the carpet dirty little monsters” (Blur song) Paul smiled and said “I see!” Paul’s missus Kelly aka Smells had also turned up, we then proceed to scoff about 10 more mushies each as I explained with great hilarity (at the time) and emotion about the bunny and the great looking mud and how we should go look at it.


Twisting my Melons Man!

Once my friends had caught up the fun really began, I found it so much fun, and we could work of each other taking the piss out of each other and ourselves. Everything was great and everything was entertainment, a box, an empty bag, the shiny foil from the outside of an OXO cube (we’ll come back to the OXO later) and don’t get me started on the TV (what the hell is that all about?).

My Friends had been here for about hour or so now and we’re starting to giggle a lot, at , well at anything. Paul calls me and Smells down to the floor “you have got to see this!” pressing his fingers into the carpet, it looked like he was pushing deep into the floor even though he was only pushing the carpet down less than a millimetre, he then put a bit of the carpet between two fingers and lifted it up….I’m not kidding, it blew my mind, I cant put into words what a saw, but it was amazing. I had to stand up and walk away, in the same way when people see an unbelievable magic trick and don’t know what to do but walk around in circles saying “what the fuck, did you see THAT!” It was a real rush.


It’s SO easy! I understand! I did understand! I don’t understand! I What?

The trip wasn’t what I thought it would be like, you hear stories from people who had done acid, mushrooms or whatever and I had read a lot of stuff on the internet before I tried it, horror stories and people saying you have to be comfortable with yourself, not feel down, or think bad things, watch what you say to people who are tripping and all that type stuff and there probably right but I couldn’t imagine, that night anyway, anything freaking me out., literally everything was intriguing, entertaining, a laugh, great!!

I also thought that if you were hallucinating or “tripping” that you wouldn’t know what you were up to and couldn’t manage to do stuff, like, make a drink or whatever. I realized, for at least this trip I was going to be ok when I went to the toilet and then proceed to wash my hands, returning triumphantly and stating in disbelief “I can turn on a tap, its sooo EASY!” to the great amusement of my mate Paul who couldn’t explain what he laughing at as he was laughing so hard. All he could muster was “you twat!”. To which I didn’t, couldn’t take offence, as he was absolutely right. After about 20 minutes and Paul repeating the phrase “I can turn on a tap, its Soooooo EASY!” about 100 times in a sarcastic tone, each time funnier than the last, we agreed not say it again and move on or we would be there (happily) all night just doing that.

We noticed, discussed and put into practice the fact that the same joke was increasingly funny the more it was told, the opposite to “normal”, concluding it must be the mushrooms.(no shit Sherlock!) and after the trip was over the joke would no longer be funny but still bring a smile to your face, remembering how funny it was at the time.

We also concluded that making a complete twat of yourself was the primary mission and the point of doing mushrooms. Indeed if you couldn’t laugh at yourself you would have had a hard time joining in that night, as the piss taking was none stop. So I guess you do have to have the right mentality or at least feel, “be on the same wavelength” as the people you’re doing it with, I can see how people could get into problems whilst tripping.

I so understood everything, peoples behaviour, emotions, the meaning of life, then I would immediately forget! Not only would I would I forget the meaning of life, I would forget that I was even thinking about it! Probably because I was laughing at some inanimate object. As times gone on it’s got fuzzier.

The Ant Situation

We discussed the freaking out thing after, the ant situation. I had left some sweets on the coffee table which Paul proceed to unwrap, realizing just in time that it had loads of dead ants on it. Paul said “you never said you had ants!” I replied “I did!”, Paul “you never!!” I then sang as I did earlier “There are ants in the carpet, dirty little monsters!”……. Paul “oh yea, ….I didn’t realize you meant literally”. After we wiped the tears from our eyes we decided to have a closer look. We soon realized, although it was difficult to tell because every spec of dust or little stationary black thing, looked like an ant running around.
Everything was….hmm wobbly I suppose a bit like oil on the surface of water. The grain on the coffee table was flowing like water, BUT there were loads of ants. I thought fuck this going to freak people out. Nope I was wrong, the complete opposite in fact, we thought it was brilliant, funny and amazing.

Am I freaking out?

