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2.3 grams Golden Teacher

Eye opening

Background: I took mushrooms 10-12 times in during my teens and early twenties, but that was some 35 years ago (I am 59 now).  I took them (and acid 2-3 times) strictly recreationally, completely unaware of any potential therapeutic benefit.  A very abusive upbringing led to lifelong struggles with anxiety, depression, and alcohol abuse. I recently became aware of the promise of psychedelics in addressing my issues, and did a ton of research.  I have been alcohol free for over 8 years, but the merry go round of SSRIs and conventional therapy had run its course, and I was still suffering.  Time to try psychedelics as something more than a party drug.  

Long story short, I had been trying unsuccessfully for about a year to obtain some mushrooms.  When the call came a few weeks ago that they were finally available, I began to prepare. Through recent conversations with my siblings, it had become apparent that I have blocked out many childhood memories, and I felt this was an impediment to healing.  So I set a four step intention: 1. Understand (what happened to me) ; 2. Accept; 3. Forgive; 4. Let Go.  I got my hands on a 4 gram, 24 square (0.16 gram/square) Golden Teacher chocolate bar.  
2:15 pm: I ate 8 squares (1.3 grams)
3:30 pm: Feeling nothing, I ate another 2 squares
4:00 pm: Started feeling a little something, but not a lot so I ate 2 more squares

I was laying down in bed, listening to meditation music with eyeshades, and I had a very vivid tour of my childhood home, remembering things like household items and odd wallpaper (it was the 70’s, and odd wallpaper was a thing) that I had completely forgotten about. I went from room to room and saw it all like I was 8 years old again. The odd part was 9 of us lived in that house, yet there was nobody else there for my “tour”. 

I got up and moved to a loveseat in my room, facing my bed without the eyeshades.  The bedspread has a braided oval pattern on it, and the ovals started to gently move up and down.  Soon the shape of the ovals began to resemble heads (in outline shape only, no faces), and I came to understand they were the heads of my cousins.  All my cousins; 23andMe tells me I have dozens of third and fourth cousins, and there they were on my bedspread.  They told me they were all the cousins in my age cohort, most of whom I have never met, and many of whom have already died.  The implication was I should be grateful for outliving so many of my relatives.

5:00 pm: I ate the final two squares (for a total of 14 squares, or 2.3 grams) and the real show started.  The blades on the ceiling fan (which was turned off) started to wobble up and down like palm branches in a breeze.  Like the bedspread ovals, their movement appeared to coincide with my breathing.  I was “hearing” (not audibly, but in my head as if in a dream) a voice saying “Let go”.  I thought “well that’s step 4, what about understand, accept, and forgive?” And the answer was “Mind your own fucking business. Let go.”  It explained that my four step intention was not necessarily linear, and I should do step 4 first.  I asked how I could let go without understanding what I was letting go of.  It just kept saying “let go” and I responded that all I was holding on to was my defense, not my injuries. I got an image in my head that I was slowly floating, holding onto a shield. Something told me to look on the other side of the shield, and when I did I saw a gargoyle was crouching, like a tree frog, on the front of the shield.  I heard an elderly man say in a British accent: “That which you cling to is that which you hope to defend yourself from. Let go of the one, and the other will fall away”.  It became clear that the habitual reactivity that I have developed as a defense against the trauma was harming me just as much as the trauma.

This has given me a lot to think about and work with. Although I still felt pretty ragged the next morning, the three days since then have been like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have not felt this good in decades. Magic indeed.

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