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My first real trip

Why am I stuck in this loop??

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not sure what strain we had, or even the exact amount. The person I tripped with obtained them from a friend who grew them, and I don't honestly remember how much we had, either a full 4g each or 4g shared. I'd actually tried tripping a few times before this over the years, but must've had bad batches, as none resulted in anything other than money wasted.

So, this story is about my ex-fiance that I tripped with. We were together for 3 years, late 2000s, soul mate/twin flame type relationship. He brought up a few times while we were together that we'd been together in just about every past life we've had, and he clearly remembered one lifetime where he was going off to war while I stayed home waiting for him. He's also been the only person I've literally foreseen a future with, though I'm not one to get visions normally. Unfortunately, we had too many issues this lifetime, including his felony assault charge keeping him from working most of the time/difficulties finding a job, and the last straw was finding pics he'd sent of himself to another woman. Fast forward almost 9 years, and we reconnected when I found a stack of his old pics from his family that I didn't want to throw away. While we didn't talk all that often, it was enough that I'd offered for him to stay with me after his wife kicked him out almost 6 months later, thinking he was cheating on her.

Anyway, here's what I remember from the trip:

After ingesting, we were in my bedroom listening to techno, while also watching a fractal video on YouTube with that music muted. About 30-45 minutes after ingesting, I started to see visuals, like translucent waves coming off of the tv and onto the walls. After watching for them for a bit, I closed my eyes to let the ride take me where it wanted to go. I kept breathing kind of loudly, almost like giant sighs, and he told me later that when I would do that, he felt like he wasn't sure if he'd been breathing, so he would start again. I don't remember any specific thoughts, other than just enjoying the music, until we decided to change music. My wireless mouse doesn't always like to work on the bed on sober days, let alone while tripping, and the computer is old and laggy when using the browser, so I was having difficulties. He took over the mouse and music control, and I just laid back to get back into the headspace I was in. Feeling like barely minutes later, he was asking me to change the music again, I was having issues again, and he took over. This whole process happened yet again, and I told him that it felt like I was stuck in a loop. He didn't understand what I was talking about, but then it hit me how being with him felt like I was stuck in a loop, over many lifetimes, and in every single one, he's let me down. Major narcissist, feigns modesty and humility, should probably admit to himself and anyone he's with that a poly/open relationship would be best, and I seem to expect (and give) more than he's willing to put in the relationship. It made me extremely depressed, though thankfully not for very long. As we peaked, he started on this giggle/laugh train that swept me along too. It was a laugh I've never heard from him, a "hohoho, heeheehee, hahaha" kind of laugh that was so familiar, yet I couldn't place it, and every time he did it, I would crack up laughing too. Overall, I want to say the trip lasted about 6 or 7 hours, though it definitely felt like longer.

I've microdosed once since then, plus one trip of about 5.5g of (probably) GTs, but nothing as good as the first real one went, even with the crushing realization that we're not meant to be unless he makes some real changes. Even if he did, my trust is gone, and I never want anything to do with him ever again, in this lifetime or any others. It would suck for him if I'm his lesson, since I've already walked away.

I doubt anyone will read this, but if you have, thanks for stopping by <3

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