We all decided we were going to try and freak out Smells. “OK let’s lock her in the cupboard”. “Are you freaking out?”, “nope!”, “Ok let’s lock her in the cupboard and give her some ants”, “Are you freaking out?”, “nope!”, “Ok let’s lock her in the cupboard, give her some ants and set the cupboard on fire”, “Are you freaking out?”, “Nope!”, Ok let’s lock her in the cupboard, give her some ants, set the cupboard on fire and tell her we have mud but she cant look at it”, “Are you freaking out? , “nope!”.

Of course we didn’t actually do it, it was just a made up conversation (one of many) we had although we said it as though it was happening. We decided it was impossible to freak out (although I’m sure we could be proved wrong). Although when I said we all decide to freak Smells out, it was only after I said “Lets freak Smells out! Paul replies in a puzzling voice “Why?” having temporary lost the ability to recognize sarcasm. With Smells and I in fits of laughter he realized and shook his head with a grin on his face.

Quick! Somebody milk me!

My Missus by this time had got out of bed to see what was going on and although she absolutely hates the taste of mushroom (any mushrooms) and this was to be her first magic mushroom. She stuffed a few in her mouth and with a grimace on her face she chewed and chewed and chewed way more than any of us did, as she swallowed we all chuckled and said “I know we said chew but…..fucking hell, WOW, what a trooper!” all looking at each other smiling in disbelief.

It was bit weird for her, as we were all laughing at an empty plastic bag and of course she hadn’t come up yet and couldn’t see what was so funny about a plastic bag and an empty one at that. She soon started to feel the effects and soon she wanted to look in the bag as Smells states “I so know where I’m going” as she stands up and tries to walk away but unknown to her Lou had hold of one of the many tassels on Smells funky trousers. Smells may have known where she was going but she couldn’t get there, as she was being stopped by and “invisible force”. We all burst out laughing, in fact we were laughing so hard that we were crying, dribbling with snot coming of our noses. When someone remarked “my face needs milking” and “don’t stand it front of the fan we’ll get soaked”. Well, that was it, none of us could talk or breathe for next 30 minutes, with repeats of the phrases, “I so now where I’m going” and “my face needs milking” again each time it was said, the funnier it got. Things got worse when I said “I need my inhaler!!” (I’m asthmatic) not realising I was being serious they all just rolled around on the floor saying “stop it, it hurts”. Finding my inhaler wasn’t too much of mission because due to my prior reading I had gathered up all I thought we would need and put it under the coffee table.

It was now dark and we could no longer look at the mud, although we did consider bringing some in. Lou still hadn’t had enough sleep so she went back to sleep to have some funky dreams as she was too explained the next day.

OOOPS don’t think we should have done that!?

We ate more mushrooms, noticing that the more we ate the better it got, so we unwisely decided, “fuck it lets finish them off”(before we had come up on the previous lot). I came up on the previous lot with a bang; it felt like my whole body had positive pressure on it, like when you make yourself blush, but all over. The visuals were coming on strong, the walls rippled like the surface of pond and the air was similar wafting out from the chrome fan which was on full speed shooting out colours and light. People on the TV were stuttering or talking really fast as well as looking fucking weird, scary looking, you could really see peoples body language emanating out of them as though they were actually saying it. Actors look like, well, a bunch of people sat in a fake room, having fake conversation, bizarre. Impossible to follow but great to watch! Everyone was making excuses to go upstairs and look at the bathroom floor which was awash with colours and patterns, hypnotic almost. For a moment I thought shit if its this strong now I’ve just eaten triple the total amount I had taken up to that point, I’m gonna be in trouble. I did come up ever more but it wasn’t scary, just fucking ace. Although it did give me bad guts, but I didn’t mind. I wish I new how much we had taken (about a dinner plate full between us) but I’m not sure, obviously we didn’t have too much or we would have been a lot worse.

“Remember when I dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing?” –The Simpsons

I connected my laptop up to the TV which was an experience in itself, knowing how to do it but still trying to remember; looking at the laptop screen made my eyes water, but it looked really funky. I loaded about 100 episodes of The Simpsons and turned up the volume to my two huge speakers. It was absolutely crazy, there was so much bass, it was like you were immersed, absorbed completely in what was happening to Homer and co. We were sat watching The Simpsons (well trying to) when the visuals were so strong, I turned to Paul who was creased up with anticipation and excitement like a little kid at Christmas and said “do you see..?” referring to the visuals with fan, TV and light on the answer machine all adding to the light show before I could finish my sentence Paul just said “I know, fucking brilliant!” and he was right!!.

