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1g cap and a (bad?) trip that stripped me bare

Anxiety and fear turned soul searching

Wow. I just want to say that prior to last night’s trip, I would read these trip reports and feel skeptical that a mushroom could actually elicit feelings as haughty as “enlightenment”, “ego death”, or any other border lining divinity. Even still, I figured taking one little cap surely wouldn’t cause anything profound. Boy was I wrong. I still struggle to process the multitudes of understanding that I felt, but I’ll try my best to explain my experience. 

I had tripped once before— a level 1/2 about a week ago— which was a mild and pleasant experience. I’ve recently taken an interest in growing psilocybin mushrooms and wanted to sample the cap of a shroom I want to clone. I’m not totally sure what strain this is, but given how thick the stems are, my assumption is PE. The cap was roughly the size of a half dollar coin and heavily stained blue underneath. I popped that sucker in my mouth, chewed it to a pulp, and swallowed. In theory I understood the importance of set and setting. I want to ensure a good experience as much as possible, but last night I found myself ignoring the nagging feeling that I’m using this mushroom as a distraction from the things that need to be taken care of. My apartment was slightly messy, my hair needed a wash, the trash was full, and I had been stuck doom scrolling online for hours. In my mind, part of me was looking for some simple entertainment but deep down I was hoping to heal the emptiness that follows me— the mushrooms knew this well before I did. 

I plopped onto my bed and snuck under the covers, mindlessly scrolling on my phone. At the 30 minute mark, my raw concrete ceiling began to flow like mist. The visuals started out light, but quickly began to intensify. My mind began to race. Had I taken too much? Why do I feel so anxious right now? How do I get this to stop? I started searching online how long this would last knowing full well that I had at least a few more hours in the tank. I sat there in my bed feeling miserable as I watched my ceiling twist and walls warp all while my comforter suffocated my body. Nausea also began to tug at my stomach so I tried my best to quiet my mind and just enjoy the visuals which were akin to a haunted forest… not so lovely.

I began to pray to God to speak to me through this awful experience. I wanted it all to end as this was nothing like the fun, joyful trip I had the week prior, but I also wanted something to change in me. I constantly struggle with depression and apathy, failing to take care of myself or engage socially. I spend all of my time on my phone, avoiding both responsibility and  activities that give me joy. The only thing that really motivates me is my partner who is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. As happy as he makes me, I begrudge the fact that I constantly fight myself to do things just for me. Sometimes pride is the only thing motivating me to keep up— the fear of others looking down on me for struggling. 

As I thought about these problems that I keep locked away, something in me shifted. I waved my hands in front of me, letting my fingers and wrists flow. I traced my legs and saw the patterns forming in the textures on my skin. I waved my feet in the air, spreading my toes and kicking through the rainbow beams surrounding me. I found my fingers in my mouth, feeling my tongue and all my teeth. It was then that my brain felt such a strong connection to my body, and decided that I was beautiful. I began to ask myself out loud, What do I want? Who am I?, saying it over and over again. I could feel my soul really digging deep to find these answers, deeper than I’ve ever dug before. My mind felt like it was running through all versions of who I was. I saw myself in every single person on this Earth all at the same time. I saw myself laying here in my warm apartment, but I also saw myself out on the cold street. I was one with myself and content with every place I could be in this life, but questioned how I could take all the blessings I have for granted in this present reality. How could I feel so empty when there’s so much to feel grateful for. I have food in the fridge, loved ones, a warm bed, a job that takes care of me. This brought me back to my question of What do I want? I want to radiate love and joy to the world, this I feel I’m good at. But I also want to love myself and reach my highest form. 

Before I knew it, I had stripped myself down to nothing but a strand of energy in the universe deciding what form to take. I decided on the identity I want to take. First, I am human, but I am also a woman, Asian, 5’6”, happy, cat lover, Christian, runner, etc, etc, until I had crafted the form my energy wants to take in this life— everything from my unchanging physical body to the transient details about my personality/interests. I also recognized my ability to change and honor the different directions my energy may flow throughout this lifetime. My mindless scrolling on TikTok or struggling to get out of bed is all part of a greater fabric that forms who I am, but it’s not all that I can or will be. 

This tension that I feel with myself— my depression, ambitions, and desire to do more— is all just part of my energy wanting to shift and it’s my job to honor that as best as I can. 

When I had arrived at this realization, I began to cry. I felt like I had lost myself, but found enlightenment on my way back. I began to worry about what others may think of me, but then I, for the very first time, truly felt content with just being me. It’s such a cliché thing to say, but for a prideful people-pleaser like me, this feeling was so novel it shook me to my core. I constantly live for others, but I want to live for myself too. These things are so dogmatic it sounds silly to arrive to such an obvious conclusion. However, the mushrooms really emphasized the gravity of this for me as I really needed it.

During this long, winding introspection, the visuals transformed from spooky ghost-like shapes to rainbow beams and oil slicks. I really paid no mind to what I was seeing, however, as my thoughts consumed me entirely. 

By the time 5 hours had passed, I felt like a new woman. The trip that started out bad turned me inside out and made me whole. I’m thankful for the experience, even though it was nothing like what I was hoping for. It was simply all that was meant for me. I was able to answer my question of “Who am I?”, and now I feel oriented on discovering what it is that I want. All part of the journey it seems.

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