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10g PE God Trip

Ego Death, Suicide, Rebuilding



I posted this on reddit a few weeks ago, and am just now posting it here. 

This is a trip report after taking 10g of magic mushrooms. Strain was penis Envy. I want to take a minute to clear some stuff up before i get into the trip report. This was not recreational by any means, and i never intended for it to be that way. I did these 10g because i am a combat vet that suffers severely with PTSD, anxiety, anger, the whole 9 that comes with being a combat vet. I have done several trips in the past ranging from 2g up to 7, and while those trips helped me take the edge off my anxiety, i wanted to go to the source and find out what the exact thing is that is causing my anxiety, and stare it in the eyes and make it my bitch, and as you will soon find out, boy was i fucking wrong about that. This trip was purely therapeutical.

So to start the trip out, i had gotten 15g of PE from my dealer, because my gf was wanting to do her own 5g trip, and i was still at the time on the edge of doing another 7g trip, or going full bore to find the source of my anxiety and do the 10g trip. Come the next morning i was weighing everything out and i decided that i aint no bitch and im going to go full bore and do the 10g trip. I weighed them out and got to exactly 10g. Put them in my blender and made them a fine powder, and then made me my tea and mixed in 2 hot chocolate packets and drank it like i have done with all my trips prior. I then laid down in my bed, put my earbuds in and turned on a lyricless trippy song playlist, put on my trip mask (literally just a sleep mask to block out all incoming light), and waited. My gf was on my right side and was there to trip sit me, and this was not her first rode, and thank god it wasnt. The last time that i remember was 8:48 AM.

Within probably 10 minutes i began to see light visuals. At first it was me above a lake, and i was watching the ripples of the water go through the lake. It was very peaceful and somber. This very quickly escalated to visions that i was in a room and there were people, and they began to open the door and leave. I told them not to leave me. I didnt want them to leave me, and i was enjoying the time that i was spending with them. Shortly after saying that though i realized that i was going against my one biggest piece of advice, and that was fighting the mushroom. I was fighting them trying to get them to leave. So i told them they can go should they like, and they did. Visions of them were replaces with a black demonic figure, with a handful of some golden energy looking stuff. Its quite hard to describe how it looked to me. This figure then began to take away the energy, and i once again set myself up for failure and told it to not take the energy. After realizing the mistake that i had made, i told it that it could take it. For a brief moment after that i was talking to a black man about something, and he phased into a red car, and his head turned into a pizza box. I had been craving Dominos pizza for some time so im sure that just made its way into my trip that way. Very weird, and i remember exclaiming out loud and audibly laughing that this mans head turned into a pizza box.

From there the trip took a super awesome turn, and i had become a nothingness. I was infinitely big, and infinitely small, and i was left to explore the world. God told me that the world to me was my side of the bed, and he proclaimed to me that he wanted me to explore it. So i began to physically explore my bed. I was flipped upside down on the bed for some time (so putting my head where my feet normally go, and feet where my head goes). I was feeling and exploring my girlfriends legs, i was a nothingness left to explore the vast darkness of under the covers. It was the most incredible feeling. At some point when i was under there i pulled off my trip mask and changed my playlist from my lyricless playlist to my normal playlist, which contains songs from Dayseeker, Bad Omens, and Lorna Shore (heavy metal/death metal bands). Eventually i came out from underneath the covers, and resumed laying in my normal spot on my bed.

From here my memory becomes kind of clogged on the chain of events leading up to about 5 minutes prior to me peaking, but i began to slowly dissolve into a panicked state of mind, and i was unaware of the change in the trip, and so was my gf. Things began to take a turn where i started becoming indecisive. I would say i wanted sparkling water, and my gf would go get me some and when she would come back i would exclaim that i no longer wanted any. This happened several times. I had given my gf my phone and told her to change songs when i requested. At one point i had her restart Immortal by Lorna Shore 3 times because i wasnt happy with it. then i quieted down and laid in bed, and went through about 30 minutes to music before asking her to restart back on Immortal once more.

Then shit went south, and it went south quick. I rolled over and jokingly said to my gf "Im scared im going to fall off the floor." Then about 10 seconds later i did it again, saying the same thing, but slightly more serious. A third time i did it, except this time it was filled with rage. I slung my trip mask across my room and screamed at her "IM SCARED IM GOING TO FALL OFF THE FUCKING FLOOR". The trip at this point had become sour, and i was quickly losing my mind, ego, everything about me was quickly vanishing, and i was only starting the ego death. I remember looking out of my window, which is normally full of trees, and it was all gray and there were no trees. It was at this point i knew i was in for something, and i wasnt prepared.