Paul had a piece of thin green plastic string(plastic bag like consistency) all tangled in hand and with the light from the TV shining though it looked like a laser beam that you could play with, we both stretched and tangled ourselves up in it, giggling like naughty little kids. We played our two favourite episodes, mysterious voyage of homer (Chilly Cook Off) and weed homer as well as many more. Highly recommended viewing for people tripping. We had one hugely confusing moment when one of the downloaded episodes had all this crazy shit in the middle. Only realizing after watching again that the person who made the recording had taped it off the telly and was forwarding through the adverts, we laughed when he almost missed the show starting again.

With the adverts and constantly forgetting to watch, I kept rewinding the episode in order not miss anything or figure out what the adverts were. Paul had thought that all the episode had played through and was looping round to start again. I explained that it wasn’t starting over, I just rewound it again. He looked at my like I was a complete wally and said “No we’ve seen this one, its looping round”, “we’ve seen this bit because I just rewound it” I replied. Not being able to come to an amicable agreement we decided to just let it run through and see what would happen after the episode. The atmosphere got thick with anticipation as the episode was about to end…….Blank screen. It had stopped. Smells and I just burst out laughing commenting “gesh even the TV’s taking the piss out of you!” Paul shook his head with a slight hint of grin in gracious defeat.

Worried about how loud it was, with Lou in bed I kept fiddling with volume, with shouts of “dude, turn it up!” emanating my way even when it was very loud ,again funny shit at the time and something we still repeat at inopportune moments. As it was, Lou was fast asleep, well until we went and woke her up to ask her if it was too loud!


Ground coriander in the 5:45am, 10-1 on the nose.

After an overdoes of The Simpson, it was now getting light, we moved into the kitchen, looking for something to eat having realized we were all starving and thirsty having forgot to eat or drink much. I looked in the cupboard and was routing around when I knocked a jar of spice out of the cupboard, on to the shelf, on to the next shelf nocking things over as it wen and onto the floor with a flurry of bangs and smashes. It was like watching a lemming, I almost expected it say “OH NO” in high pitched voice. It all happened in slow motion and was SO loud we all just bent forward slowly, like looking over the edge of cliff to look with amazement/bewilderment at the spice on the floor and then up to where the spice was then back down. “WOW, do it again” Paul said to which I replied “No problem! I’ve got loads of spices!!” We decided not to as Lou might not be too impressed.

Where did Paul Go?

I was watching Paul through the small window in the kitchen door, has was distracted looking out the window whilst trying to push open the conservatory door which was sticking in the frame, he gave up not trying terribly hard and lent gently against the door with his forehead, the door SHOT open with BANG and Paul flew out the door. When I stopped laughing I went out to find Paul was fine looking around to see if anyone had seen.

I had only ever done pills, speed and the like and although I sometimes get hungry when doing them I can never actually face eating anything and I cant remember Smells actually eating anything, ever. So Smells and I set about making Paul some gravy. All the OXO Cubes had been used a little earlier when I was finding the batteries for the Dictaphone, although I remember hanging onto the empty foil from the OXO cube when I found it as it was pretty to look at. I put the batteries in the Dictaphone, put in a tape and hit the record button. Listening back to the tape I immediately say “fuck now what do I do with it? I know tie it to your fing (belly button ring) and draaag it around with ya”. I offer it up to her belly and say “no its gonna be annoying” Suddenly realize what I was suggesting, we just burst out with a torrent of a laughing for about 5 mins, only breaking, now and then to say “fucking hell, Were Fucked”

Kelly had already made start on the gravy and there was some brown goo in a mug, looked horrible, I taste it and “Hmm bland needs marmite” taste “hmmm still needs more marmite” I then realized every thing was REALY tasty, so we shared it.

We then joined Paul in the garden (by the mud) to watch the fish, which were leaving orange trails in the water which reminded me of the Red Arrows Aerobatic Team. There was a slight chill in the air. It was really early and the garden looked great, it was really peaceful. Paul and I sat there whilst Smells tidied up, she wanted to for some reason, mind you we had made a fucking mess. We sat there whispering talking about the night and trying not to laugh making and instead a peculiar noises and spitting a lot, Paul says “shhh we need to be quite the neighbours have got there windows open” I whisper “no problem, I’ll sort it”, and shout “DUDE! SHUT YOUR WINDOWS!” More cackling and spitting followed.