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Braless with muddy feet in a park on Canada Day

3.75g of catharsis

Braless with muddy feet in a park on Canada day:
On an ordinary Friday morning I walked into the home of a trusted friend to meet a man, ok a wizard, who would change my life

My fear and anxiety was high as I prepared myself for what would come next

Not only was this upcoming experience completely foreign to me, popular culture had me believe that I would be skipping down a rainbow path riding a unicorn vomiting sunshine, or that I would potentially face vecna-esque demons in my own version of personal hell

Needless to say, I was nervous

The previous days dieta was a beautiful preparation for my mind and body

Clean eating, no caffeine, no alcohol or cannabis, no sexual activity, lessened media…a true reset

When I sat down at the counter armed with my journal, a satin face mask (made totally obsolete by the “mindfold” I was given to wear) and a picture of Amma, I was asked the most poignant question: has anything come up for you this week?

I paused in awe
It sure had

I felt called to deep clean my apartment
To remove stagnant energy and belongings, to set the stage for “future Jess” when she returned home

I also made plans for dinner with my mother. A seemingly menial thing, but when our relationship is unearthed more deeply, you would understand that this was a beautiful sign of deep change and healing for us both

My guide reminded me that the work and healing often begins pre ceremony - I can confirm this is absolutely true

And thus the journey began
Intentions were set, a beautiful alter laid out, chocolate dosed for my particular needs and desired journey - I focused on my breath and the reasons why I felt so called to the medicine

As I slowly consumed each piece, I felt the nerves rise in my throat

I allowed the chocolate to slowly melt, and imagined what the process must be like to make such a creation - my mind wandered, but I took deep breaths, and surrendered to the process

My guide and I said the most beautiful prayer and offering to Mother Nature, the land, the winds, the universe and beings of this earth plane and others

I lay down and was ready to begin

At first, I didn’t feel much
I focused deeply on my breath and stared into the face mask into what felt like a deep black starry sky

I had seen that sky before
Years ago
On a photography trip

When an event that is hard to describe occurred to me
I liken it now to a brush with god, the universe, aliens, nature - whatever you want to call it
I sat on a clear summer night, at the peak of Milky Way season in the middle of a still and completely quiet lake - zero sounds around us
Stars above and below, and me somewhere in between

I felt immensely small and all encompassingly large at the same time

It was like being in the centre of a 3d planetarium

I felt held by that same loving, safe and all knowing energy, and I wept

I cried deep tears
I surrendered to the release, and it allowed it to flow

I said the classic stoner thing, have these kicked in yet?

My guide offered a booster dose and after a bathroom break I took it

Then it began even more deeply

Starting At the top corner of my right eye I was suddenly bathed in brilliant white light

My guru was there shining her smiling face and loving energy upon me

I again wept, and felt the embrace of her arms

Something called me to go outdoors

My loving guide stated that he was an expert in psychedelic hikes, packed a backpack and we were off

Time warped in a weird way as we strolled the three blocks along broadview to the park

I have never cared less about what people thought even though I was braless and basically in pyjamas

I spoke what was on my mind, and listened intently to stories along the way
We arrived at the park overlooking the skyline of the city and A beautiful ancient oak tree called me in

Just behind the trunk of the tree was the most stunning backdrop of 10foot tall reeds and grasses - birds and squirrels ran free, bees hummed in the clovers on the grass

I intently watched the leaves in the tree above us blow in the wind

I slipped in and out of feeling like I was completely present, energized and talkative, and into a place where I felt more quiet and introspective. I stretched, took deep breaths, and felt the grass and moist earth holding my body

A bird then called me into the muddy reeded area

A pull from the core of my body lead me over, and I had the immense desire to have my feet deep in the mud - I didn’t notice or care what was happening around me, I was solely focused on the earth, the birds, the wind and the squirrels

I connected with Mother Nature on a deep and fulfilling level - again, I felt held

I returned with muddy feet to the blanket and lay in the shade of the tree

My guide and I talked about the science of psychedelics, familial relationships, Star Wars, the universe, future dreams and manifestations, co creative magic and so much more

I felt safe to say exactly what I wanted and didn’t care when my mind wandered to other places

We discussed the importance of play as we watched children bounce on a trampoline nearby

In this discussion I unearthed the roots of a deep trauma wound I had not even realized I was carrying and broke into the most cathartic tears when I realized - my guide, with my permission, very gently touched my knee and rubbed my back as the cracking open became more intense

I was honoured to be congratulated for my work

He then said, “talk about going outside, to go inside”

We journeyed to a coffee shop on our amble back - the most perfect iced oat matcha with a psychedelic green and white spiralled straw

The slight sweetness and caffeine my body and soul needed, the condensation ran down my hand and wrist as the ice melted in the warmth of the July heat

I felt tired
But fulfilled

Calm, but present and excited

On our return to the apartment, a final closing song and some aftercare instructions were given

I felt some sadness about parting ways, but knew that solo integration time was very important now

Two beautiful heart centred hugs, and I was alone

My immediate call was to the cold, and I am deeply grateful to have been able to follow that call and immerse myself in beautiful clean cold water

I felt slow and tired, but like something had been lifted - a weight, a veil, ties or binds that had been holding me back

I learned more about myself and my experience of reality than I had ever imagined possible

As is the norm, the medicine gave me exactly what I needed, at the exact times that I needed it

I feel deep and humble gratitude to my fantastic guide
A beautifully knowledgeable and vibrant human being
Someone passionate about mental health, and the positive possibilities that psychedelics hold
I could release total control (a typically very challenging task for me) and knew that I was safe and supported, and had a champion in my corner cheering me on my journey

I am not the same person I was before 

This is only the beginning
With deep love and gratitude,

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