the 4 trips that changed my life

It's been a few months since my last trip. That was around the end of November. I've tripped a good amount of times, my first time being in 2020. At the end of 2021 and a bit of 2022 I tripped a lot more. Many alone and many with friends and one I went swimming in my pool with goggles and that was absolutely insane. I write this just because I want to write my stories out to other people to see if anyone else feels the same way about certain things so I know that maybe I'm not as crazy as I think I am. There are 4 trips that stand out most to me. They all end up connecting in their own ways as well. Ill say them in order of when they happened. I may not be able to remember a lot as well but I will try. Im listening to my trip playlist as i write this. Im also high.(Edit, I'm completing this draft sober, but a little tired)

First, was with my brother that was in like summer 2022, im not too sure though. He took 2 tabs and i took a tab and a half. This was the one that really started setting me off on these egodeath trips and i had never really experienced it those feelings in a trip. I got to thinking the silly little "man earth is huge" "MAN SPACE IS HUGE" kinda thing but this one was like the start of these reoccurring "bad" trips. I put bad in quotes as they aren't really bad but just really intense at times. I end up appreciating everything in the end.

Second, i think this was summer 2022 like maybe July or August. I was at my friends house, there were 4 of us total and we all took tabs, i had 2 i think one was a gel and one was paper or both were paper i cant remember. One was 250 and i think the other was either also 250 or 400, im not too sure ab it being 400 but i cant remember well. My friend decided to vlog it and there is an unlisted video on youtube he posted lol.

The third trip was a mushroom trip. I decided it would be smart to take about 4 grams or 3.5 grams of shrooms and go to my towns MXT (basically a sort of IMAX screen except it is a lillll bit smaller) theater to go watch the rereleased extended cut of Spiderman No Way Home, that was right at the beginning of September. I had 2 other friends with me, one of them took a tab and the other just smoked and snuck his alcohol in with a flask. That one was the most controversial and ended not as we would've hoped.

The last one was in mid November. I just had my friend basically trip sit me but not rlly at my house off a gel tab, the dose was unknown. At this point i just wanted to understand my other trips and go back to that place i keep going to as i never remember well what i learn that feels so important. I kind of understand it now but at the same time not really. All of these trips end up connecting at the very end and i just want to know if other people have had similar experiences or can shine some 

knowledge onto me.

Story 1. 

