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The Tune

Stronger than I thought

This is to attempt to describe my last trip almost two years ago. I have not tripped often, maybe six times in my life, and all within the past few years. I don't use any other drugs, and decided to trip alone this time. After my first trip, with mushrooms provided by a friend through a drug dealer, I became interested in growing my own mushrooms. For my first successful grow, I had a nice crop of Golden Teacher, and these were the mushrooms I used for this experience. I continue to grow and give away to friends, even though I haven't used in a long time. I am growing Penis Envy now, and attempting Azurescens.

In the past I had chewed the mushrooms, anywhere from 2.5 to 3.5 grams. Two years ago, I ground 3.5 grams in a coffee grinder and then drank the powder with a glass of orange juice. I took myself to bed and turned on a movie playlist I had prepared, starting with Forbidden Planet. The mushrooms hit me fast and hard and I felt a little anxiety, but I accepted it and moved my thoughts to other things. I started to hallucinate, at first points of light following grid lines in fabric. As the trip progressed I started to notice how fake the special effects in Forbidden Planet looked compared to reality, and thought to myself that the special effect creators did a great job, but nothing compared to reality. After a while I was unable to see the special effects at all. All I could see were the actors on a gray background. As I watched the actors, their bodies froze and their faces projected off their heads in light beams, kind of like a movie projector, and I realized they were all emoting, trying to make us feel a certain way. At that point I lost all memory for a few hours.

The next thing I remember is hearing a broken tune and realizing it is the imperfect memory of my entire life, and that I died an uncountably long time ago, but my tune keeps repeating over and over, only it gets more corrupted every time it plays, until eventually it will be nothing but static noise. That didn't bother me so much, but what did was the knowledge that I would never experience anything new and I couldn't change anything that had happened. That I was pretend leading a life that had already long been done with. The only thing new to me was the corruption of my song. But, I didn't know who I was or what my life had been. I just knew that I was, and that I had had a life. 

Slowly I became able to see, but I still couldn't think. I didn't know who or what I was, I just existed. The hallucinations were gone, but there were time distortions, ego loss, memory issues, and processing issues. I had rolled onto my side in bed sometime in the hours I don't remember, and the first thing I remember seeing is my bedroom wall, but I couldn't comprehend what seeing even was, much less interpret what I was seeing. I just knew information was flowing into me, but I couldn't associate it with anything. As I started to come down further, I gained more motor control, started to remember how to interpret the information streaming into me, started to remember little bits and pieces of what this reality was, started to remember who I was, but a lot of it was disjointed. I remember food next to me that tasted like ashes, I remember remembering my mother but feeling like I hadn't seen her in an eternity, I remember standing and looking out my window, and I remember looking at my phone twenty times in what felt like hours, but finding only one minute had passed for all twenty looks. Somewhere in the middle of coming back, after I had most of me back, I remember thinking how contrived everything humans do is.

After I had come down, I went for a walk at a park and felt euphoric. I wouldn't call this trip bad, but I would say almost all of it was unsettling. I felt the need to give myself time before another trip, but I finally feel like I am ready again, and will plan something for this summer.

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