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Anxiety Attack, second attempt

This was my second attempt at using magic mushrooms, and i was WHOLLY unprepared for the consequences.

This was my second attempt at using magic mushrooms, and i was WHOLLY unprepared for the consequences. Prior to this use, i had tried around 1.5 grams or 2 grams of dried mushrooms, and had experienced a mild psychological trip with a few strange feelings, but nothing particularly remarkable.

Actually, this would be my third time, since i took a gram or a half gram in between, but nothing happened except for a slight sick feeling, and an interesting effect where the reflection of sunlight off a bus window looked like a giant insect crawling very quickly across the trees.

Anyways, to my trip (number 2.5)-
All three of my trips started out alone, and ended up with someone else. This time was no different. I took what i thought to be around 3 grams of dried mushrooms, and ate them all in one go, despite suggestions to spread the dosage out. I was in my bedroom, and had made the assumption that my parents would be out, and i would be sharing the house with my sisters. I ate the mushrooms just prior to my parents leaving, and went downstairs to act "normal" and see them off. about a half hour to an hour later, i was fully into the coming up stages of the trip (this being nearly an hour sooner than both other trips, more notably the first one). At first, it was as i remembered. I had cologne on, and could smell the scent i now associate with shrooms ( a sort of distant, altered "cousin" of the smell of Adidas moves cologne). As well, i began to feel slightly "off", and a little uncomfortable with my body, as many people (so i've read) can relate to. The problems began shortly afterwards.

Within 30 - 60 minutes i had been upstairs, downstairs, outside, sitting down , laying down , standing, and nearly everywhere in between, and i could not calm the sense of restlesness i was experiencing. While walking outside my house (in which both of my younger sisters were) i recall saying "i need a purpose!... my purpose is to get ... food!"

this was a completely arbitrary statement if i remember correctly, since i was experiencing some sort of anxiety attack, and needed to justify my own existence at the time. I remember though, that once i got inside, i felt as though i had to vomit, but tried to stop. I sat down on the couch in the TV room with my sister. I complained to her about feeling sick, and she asked why, but i simply told her that i was getting ill. She ignored me for the most part. Then after another 10 (?) minutes ( i had a very distorted sense of time) i ran out into the main body of our house yelling my sister's name. Both of them came to ask me what was the matter, and i hurriedly (and in a terrified voice) explained to them both that i had taken mushrooms and COULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE under any circumstances. In retrospect, it seems silly, but the extreme fear i felt was nothing short of terrifying.
The most uncomfortable part of the entire experience was not knowing exactly what i was afraid of. Several times (while crying in my sisters arms and wailing about how i felt like i was going to die) i remember her asking me exactly what i was so scared of, and i couldn't answer her. I remember thinking that i needed to explain to her EXACTLY how to deal with a bad trip, but remained so distracted as to be incapable.
in any case, i started to realise that the source of my distress was that i was witholding something from someone very important to me. In this case, it was the fact that i had neglected (intentionally) to inform my girlfriend that i was taking shrooms. I ended up writing her a distasteful, and rather upsetting email, in which i made an attempt to sound rational while explaining my situation, but fell into a cursing, profane, paranoid, and pathetic attempt to apologize and beg for pity and forgiveness. I am still (nearly a month and a half afterwards) trying to resolve the conflicts which it created with her). On the positive side, it helped hint in the direction of the problems with my relationship with my girlfriend.

as well, the experience brought me much closer to a new friend, who i hadnt previously spent much time talking to. by chance it had been arranged that he would call me during the evening, but in my haste to take the mushrooms i let it slip my mind. I remember feeling like he was an island of sanity amidst the sea of kaleidoscopic colours and entity-less fears, when he called me during the high point of my anxiety attack. somehow it was arranged that he would come help me.

from that point on, i suffered through only a few more moments of pain, and he arrived and took me out of my (poor, heaven-sent-for-her-helpfulness) sister's hands and drove me to a coffee shop to calm down. I can't stress now that i've been through this, how important it is (for anyone thinking about shrooms, or reading this just to relate) HOW INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT IT IS TO NOT HAVE THINGS ON YOUR MIND!!!! i spent the best section of my trip just calling people to tell them i was okay, and cleaning up the mess i'd made because of my compulsive personality. The worst part by far was sorting through the girlfriend situation.

After a rather profound and deeply moving conversation with my friend, it was time to deal with my girlfriend. I think back now and realize how much i'd hurt her, because she has a problem with me saying that i love her when i'm in an "altered state", (ie, drunk, stoned - whatever - it's been an experimental year ) I respect this ideal, but i couldn't find the words to explain to her that i was myself, in a way, and that i would still be able to say the same things tomorrow. I can't help but feel that she looks down on me for my experimentation.
in any case, it might have been easier not to, but i called her, and me and my friend went to visit her. We picked her up and drove her away from her house, and he let us talk, and helped us through. She was angry, and unwilling to listen or even try to relate. I realized at some point during the night that she was far more closed minded than i had let myself believe, but also realized that despite her shortcomings, i am unable to simply detach myself from the sympathy i've collected to give to her. I found it strange that some of the more important thoughts stuck with me , while the obviously more interesting thoughts about the meaning of life, and the problems with society (and of COURSE all the solutions to EVERYONE's problems which i came up with) all disappeared, along with the elevated state of understanding and openess.

after a few more hours, the effects wore off, and i ended up in a TIM HORTONS with a massive headache from being up too late, and a knot in my stomach when i realized the emotional trouble i'd have to deal with the next day...

now that its all over, i sometimes feel like i'm still on mushrooms... the world will tilt, or i'll see something in a way i'd never seen it before. And i can't help but wonder if my personality has changed, because i can't shake the feelings of self doubt, and occasional anxiety which strike me recently. Then again, maybe i just wasn't aware of them before..

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