To get started. The trip with my brother was weird. I had taken a tab and a half and i think my brother took 2 tabs. He in the end thinks they were a type of N-Bomb but idk. There was a sliiiight taste but it wasn't anything i really considered at that time. We planned this for when my mom went out of town for this concert thing. We had lunch around 11 am or 12 pm and took it around 2. I told my friends we were doing it and they ended up asking if they could pull up way before me and my brother took it, it was only gonna be like 2 people. Let's call them Boa and Geese. I asked my brother and he reluctantly said sure. I said yes to them but they weren’t gonna be there until like 7. Geese was gonna be there earlier. Me and my brother started the trip by watching the first toy story as we came up because i thought it would’ve been a funny thing to watch. A good like hour passed before i felt anything from the tabs. Right as buzz and woody escape sid's house and sid's dog runs into traffic and the cars pile up, at that exact moment i was like "what the hell is even going on right now?". I can't remember exactly after that and up to when the movie ended. but when it did my brother asked if we could watch the first star wars and i agreed as i thought that would be a cool movie as well since i was already feeling it. We didn't get too far before we had to pause the movie. It was once luke it at Obi-Wans house that i started seeing Obi-Wan staring into my soul literally. It was like he knew i was there. I started then seeing the shape of the set, and i envisioned myself as Alec Guinness doing the acting infrong of the camera. At that point i just felt like i needed to stand and walk. My brother was definitely feeling the acid as well then too, he stood up fast and said "yes yes that is good" and he just stood infront of the couch as i kinda walked around the area that connects my kitchen and living room. He kept talking to me about cool deep things but i couldn’t pay much attention as my head was very loud. I can’t remember what i was thinking. I do remember my brother saying these things and then he woulds slowly fade out like "and, uhh, and yeah" and then it would be quiet for a little and then he’d clap and go "OH YEAH AND" and it was a repeating cycle of me walking around in that circle, and my brother repeatedly doing that. At somepoint i felt as if i had just walked through days and multiple days have passed by. i noticed it and asked "have days just passed by?" to my brother. He stopped and lightly laughed and said "no it's the same day" and i just replied "ok cool". We sat back down and i think he continued the movie i cant remember though. Time passed and i was looking at my door at one point. Out of nowhere i see a shadow approaching the door. I get super freaked out but i don't say anything. It get's to the door and opens it and my heart is racing at this point. It was just Geese and i had totally forgotten she was coming. We were already like 3 or almost 4 hours in but she just comes and she smokes outside and me and my brother just sit outside with Geese as she smokes a pipe. I don't remember much of what we did but my other friend Boa called me when he was off work and he was like "Ayo is it chill if Dave comes too" i just said okay cuz i wasnt thinking and my brother asked who else was coming and i replied boa and dave but he never met dave and i know who dave is since he is friends with boa as they work together. My brother kinda freaks out and keeps asking if they are gonna rob us and i said no i knew them and they wouldn’t do anything like that. He calms down a bit and soon enough they get here. When Geese arrived i