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First trip in 5 years.

Everything stopped nothing existed..

   Five years ago, during the summer of 2017. I had been free of all psychedelic substances for around 10 years. A friend of mine asked me to go to a field with him and gather some cubes. After we got them dried, a few days later we tripped together.  A very mild pleasant trip unveiled to me a whole summer of psychedelia. So for the next few months, every weekend, or at least every other weekend, I would take a 5 to 12 grams dose alone in my bedroom in the dark. At that time I smoked around 4 blunts a day and had been doing so for years. I say this to give a better understanding of my daily tolerance for "mind altering" substances... if that makes sense. (I'm having a hard time still today.) That summer I had some deep and crazy trips. I tripped until the mushrooms stopped growing that year.. So after the first of the year.(2018). I quit smoking weed and didn't use any psychedelics, or anything else for that matter. 
  So fast forward until last week. (Middle of July 2022). I began to think about using some mushrooms to help me quit smoking cigarettes. I went to a field and gathered as many cubes as I could and dried them. I then made plans to take them Saturday the 23rd. Last night... my wife and I had the house to ourselves. (She doesn't take any by the way.)         To start with I didn't get much sleep Friday night and went to work Saturday morning at 6:30 with barely 4 hours of sleep. But I was in a good mood and had a very good day. I got home at 4:30 pm and took care of some chores went to a friend's house and he gave me a bit of weed. Just in case things went sideways during my trip. 
   So around 10 pm last night I weighed out my dose. At first 5 grams. Then after a bit of back and forth I re-weighed them to right at 4 grams. I then soaked them in the juice of one whole lemon. Also a few lemon seeds went in as well. (This is how I've always taken shrooms) After letting it soak for about 15 minutes I added a teaspoon of sugar and some water and drank the contents of the cup. I sat with my wife and we talked as she was working on a painting while the mushrooms began to take hold. 
   The initial on set was very smooth. But then I went out on our porch to have a cigarette and things began to imedantly become intense. I came back in and tried to play guitar and the visuals were wild. My floor was becoming no longer a floor but a melting liquid, and my walls were loose material shifting and spinning. Faces of demonic creatures we suddenly and frequently presented to me in every place I looked. (This was only 20 or 30 minutes in.) I composed myself enough to go back out on the porch but after being out there for only a few minutes I came back inside and told my wife that I was going to go lay down. As I got into my bed I put in my earbuds and hit play on my preselected music. I was then thrust into a world of open eyed hallucinations of thousands of spinning cylinders. With every song change the hallucinations also changed. I kept thinking I needed to open my eyes but my eyes were open. The only objects I could see were my fan and my bedroom door. I kept thinking that if I start to loose touch with reality that, all I needed to do was take out my earbuds stand up and walk out my bedroom door. But I had already lost touch with reality by this point without realizing it. That's when the fear began for me.
    I couldn't see anything now other that strong vivid hallucinations that I can't even describe to my own mind even now. Much less find words to explain them to anyone else. After an hour, ( I only know it was an hour now because I've checked a timeline of music played on my app.) I somehow got up and went back to my porch where I found my wife. She was taking a break from painting and having a cigarette. Then I thought if I smoked some of the weed it may help me but it didn't. It drove me deeper into oblivion. I told my wife that I needed some water and I came inside and got water, then went back to my bed. My wife later told me that after only a minute or two  I came back out. But to me it felt like hours or maybe even years. I'm not sure.... But I  was very scared and knew I needed her. So I went to our sliding glass door and asked her to help me. She came in and I was going to my bed. She sat with me rubbing my back and told me that I was ok. But in and out of reality I kept falling. She told me she needed to go get her night clothes on and I begged her not to leave me. But after a bit I was feeling a little better. So she went to change. That's when I left my head.. 
   I fell into unreal nightmarish hell. I didn't know who I was. I didn't even know who she was. I only knew that I desperately needed her to be right beside me. Nothing made sense. I couldn't see anything other than pink bule pale colors of off white. I saw nothing for the first time in my life. And nothing was terrifying. I couldn't tell if I was asleep or awake. There was no difference between being alive or dead. I didn't know what my reality had ever been. Time had no meaning. I didn't understand anything. Nor did I know if I or anything ever existed. I felt that I was the universe and that nothing existed other than me. It was horrible. Traumatizing even. 
   My wife came back in. She said now it had only been ten minutes but I felt like it had been hours or years maybe. I remember being so afraid that my entire reality was a figment of my imagination. I thought I was insane but i didn't know what that ment. After my wife sat with me and talked softly to me for a while I was coming in and out of reality again. Each time I was back I would try to laugh because that was all I could do. And for some reason I didn't want her to know exactly how much fear and trauma I was in. 
    Up until I somehow managed to ask her for help. As soon as my trip had started. I began to feel like someone or something was watching me. It was always present, like it was just out of view but I knew it was there. The only times I didn't feel it was when I was trapped in nothingness or when my wife was with me. I honestly for a while didn't even think in words or pictures of what we know and understand reality to be. It was more frightening and frustrating than anything I have ever been through. I literally couldn't even cry but tears were falling from my eyes when I came too a few times. 
    There is so much more that happened but i can't even begin to explain it right know. Maybe I can update later. My mind still isn't ok. I'm struggling with everything. I never thought 4 grams could do this to me. I've taken much higher doses than that before. But this was the farthest I've ever been. I think what brought me back was when my wife said "everything is ok and everything is still the same you're here with me not in your head". That is when I was able to hold on to reality and start to remember who I was again. And who she was, along with everything else. But it was still a long process to land on a tangible surface. I'm not sure that I am all the way back yet or not honestly. How frightening the mind can be when unlocked and left unsupervised. 

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