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3g Facing Death.
Insightful "bad" trip
I will preface this trip report with saying I have a moderate amount of experience with both tripping and growing. I usually avoid shrooms if I'm feeling down and tend to only take them when I feel like they're calling to me, as that has been my best experiences on them.
I decided to trip on my birthday. It wasn't a spectacular day, just another day at work, with plans to go home and trip, eat some cake alone, and go to bed early. I had been feeling down as the majority of people in my life didn't even acknowledge it was my birthday, and it had been my first birthday alone after a really bad end to a long term relationship. So I was feeling alone in the world. I had also been obsessed with reading about Dmt experiences and them seeing other entities during those trips and the idea of facing death and the after life. That sort of shows were my mind had been when I decided to take shrooms, but also by no means do I want to die or am I suicidal. So I got home from work, showered, cleaned, and took 3 grams of some shroom chocolate I made.
I sat down and began playing some God of war ragnarok. The chocolate hit me fast and hard and I could not focus on anything. Decisions on what armor and weapon upgrades to make seemed utterly impossible. It felt like I was in a steel box and couldn't bring myself to do anything in the game. I began just walking in circles and got fixated on this purple glowing tree in that safe area you return to between missions. The tree began to pulse and sway and I felt as if my body was in rhythm with it. I just fell into a complete trance watching this tree. While this was happening I was just searching through my mind and ultimately decided to let all the bad feelings out. The sadness, the feeling of being alone, any anger, and why I felt those feelings. At this point my eyes moved over to the half closed blinds and focused on the last bit of day light coming through the. The sun setting made me feel so much more sad and tears began to form in my eyes.
I began to squint a bit from the tears and discovered that looking through the distorted vision from my tears created some wild and intense visuals. Ripples of light from the TV and the controller light. The light began to shift colors across the spectrum and I just found it so euphoric and blissful that it almost hurt. As if I was longing to feel that. After a while of that I felt sleepy and closed my eyes completely. This began the usually closed eyed visuals, kaleidoscope affects, shapes, and more weird lights. Then I began to see similar humanoid shapes as people described experiencing on dmt. So my mind flipped to thinking about those experiences. A very bright light shined off to the side and I felt these humanoid shapes telling me to look at closer. At this point I felt scared but curious and over and over I was being told to look closer. So I focused on the bright white light. It seemed to slowly grow in size, almost like a camera zooming in on a pinhole with light shining through. Over time I was able to make out darker colors in the center. I continued to focus on it with almost a raging curiosity at what it was. It began to feel very familiar. As it grew closer, I seemed to be obvious that it was a person, laying flat on their stomach, head turned to the side, one arm stretched out to the side. I continued to try and make the image become more clear and it seemed the person had dark hair, a beard, and wearing a dark blue shirt. Well, sure enough, I have dark brown hair, a beard, and often wear darker colored shirts. It felt like it was me, I was almost convinced it was, but I needed to see more to be sure. As it continued to clear up my heart began to race, and I felt that fear again. And just before I could be certain, my cat leaped onto my lap. I opened my eyes, let out a small scream, chills ran down my spine, and it was now pitch black in the room. Shadows were moving around all just out of my vision, and my cat was just staring at me. I felt speechless, scared, and began to cry hard.
As I cried, my cat began to purr like a damn motorboat. She's normally a very quiet type of purr. She then began to rub her face against mine which she never does, absolutely hates anyones face being near hers. And suddenly I felt as if she did it on purpose. As if she could tell I felt off and was bringing me back. Or she was just loving that her fur felt extra soft while tripping so I was petting her a bunch. After a few minutes I snapped out of it. Stopped crying, turned the lights on, put on a TV show, and had a mild trip the rest of the night. The rest of the time though, I had to keep fighting myself falling into a trance. It continued to to feel like something was calling me back, but I fought it solely based off of not knowing what exactly it all meant. I didn't and don't feel scared of whatever I saw that day. I feel curious.
The rational side of me wants to believe it was just something I created in my mind because of all the reading on other people's crazy experiences, or maybe I fell asleep and had a wild dream. The other part of me wants to believe it was some sort of interaction with something else. Ultimately, I know for sure that a lot of those feelings were emotions I was bottling up and not facing, and though I already knew this, don't bottle up your emotions people! It's not healthy, but it is healthy to just let yourself cry once in a while. I felt infinitely better after, and if shrooms help me get there and get those emotions out, then I'm totally on board. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and happy tripping!
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