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Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south.
Bring a sitter.
Long story short: Tripping alone without experience is dangerous, as many many people here warned. I thought that I could do it alone and navigate anything, that I'd learned enough mechanisms to maintain control and redirect. I am grateful to have had someone to call, though they were an hour away.
Now that it has been a couple of days, I am feeling better about it. I feel so humbled by what I went through. The power of mushrooms deserves respect. I need to prepare even better for big trips in the future, if I decide that I need to go that deep again. I will likely explore lower doses, but not for a while.
A week ago, I took my first trip using my first successful flush, just under 2 grams. It was a very enjoyable experience, but it fell short of what I was going for. I would say it took me to level 2. The day was perfect, beautiful. I experienced a good afterglow for the whole week after. I was already trying to plan my next dose. To this point, nobody in my life knows what I've been doing. I didn't plan on telling anybody, either. I thought that I'd spent enough time here, and spent many many months preparing myself for the potential experiences.
My desire was to learn. About myself, about existence, and all of that stuff. I thought it would help me renew motivation or discover some insights about how I should grow and live my life. I wanted to experience ego death. To look so deep into myself that there would be no self. I wanted to see the indescribable.
Everything is Awesome
On Thursday, I measured out 5.8 grams. Melted some chocolate and mixed in the crushed, dried cubes, then cooled it in the fridge. At 5PM, it was consumed. I took a warm shower, put on my favorite clothes. Brought my headphones, pulled up a 3 hour psych mix without ads. I made sure my dog was fed and walked. I had the house to myself the whole weekend. Nobody would need me until after the trip was over at 11pm or 12pm. I had fasted since a light breakfast. I was in a wonderful, happy mood. I raised my bed to a reading position, closed the door, turned off the lights except for a small warm lamp in case I needed to get up.
At 5:30 I was working on getting into a good starting point to explore. I was browsing the top posts of the year in /r/spaceporn for inspiration.
Then I put the headphones on, and closed my eyes to start enjoying the trip. Everything started off really well. As the waves hit me, I started crying and smiling, and feeling pure euphoria. I kept on saying "thank you". So grateful to be experiencing this feeling. I was immersed in the feeling that everything is good. Everything! I was reaching up to my face to feel the tears and wipe them away. My body was vibrating and tingling. I was curling my toes and hands, giggling to myself.
But I wanted more. I started trying to ask questions. Why are we here? What is reality? I asked to be shown the answers. I didn't really hear anything back, but I accepted that I needed to wait a bit longer. It hadn't been that long yet. I returned to enjoying the body high and waves of euphoria.
There was some nausea at this point, but nothing that bad. Keeping still was enough. At a couple of points, I wanted to lay down more, so I'd try to reset my bed to the laying position, except it triggered a bit of nausea and gas. I had some major burping episodes. Putting the bed back up was the right call. I started getting very comfortable.
As I went deeper, thoughts kept trying to pull me back to reality. I reassured myself that I would be back, I was just going away for a little while. Going on a trip. Don't worry about me, I will be ok. Like there was this feeling that people would worry about me. But I needed to go away for a while, I needed to rest. God, I hadn't rested in so long. I was cold, and pulling blankets over myself wasn't enough. I had a light fan blowing on me.
Eventually, I was overcome with the most complete and perfect enveloping warmth. I felt ultimate calm, peace, and tranquility. I could breathe in so deep, and sigh with a phenomenal relief. I was still muttering "thank you" over and over. Expressing love for my mom, my partner. But, I still asked for more. At this point, I stopped asking questions, and instead had the feeling that I wasn't supposed to ask a question. What did "it" want me to do? I don't know what "it" was -- the mushrooms, the universe? It wasn't a being with any form, or anything I recognized. I can't think of any other way to describe it. But nothing I came up with was satisfying or the right thing. Do you want me to grow and propagate spores? No... Do you want me to share this experience and bring others here? No... Several more attempts later, I felt frustrated, furrowed my brow. Maybe I just need to wait. Can you just show me?
At this point, I started running through my preparation checklists to see where I was. Walked the dog, check. Home alone, check. Water, check. Check check check. I drummed my hands together, impatiently waiting. I wanted more. I wanted to leave. I started telling my conciousness "no". "stop". "stop." "STOP". At some point the voice didn't sound like myself. I laughed at that thought. There were points in the music where words spilled out, "we are from the future, everything is going to be ok". This was also funny to me. I had enough left that I knew it was just the music.
All this time, my eyes were closed. I can't remember any distinct visuals. On the occasion that my eyes opened to reorient blankets, the room was swimming.
At some point, the music stopped. But it didn't stop, it was like I'd fallen in between the notes. Like time had stopped. I was laying, in a womb. Enveloped in warmth again, feeling so rested. Feeling an immeasurable relief and rest. I'd needed to rest for so long. I was so, so grateful. I felt like I was underneath a frozen pond, but the pond was warm. I was looking up at the surface. I was sinking, but it was ok. I felt like this was it. It was about to happen. I was about to leave and disintegrate. I said "byeeeeeeeeeee...." and it just... trailed off. I cannot put words on what transpired after that. There was no more me.