I pulled my covers over my eyes and pulled my earbuds out saying "I dont want the music anymore." And i just laid there. I felt my soul surge with the energy of a million souls, and i began a physical climb up what looked like mount everest. I was out of body. This was not an easy climb. It was everything. It was all my trauma. My PTSD, my anxiety, my anger, fucking everything. This was that mountain, and the power of those million souls was what gave me the energy to climb this mountain. I was peaking, and i was peaking harder than i had ever peaked in my life.

Then i came out of the out of body experience. There was music in my ears, but nothing was playing. My earbuds were out and im pretty sure my TV was off. It was the most beautiful sound i had ever heard in my life. I broke down, and i broke down hard. I was crying the hardest that i have cried in years. I told my gf to hold on, because i was just feet from the peak of this mountain of trauma that i had just climbed, and i needed her physical energy to complete this climb. She held on, and i fucking blasted off. It was amazing. It was the greatest release of emotion and pain that i have ever wanted. I remember saying "This is what i have been after." and it was. It was exactly what i needed, and my gf was there with me to give me the final bit of strength to come up and stand atop that mountain of torment and trauma. I thanked the souls that had joined me on my journey, and who had so graciously given me their energy. I remember screaming at the absolute top of my lungs "I AM GOD", and i meant it with the conviction of a billion souls, because in that moment, standing atop that mountain, I was. I was God. There was only one person in the universe that could have done what i just did, and it therefore meant that i was that. I got out of my bed, and came into my office and collapsed on the floor, a broken man. I was broken. I just overcame what i had been using shrooms to help me overcome, and i didnt know what it was i was meant to be anymore. I began the most brutal ego death that i have ever seen, and i was the test subject on this train ride to hell.

I was on the floor of my office, screaming and crying. I called for my gf to come in and just be with me, because i was fucking scared. I was a broken man and at the same time i felt like i was a God. I was a broken God. One that had gone astray from the normal paths of the Gods, and one that will forever be exiled and forgotten about, unless he does one thing. I told my gf to get me my favorite sweatpants. What was coming was something i could have never been prepared for, and i dont think anyone would ever be prepared for. She brought me my favorite sweatpants, and a blanket. I laid there, knowing what i must do, and it felt so good to have that thought. It was the happiest thought of my life, while at the same time i was filled with dread that i must do it. It was like this trip was the pathway to it. I knew what i had to do, and i learned from those 2 incidents prior that i must not fight the mushroom. I must give into it and listen to it.

The it that i am talking about is suicide. My trip had turned sour. It had turned beyond sour, and i was happy about it. I was extremely happy that i was prepared to kill myself. I was seeing it as a gateway to the next level. I was at a fork in the road. I began pacing about, because while this thought was on one brain wavelength of mine, another brain wavelength was being the more sober one, and it knew suicide is never the option. It knew how bad it was. It knew that i must NEVER do that. I looked at my gf, as she was following me around as i paced between the bedroom and my office, and i told her "Whatever happens, happens." That was all that i was able to say. I was trying to ground myself, but the combination of the overwhelming music in my ears, and the ungodly intense visuals, and the fact that at this point i had lost complete grip with reality, made it literally impossible to ground myself. I was panicking. I was in the midst of the most brutal ego death, and i was at a crossroads. Fight the mushroom and live, or submit and fucking die. Obviously i fought, and i fought with fucking everything that i had.

The only way that i knew how to fight was lay down in my bed. So i did. I was still trying to ground myself at this point, because suicide was still ever so prevalent in my head. To me, reality was just a word. It was not something tangible. It was not something that i could touch. It was not me, laying in my bed, with my gf standing up next to me. I was a nothingness again, but in the most horrible way. I tried everything to ground myself. At this point i lost the ability to distinguish between what was genuine reality, my memories, fake bullshit that my brain was concocting, and whatever shit else was coming out. It was all one, and the one that it was was not a good one.

Now i had 4 trains of thought, and 4 sets of emotions all running congruent with each other. The primary one was one where i truly believed that i had indeed blown my brains out with my 12 gauge shot gun. I believed that i was living in the spirit realm, and it was the most horrifyingly peaceful place that i have ever been. At one point i remember getting out of bed and checking my gun safe, ensuring that the door on it was still closed and locked. I was making sure that i hadnt gone through with the suicide. While i was able to tell that the door was shut, seeing this did not calm down this train of thought.