didn't smoke but when Boa and Dave arrived i smoked with them. My brother went outside for a bit but went back to his room. He ended up telling me he didn't really like the way they acted as they do all have pretty big egos. I texted back and asked if he was doing okay. I was already feeling the weed mixing with the acid and i started seeing all my friends start looking like low shutter speed like time lapse effect with every motion they made, my brother came out side a minute or two later and stared at me, he moved in perfect like crystal clear image. He whispered "Are you okay?" but i heard it and i said yes. my friends noticed and just said "Ohhhh yeah he is definitely tripping big time.". Geese ended up leaving not long after and my brother asked if Boa and Dave wanted to watch Porco Rosso as it is one of his favorite movies. He was telling me he wanted to watch it with me as well. So Boa and Dave take their final hit before we walk inside. I walk through the backyard door and i dont remember anything. Completely blank. But at somepoint i come back and we are a good bit into the movie, i think it was near the end of the movie. If you have seen the movie before it's when Porco is above the clouds and sees all the dead pilots flying in the air and he is trying to get up to them but doesn't. I came back and i was just crying my eyes out slumped on the couch. Im still to this day unsure as to why i was crying. I was unsure in that moment too. The movie continued and when it was Porco vs the main villain when the movies audio got super quiet as the animation stilled moved started getting me into a trance. My breathing matched up perfectly with it and i felt as everytime i breathed out i could feel myself die, my vision gets dark, and since the audio gets quiet i feel my hearing leave as well, but then when the audio comes back i breath in and my vision gets bright and i feel myself come back alive per say. It's hard to put it together, but i ended up thinking the ending was about not trying to prove myself to be better to anyone and i mainly saw it with my brother and thats when i started trying to be a bit nicer to everyone in general. But the movie ends as i cycle through that dying sensation and coming back and Boa and Dave leave. Boa says to Dave "sorry he was being weird like this. i guess it's just not his night" and said goodbye to my brother and me and i said goodbye with a broken voice. My brother talks to me about very personal and deep feelings of guilt and just negative things i should change but in a good way. He put's on this movie Samsara and let's me watch it as im starting my come down. I still definitely feel it but all the crying and gut feeling made me exhausted. He left me alone so he could also be alone in his room. I was encapsulated by the imagery in the movie. I wasn't paying too much attention to it as many thoughts were also travelling my mind, i watched it again during another trip and understood the movie better but thats not a trip im gonna be talking about as it wasn't as intense as these others. but i watched the movie and slowly i went to sleep. I woke up and there was a mess of candy and other snacks everywhere. That was the first time i really felt that feeling of dying you get from psychedelics. I didn't understand it as much but i made me not as worried about death. I can't recall much from this experience compared to the others in this list. It was the first time having that intense feeling of there being something else that knows you're there and can see you. This one is the least intense of the 4. It taught me to be more okay with the way things are. And not not worry, it always is okay.