Things go south
The next thing I remember, I suddenly removed my headphones. I felt oddly lucid, out of nowhere. Looking at my phone, it was only 7:50. Somewhere that should have been around the peak. I was confused. I heard my dog whining at the door, and I got up to greet her. I bent down to hug her and say how much I loved her. How it was her and me, together, just the two of us, we were going to do great things. I wandered around my house, stood in random places. Not thinking about anything, just being... confused. I ran my hand through my hair and felt extremely sweaty, started getting a headache. I started wondering what was happening, was this real?
I wasn't sure where I was or what day it was. I thought about calling my mom. I felt like things were starting to go badly. But I didn't want to worry her. Eventually, I stumbled back to my bed. It's feb 17th. 7:53. I took mushrooms. The trip isn't over yet. Just go lay down.
The next things I remember were... what felt like loops. I kept on waking up, rolling around. Reminded myself - it's feb 17th. Check my phone, it's 7:58. Why is time moving so slowly? Close my eyes again. My dog is up on the bed licking me, stepping on me. I ask her to go away, I need more time. I'm still tired, I'm not ready to come back yet.
This loop repeats over, and over, and over again. Eventually I start to wonder when it is going to end. I start to worry that it is never going to end. Flashes of reality start going through my head but don't make sense. Work doesn't make sense. How am I going to go back to work on Monday? I get this overwhelming dread that I broke reality. That it's never going to be normal again, that I won't be able to return to where I started. I try to remember... I took 5.8grams at 5pm. It's 8pm. You were in bed. Feb 17th. Thursday. I tried to get back into the same position I started but I couldn't remember what that was. I thought that I was in a fever dream. Like I was really sick. The covers had no beginning and no end. I went through bouts of being drenched in sweat, and then dry. I was crying, but my eyes were dry. I drank water, but I couldn't drink water. I thought that I would be lost here forever, or I would return at the wrong point in the timeline - back in my childhood bed, recovering from sickness. Or I was a homeless person who died in the street, overdosed on fentanyl.
I feel like I've been alone for so long. Like I haven't talked to anybody in an eternity. Like I might never get to talk to anyone I love again. I tried to call out to my mom, to my dog. I miss you.
Reaching out for help
An amount of time passed that felt like eternity. Looking at my phone, it's now 10PM. Somehow I get enough courage to call my mom. I tell her that I need help. I took mushrooms, can you come over? Sorry I know it's late, sorry. Can you come over though? She is an hour away. She starts getting ready to leave, but I can't tell if I'm actually talking to her. Did I call her? Is this just my mind playing tricks? Nothing she is saying makes sense. I asked her to stay on the phone with me and keep talking. I think that if there is a continuity of conversation I can't get lost again.
Over the next hour, I hang up on her about 7 times and call her right back, just to check if it is real. A couple of times I wait for her to call me back. When she does, waves of relief wash over me. I keep testing her, asking questions about where she is. I ask for stories about when she was growing up. She asks me questions and tells me stories. Every time it makes sense, I get a little bit more confident that this is real.
She says she's on my street. The longest hour of my life is almost over. I'd been checking my phone thinking 15 minutes had passed but only 2 minutes had. Finally, she's almost here. I feel so much fear. What if she says she is here, and nobody is in the driveway? I see headlights. The front door opens. I hug her the hardest that I've ever hugged anyone in my life. An overwhelming sense of relief.
I spent the next hour basically sobbing into her lap. Telling her that I thought that I'd died, that I couldn't tell what was real. That I wasn't sure that I was real or she was real, or if I would ever stop feeling like this. I told her a lot of stuff that I'd never told anybody. My struggles with alcohol, and pot, and other things. She holds me and tells me it will be ok, she loves me no matter what.
I show her everything I've been doing to grow mushrooms. I comment "how fucked up is this? what the fuck and I doing? why am I like this?" I trash my small grow, but stop short of getting rid of my ability to start over.
Finally at 2AM, I am able to go to sleep. It wasn't much of a good night. I've spent the last two days trying to understand the entire experience. Why it went bad, when everything started so good.
I'm going to take a significant break from mushroooms, but I don't feel like I'm done.
I do not regret this trip. I do regret being so arrogant as to think I did not need help from anybody. I should have told my mom, and had her in the house to help in case things went bad BEFORE the trip. But I wanted the full alone experience. I thought -- the chances of it going bad are so low, I can always call her on the 1% chance that it really does go badly. Maybe it was necessary, though. The experience was surely different. I feel like I gained some insight into the types of mental problems people face, questioning reality. I didn't come away with anything really satisfying though. I kind of feel hollow. Like, there are no answers for me there. Maybe I went so deep and found the bottom, and it was just empty. I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe there is something there and I didn't reach it? Maybe my ego still got in the way and interrupted the experience? I need more time to process.
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