The second was one where my gf also panicked, and had called 911 and my mother. I genuinely believed that there were EMTs, and police standing outside of my door, and my house, and they were waiting for me to calm down from the trip before they came in and swooped me up and arrested me for some unimaginable crime that i felt that i committed. I was petrified. It was the scariest thing that i have ever experienced and felt. These 2 aforementioned trains of thought would sometime meld with each other and become one.

The third train of thought was one where i had my psychotic break, and i was actively being carted off on a stretcher, being taken to a loony ward because i was now permanently stuck in this headspace and level of high. I had accepted it, and i understood it. I was very matter of fact with this. I accepted it and i felt that i deserved what i had coming for me, and that was being locked in a loony ward for the rest of my gods given life. I told my gf that i loved her and that i knew that i was going to lose her, my job, my sponsorship (just weeks prior to this trip i signed my first major sponsorship contract for motorcycle racing, and its something that brings me great joy seeing where all my hard work has finally gone, and things are finally starting to come up).

The final train of thought wasnt really a train of thought, but it was the light at the end of this horrific tunnel. Little did i know, but when i was at my peak, standing on top of the mountain of my trauma and pain, there really was one more step i hadnt yet stepped up, and this was this final step. I got to rebuild my brain to be how i wanted. I got to pick and choose what i wanted to keep, and what i wanted to throw away. I was rebuilding my brain, and it brought me great solace to get to do this. So i did. I rebuilt my brain. I picked and chose what i wanted to keep, and what i wanted to lose. I peaked about 10:30 according to the timestamp on my gopro, and i estimate this phase of the trip to have lasted until about 12 noon.

Through that hour and a half, i was slowly realizing that i was starting to get to be able to ground myself. It started out with me figuring out the time, and the date. To me they meant nothing and were just words, but i was able to understand something physical. In this time i set a goal for myself, a goal of 4 pm. I just needed to make it to 4 PM, and my gf was there to help me with that goal. I cant tell you how many time i asked her the time, date, and just repeated "I just need to make it to 4pm". My gf said it was at least 5 times i asked this.

Slowly but surely, i came down. I was not stuck in that frame of mind like i thought i was. I indeed didnt kill myself. I wasnt being taken off to the loony ward, and there werent police and EMTs outside my door and house waiting for me to come down from the trip. I was going to be ok. I was alive, and i had a new brain. A brain that i rebuilt to the specifications that i wanted. One without trauma, or pain, or suffering. I still had my wonderful girlfriend, and she was there the whole trip.

Fast forward 11 days (this trip was on December 3) and im still struggling. I find myself sometimes second guessing if im really alive. Not really believing that im not in the spirit realm. But that is becoming less and less. I keep replaying this trip in my head, to gain a better understand of what went wrong, and where it went wrong. I think it went wrong when i yeeted my trip mask across the floor and exclaimed that im scared of falling off the fucking floor. I dont know why it went bad, and i probably never will know why it went bad. All i know is that i must take that trip, and learn and grow from it. There is a lesson for everything, and i am learning that lesson every day now.

As for my rebuilt brain. Its incredible. I really did rebuild my brain. Since then i havent had those issues that i mentioned prior. I am able to get to sleep in a reasonable time now. Im able to sleep well in fact. Something that i havent had in years. I dont have nightmares or night terrors anymore. I think that as bad as this trip was, it was also just as good. Im taking every day in stride now and working on myself and my issues.

And for my gf. She didnt know. She was not aware that i took the 10g hero dose. She thought that i was doing 7g, and it wasnt until i was laying on the floor of my office that she learned the true size of the dose that i took. I hate that i put her through that trip. I regret at least not telling her and giving her a heads up, but i am forever grateful that she was there with me, and helped me climb the final steps of my mountain. I owe her dearly for that.And thats it man. That is my trip. I call it my "God Trip", because i was. I was a broken and misplaced God. Simple as that.

A little part that i didnt put into the reddit post here. This trip was just shy of a month ago, and so far none of my issues have even slightly returned. With all my trips prior by this point i would have a returning of my issues, be it slightly or fully. I truly do feel as if i actually rebuilt my brain and got rid of everying that i have had to live with. I have also found that it is much easier for me to have the ability to look at things in different manners, and explore more sides of topics and be more open to those different, often condradicting to my own beliefs, topics. It was one hell of a trip, and while it can be looked at as a bad trip, i think that for me it was something that i needed and something that has helped me greatly. 

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