Story 2. 

This one was at my friend house in the summer of 2022. This one is documented on youtube but it is only through an unlisted link. If anyone is curious to watch you can, my pov from when i started hard egodething wasn't recorded, but my friends reactions from it were. Before we tripped we were kinda all hanging out. This was boa's house as well from the last story. It was Me, Boa, our friend Thomas, and our other friend E. We had all been drinking and smoking a good bit. I had two or three 5% beers and I didn't keep track of how much they drank, I just know it was way more than me. We all then went inside after being outside for a while to get everything ready and then take the acid. We were gonna watch the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once on it because i had previously watched it and thought it would be a good idea, maybe it would've been better if it was just me or me and E. We take the acid, I took 2 tabs, E took 2 (i think), Boa took 1, and Thomas took 1. We start the movie and Boa and Thomas are both kinda bad at paying attention to things and were already kinda dogging on the movie because of the dildo scene they saw before watching the movie. We get a little into the movie before Boa wants to go outside to smoke in his car. I brought my starlight that had laser projections so you could see the lines if we hotboxed the car. We did that exactly, of course when we smoked thats when it started HITTING everybody. Me and E had already experienced pretty spiritual events on psychedelics but not as far as ego death id say. E ended up talking to Boa alone and I just went on a short walk with Thomas and at this point i thought me and E were gonna basically be spiritual guides to our other friends and we were both going into out different paths but it wasn't really like that. Me and Thomas just talked about regular things and how weird we felt and then walked back. I enjoy nightime a lot on acid but i also never have seen nature in the daylight while tripping besides once and i didnt really pay attention much, thats definitely something ill be doing soon, but back to what i was saying. Me and Thomas get back to Boa's house and Boa was laying in his drive way with E laying close by as they just stared at the stars. I think at this point Boa started getting into deeper thoughts that he didn't want to think about. So he says we should go inside so we can keep watching the movie. We start it back up and about 15-20 minutes everyone besides me gets kinda restless and needs to move, maybe because the movie was making them think too deep, but i was super tranced into the movie at this point. This is where i start losing all consciousness to the world. All of them leave the room to just roam around Boa's house. Meanwhile i again feel like the movie is speaking to me (this will come back again in the next story) but this time im unsure of what it's saying at that point. Soon enough Im not even paying attention to the movie but i am, it's hard to explain, im so far gone that the world is not real and im just speaking to myself as if only me and my thoughts exist. E walks in and sees me just staring at the screen, he joins me on the couch and we end up doing the same exact responses to stuff happening in the movie at the same time as if it was seriously telling us both the same things and our brains linked or something. Boa comes in and as he's recording he goes "look its the loser club" me nor E really acknowledge him though. He gets weirded out and leaves. After a while E says "im gonna take a shower, are you going to be okay without me?" i slightly nod my head and squeak out a "yes". The movie had ended by then and i was spiraling. Every thought i could think came to me. My visuals were pretty strong, i saw myself laying in Thomas's lap but he was morphing from fully fleshed to a rotting zombie corpse kinda thing, he was slumped over and the room in there was cold so i thought i was seeing the dead bodies of all my friends laying there with myself, the whole room including us turned into white paste and i attached  it to me being in a world full of semen, like thats the best way of picturing it, semen or a lot of white icing thats kinda melting off the walls. as i type this i kinda remembered why my brain was showing me this, it was trying to tell me that we have all been dead for years and this is how life actually is but we have made this sort of world in our heads so we can stop looking at all the gross horrible shit happening. i was so scared at this point but my body was unconscious but i could still like sort of barely move and i could still look around a lot and like realize theres a thing infront of me, but like, i just cant word it right. I don't believe the world is really us just dead but we trick ourselves into making it beautiful, but anyone reading this far, have you ever experienced a deep dark side to psychedelics like this where it feels realer than real life? because when i came to that view point i starting verbally saying "nothing matters" "theres no fucking point" "it all makes sense" "its all bullshit" just things like that, and i was looping saying those over and over. At one point E, Boa, and Thomas walk in the room. Boa has his flashlight in my face and goes, "what the actual fuck is wrong with you?". I snapped back at this point, i just saw him up close staring at me, i felt so much rage and anger because my own friend would dare say that to me at such a point in time where im super vulnerable, but i didn't have the strength to say anything. They all walk away again and i go back to spiraling. I kinda lost memory of this portion but i remember at one point i saw my moms eyes and smile cut into this picture of an ocean as if they eyes and the mouth were green screened on there and it made me think there are spirits everywhere at all times which to this day i still believe. I then see this picture of a sailboat just sailing infront of this plateau and i felt myself as the bottom of the boat or like a bird soaring in the sky, this point i felt like i was nothing. The whole room got DEAD quiet, the ac turned off and it was just my breathing, i see a tiny white dot on the ceiling and i slowly started getting closer to it. as i did the white dot turned into a white circle, almost a black hole but white, and it was sucking me in. i started seeing swirling colors on the walls of the circle, every color on the spectrum. I started realizing the randomness and everythingness of life after this. Boa had this cool swirly foot knitted foot stool i just got sucked into after getting sucked into the "white" hole. I felt myself soaring, this point i had no thoughts, no understanding of being a live, i was just, existing. I slowly start fading as it was around 8 or 9 am at this time and i fall asleep. I wake up to E and his gf standing infront of me as E cries. I get up and hug him, he said to me "i thought you were never coming back". He thought i got psychosis and forever was in the state i was in. I had almost no memory of that night when i woke up but pieces came back together over the months. That was my first actual egodeath and it was super super intense and i know i left a lot out but i also included a lot. Me and E talked about how we felt and then Boa and Thomas came in and Boa was still mad that i egodeathed and it really annoyed me how bad he was about it.

