Fixed myself

This will be an attempt at explaining my trip on 4/19

I started out by arriving home from work in the early afternoon,
At 2:30pm, I decided I would try some of the Mazatepec's that my friends talking dog had grown.

I weighed out a smallish dose of 2.0 g, I thought it would just be very mild,etc.
I consumed the shrooms & started the timer on my watch to kind of document the progress.
Within 20 minutes I was experiencing an anxious feeling that was rapidly building,
I was very cold in my extremities & crawled underneath my blanket for warmth, I soon realized that nothing could make the cold go away.
Within 40 minutes I was fearing that I had taken way too much, there were tremors all throughout my limbs, & the familiar patterns were everywhere, I couldn't breath so much as gasp for air , as I felt the feeling of [hard to explain, but if you've
been there easy to understand] a yawn that didn't have the end or resolution to it or like when you stretch your body & get that warm feeling at the end, but not being able to reach that warm feeling, hmm.. anyway,
As I lay in my bed with a kind of fearful panic building I noticed that when I took my glasses off that everything had the look of certain filters in photoshop software.

At 1:19 into the experience, I got up & thought I had to piss, [another strange strange thing that kept reoccuring] I would kind of get that feeling to get up to go & by the time I got to the toilet, I was too fearful of someone HEARING me?
I finally got the idea to turn on the shower to mask the sound [of my scared ass taking a whiz] & this seemed to work.
I put my hands under the warm shower & it felt so good that I hesitantly stripped & got into the shower, it was amazingly warm & comfortable in a relative way.
I stared at a worn portion of patched plaster & was confronted by what looked like some kind of achitectural/artistic/master mural, the tiles in the shower seemed to be made for viewing under the influence of psylosybin.

Now I must digress,

back in 1983 august 16th I believe I had what was a very terrifying experience with l.s.d, in short I took a couple hits of blotter & went to a "friends house" at the peak [ very very strong] I believed that I was in being trapped & tricked/controlled into somthing, the t.v was telling me to do things, & if we went outside, policed would drive by as if to herd me back into the house, this culminated into me fleeing in a panick & walking literally about 16 miles to my home,to the waiting police, then to the hospital[friend had said he killed me] all at 2-5 in the morning.
To this very day I have had that experience burned into my mind, viewing life with a sort of neurotic distrust, and I had basically forgotten what the psycedelic exerience was all about.

Back to the present.....

Now that was all zoomed right back into my face,I was so scared/mad at myself for forgetting that this was what a trip was, I was struggling between realizing that the mechanics of the experience are based on a paradox of some sort, the word "contradictory" kept coming up I felt that my body was being torn apart & rebuilt on the subatomic level, I felt as I looked around my bedroom that I was slipping into that bad dark evil paranoia , I began to hear sounds of children/people outside playing & screaming & knew they knew I was in this state .
I feared that someone would knock on the door, or come to "GET" me as irrational as that sounds.
by this time I believe I was peaking,the stopwatch displayed the numbers 1:45,it simply had no meaning I felt that the Shroomery & everyone/t.v/ computer/ involved/whole world was some kind of conspiracy I had been tricked into growing these thing & eating them.
Also, I was very fearful during the peak of the sun going down,I could almost not bear to look at the swirling vortex that confronted me when I shut my eyes, & seemed to feel the effects would consume me if the night were to fall.

I live in a very modest apartment complex that is primarily inhabited by hispanics, as I experienced the intense waves of the peak somthing began to change in my experience/me a part of me said to hold on & don't be afraid,to trust, the voice which I believe was the living mushrooms said to just try to be observant & to learn & for the longest time I felt as if I were treading water in a dark and forboding sea, realizations of trust, respect for MYSELF & others, forgivness & love began to flood my senses.

I had the realization that this fungus is an ancient sacred sacrement, I now felt as if the people outside my apartment& inside the adjoining units were guiding me in some kind of beautiful spiritual journey.
I have a classical nylon string guitar in my living room, & for the longest time it was very scary [if that makes any sense] I would pick it up & pluck a string & feel as if the whole world was rippling with these waves of energy, then set it down & run away, finally I "summoned the courage" to pick it up & play & the most beautiful music flowed forth from it the music was so simple yet it struck me as some kind of lost ancient song, I could also sense the children outside my door listening with glee as I "performed" for them.

at this point I began to write in a journal of sorts, here are a few of the things I scribbled:

New found definition of self respect
Be humble
be cleaner
eat better
everything I do bad,- is to myself
don't harbor predjudice feelings
love my mother/ family, etc.
there is forgivness
be no ones fool
HONESTY ABOVE ALL ELSE
as without so within
JUST OBSERVE & LEARN, YOUR MIND & BODY WILL BE THE ULTIMATE GUIDE
THE TRUTH IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!
don't hide, & be aware of the many ways of hiding the truth from yourself & others

At about the 3 hr mark I broke down & into a kind of amazed laughter & was crying tears of joy at the same time, the whole experience was so beautiful & intense
I had made it through this & things were making more & more sense, I felt as if I had just graduated from a lifetime course in life/ humanity.
I realized what my bad acid trip was,[fear of facing myself!]
As simple as the little things in my LIST are, I realize that they hold true.

I realized that it is kind of pointless & counter productive to try & analyze the mechanics of the drug,

I also realized that I was able to keep from panicking during the peak by distracing myself & not getting fixated on anything for too long, I found it important to listen carfully to my body during this time I'm sure you're all familiar with the odd tingling that occurs/wells up from somwhere when you have to pee or similarly are thirsty,etc.

I now know in retrospect that Mushrooms are [for me] not some " hey lets eat some shrooms & party" kind of thing, but more a sacrament tool of self exploration & improvement,what I thought would be a somewhat mild experience turned out to be more like running a marathon
I feel that I had my psychedelic Cherry popped last night, or as Bill Hicks put it
"My third eye has been squeegied clean"