This was my first egodeath but it was not one of my favorites. However this next one is one of my most eye opening yet most horrifying and worst trips to date.

Story 3. 

This story involves me, E, and Thomas. My favorite superhero is Spider-Man, and Tobey Maguire is the one i grew up with so he's always been my favorite. I had watched No Way Home once before this, but they were re releasing it as the extended cut (september 2022) and so i thought it would be a bright idea to take mushrooms before. We got tickets to our MXT theater (basically IMAX but a tad bit smaller). I had taken 4 grams of mushrooms, E took one tab, and Thomas just smoked before and brought a flask of alcohol. I drove there and we were planning on Thomas to drive us back as my house was an easy 4 minute drive away that he'd be able to do if he was super wasted. I eat mine before we go in and E drops his tab. We head in and get our tickets, snacks, and then we walk to our seats. By the time the movie starts i already had a kinda bad feeling, the mushrooms were kicking in pretty quick. Since the movie starts with everyone knowing peter parker is spiderman and them peter grabbing mj and swinging through the subways i was pretty stressed out since the theater is loud and its a super big screen. The whole time im kinda having a nervous bad feeling but i power through a good amount. The point where everything starts going bad is during the condo fight scene with all of the bad guys. Right as peter senses goblin about to attack i started freaking out really badly but i was quiet during it. I just freaked out with thoughts in my head. I start feeling like tom hollands spiderman at this point and when his aunt may dies and the police start shooting at him i feel introuble, i think my mom has died and i think police are waiting outside the movie theaters for me. I thought a whole search helicopter was out for me. Goblin in this movie reallly freaked me out. The cgi really started popping out to me at this point, like i could see every effect they added as if i was working on the movie. When the other 2 spidermen come into the movie i feel as if they are trying to come and save me from some evil demise. When they all find tom holland in his special spot i felt as though they were all talking to me (told you it would come back). When they are all in the school science lab making the plans for the final battle i thought i was looking at me talking to different versions of me to find a way to save me. For some reason i had deja vu, i had the feeling as if i was dying again, but i felt like i had lived this before, i felt like i was in a movie theater before either dying or watching myself die, and from my trip and the time i remember it felt like the saddest moment of my life. And it wasn't like a memory from this life, it felt like it was a different life memory. idk if that sounds crazy but like i cant explain how real that deja vu feeling felt it was actually so insane. During the final battle i really just staring losing all meaning of reality again. I don't remember much of what i felt during it besides i was still in trouble and cops are waiting for me. I thought i was goblin and i had killed someone and i was really scared. The movie ends. The story does not end here though, far from it. The theater clears out as my friends watch the end credit scene. That ends and the lights come on, but im not moving. My friends are trying to get my out but im resisting really hard as if i was sucked into the seat. I then end up collapsing out of the seat to the floor. Im no longer in control of my body, im just in my head and my body is basically like a dead body but im still moving my eyes and sometimes saying things. Im conscience but at the same time im not. Soon enough an employee comes up and sees this happening, he asks and notices im acting reallly strange, so he has an officer come up who happens to be a narcotics officer. He starts talking to E (who is on a i think 200 ug tab) and E actually takes the rest of these events pretty well for being on acid during these times. He ends up figuring out im on mushrooms. He calls for extra support as in firefighters, more police, the paramedics, and of course all of our parents. Thomas was staring at me with pure anger he was mad i was acting this way again except this time this situation is happening. at this time i slowly started feeling the oneness of everything connect but i cant remember my thoughts as well for this one. Paramedics and firefighters come in to check on me. I remember feeling their gloves in my mouth and them putting the heart rate monitor on my finger. I get streched out of the theater, my friends parents pick them up, and my mom and her boyfriend go to the movies to see me. I dont think i was put in the ambulance at this point, i was in the back of my moms boyfriends truck as she was sitting beside me saying everything is okay. I stare out the window at the stars and think of the vastness of space. We enter the hospital they were checking me into and im slowly fading in and out. I remember being in a wheelchair, then a hospital bed with nurses and doctors surrounding me, and then i finally fully come back. ive come down to where i realize whats actually going on to me. I was having an MRI on my brain or head at this point and i was confused as to what just happened. I am hoping im still tripping and i ask where i am and the doctor goes "you are at methodist hospital right now" and in my head i do the biggest face palm and say "fuck" to myself. Everything that had happened in the past few hours comes back and instantly i worry about what happened to E and Thomas. Neither got introuble with their parents. I come back into the room i was in and my brother looks at me and raises his eyebrows and goes "yeahhh man". my mom comes in and tells her bf he can go now since she got her car as i was there for a few hours. He leaves and i say thank you to him for taking care of me and my mom and he tells me to be good. My mom was never angry at me for this she always said "i think you just did it the wrong way and did too much". I was dehydrated as well so that could've made the effects more severe. This one taught me a lot with being okay with how life is, but it also taught me to really respect psychedelics and not toy with them like i would with weed. It was one of my most thought provoking but my least favorite as well as it was the one that went the most horrible. Im just glad everyone was okay in the end. This final story is pretty intense but it ends way better and to this day i think is my favorite trip.

Story 4. 

Last but not least, this trip was in november. I took a gel tab and the ug is unknown. This time i was just at home with E spending the night being my trip sitter. Not much of a lead up for this one, i took the tab and we were just watching some youtube in my room. Me and E have tripped together at my house a lot and he had his first egodeath in my bathroom shower, so we are both very close and we really like going deep into our trips. I ended up smoking about 25-30 minutes after i took my tab. We were hitting gravity bongs and i only hit one and that really started the effects for me. He hit a few and then i ended up putting a funny commentary track video about Spider-Man No Way Home. With the movie trip have happened so close to when this trip was i started going back into the trip from watching the video. E kinda noticed because i was acting weird and very like sensitive about what i said and so he went "im getting tired i think im gonna go to bed" as a way to not have to worry about me when i go into my deep trip place as thats what always freaks him out and i told him "if i ever do that again don't worry about me, im okay in there". So he went to bed and i started watching THE MEANING OF LIFE by Don Hertzfeldt and the beginning with everyone talking all those negative things started getting me into a really bad scary headspace, so i searched up "how to calm down" and stuff like that, and none of the videos helped but then i saw "Strawberry Fields Forever" by the beatles and clicked on it and it calmed me down a good bit. I feel like the meaning of that song is that life (strawberry fields) is a forever things that repeats and repeats. That's my take, im unsure if theres an actual meaning to the song. I end up saying its too much so i go to my bed, put my headphones on, and put on a blindfold. I wanted to try a blindfold while tripping for a while so i thought that was the perfect time. It sent me way deeper, i dont remember exactly what i thought but i remember it was. I have an app to record your feelings during a trip so thats what i did during this. When i had my blind fold on i had the feeling of dying again. i was super nauseous and felt as if i was about to die again. i was very comforted at the same time though. I ended up not being able to take it anymore so i connected to my speaker and started playing ambient music and i took the blind fold off. I went to my dog sleeping in my room and started petting her. I remembered all three spidermen and started feeling 3 guardian spirits over my head protecting me telling me everythings gonna be okay. This is the point where EVERYTHING from my past trips came back. I started feeling every human being born and die at the same time, i was breathing so well, i saw myself as the buddha sitting under a tree and it was pure and i mean PURE bliss. as if i was being enlightened. Im sure true enlightenment is way deeper than this but i feel like i had to have gotten somewhere truly deep. In my trip app i wrote this down, "I saw myself in the movies again, as the spidermen, and goblin. i saw myself die as every single human ever but be reborn as every single human ever. i saw myself as buddha and started meditating without even thinking about it. The three spirits around me alone with my spirit and every spirit on earth and in the universe combine into one large consciousness that is life and the universe. the universe and space is just pieces of us who are slowly dying which is why space is a void of nothingness (dark matter) inbetween all the planets and stars which are us as well. But that nothingness is something, its all of us, every planet is all of us, every atom and molecule is us, god is the universe, god is us, we are god, we are our own selves experiencing each other at different points in out life times. when you hurt someone, you only hurt yourself. this may confirm every religion to be true or it may be something way deeper we just cant comprehend unless we all combine again at the same time to understand this whole consciousness that we make up and inhabit.". I still believe we are all just a big consciousness that made the universe so we wouldn't be so lonely. The loneliest thing in existence is the universe. I believe we have lived the lives we had already and we repeat it until we reach the next level. People like the buddha have reached that next state. It doesn't have to exactly be enlightenment but we have to find ways to break the chain of this repeating life. Im not sure how to word it well, but i truly believe theres something deeper about all of this. The universe didn’t appear out of nowhere for no reason. I've seen so many things recently that exactly connect my view points to maybe being true. If others have experienced similar things and have the same view points maybe im not crazy. The biggest thing to make me think this is the show Space Dandy, Mainly with the deeper episodes. The second season explains all of my thoughts perfectly. It's my all time favorite show. It can be so stupid and dumb in some episodes but then have the most heart wrenching most thought provoking episodes ever, and so many are exactly how egodeaths feel and maybe im looking too deep into things but i truly believe that show has a deeper meaning that people who have had that experience and understand it will understand those episodes more.

Anyways, i think life is cool how everything just spawned out of nowhere. I think that there are reasons that ergot and mushrooms grow on this earth. They could be keys to unlock deeper meanings if used right. I am from now on only using them to go deeper into spiritual awakening. I find beauty in everything and i always know that life will be okay. Going with the flow has gotten me far spiritually, keeping that energy with life has been seeming to go super well with me. Ill find myself overthinking a lot still and having worries and doubts but i have a way better and way more positive outlook on life than i did before. I believe in the multiverse, reincarnation, the universe just being one big brain basically, and many of these very deep thoughts. Space Dandy and Everything Everywhere All At Once perfectly explain these ideas and they are my favorite pieces of visual art to exist. Life is beautiful, anything and everything is possible in this world of pure randomness, life is just a jumble of everything mixing with everything. Music is definitely other worldly as well. I believe music is something more than sounds we find pleasant. What do you guys think? Has anyone else experienced something insane like this? Can anyone say the think similarly to me? Do i have good ideas of what the world could be? I wanna hear your stories really bad and i want to hear feed back on what people think about my story. I took 2 nights to write all of this so i dont imagine anyone else's will be as detailed or as long as mine, but if it is go ahead! I would love any type of feedback. Thanks to any one who took the full time to read all of this and also respond. Much Love. Lets keep on breathing :)