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Into oblivion

The duality of existence

Psilocybe Cubensis 
3.5g dry

     To begin it has been 11 years since I had last tripped on mushrooms. My previous experiences had ranged from a fun entertaining trip, to mildly confusing and uneventful. I decided it was time experience it again, and so I cultivated my own mushrooms. I set out to the place where my first trip took place, in nature, a place of solitude.

     I arrive to my destination late in the evening, around 7:00pm, it is a cool summer day. I begin to set up and organize my camp for a long night, unsure of what the night has in store. I set up my tent near the pond, build a fire, and set out my food and water to be easily  accessible. It is now 8:00pm, I take off my top shit, shoes, socks, and roll up my pant legs. I sit in the grass a few feet from the fire with a bottle of orange juice, and 3.4g of cubensis and I begin to eat. With the mushrooms consumed I close my eyes and ask myself, (What do I want to gain from this experience?) From somewhere within me answers ( I want to see the universe, what are we, and why are we? I want be one with nature and know my place in its existence)

     Im starting to feel the effects now, very mildly. Colors are vivid and I feel curious. I get up and walk around the pond observing the water, and trees. Arriving back to my camp I feel a jolt, Im beginning to come up. I sit down by my fire, and the world around me comes to life. The grass is breathing, the trees are waving, I close my eyes and I see 3 dimensional patterns of red. Im now feeling a bit nauseous, but it will pass. I close my eyes again, feeling another jolt through my body I open by eyes. The landscape has suddenly changed and nothing is visibly normal, all things are geometrically shaped. The tree branches are waving in sync with hexagonal leaves, almost dancing in a taunting manner as if they are showing me that they are more powerful than the world perceives. I feel something behind me and I turn around to see what Im feeling. It was a deer, Its looking at me and Im staring in awe. It lets out a snort, that rang and echoed in my ears. The deer ran off and all I could do is stare at it, mouth open, thinking (wow this is truly beautiful) all the while questioning if it was real. Sitting by my fire again I feel the Familiar jolt in my body, Im still coming up harder and harder, I have an (oh shit) moment when I realize this is going to be a journey of a magnitude I have never experienced before. Im feeling nauseous and disoriented. Im getting nervous of whats to come. I stand up to try and shake it off, I have little balance and I wonder around what seems to be a large area, confused and disoriented I go to my tent and attempt to get inside. I cant quite make it in all the way. I feel hot, Sweaty, its hard to breathe and I feel claustrophobic. Im starting to panic and I know better than that, I realize what Im doing so i grab my blanket and crawl through the grass to a spot where I feel safe. Im tangled in my blanket and Im becoming frustrated. A part of me is fighting the mushroom, trying to escape, Clawing for dear life. I feel almost immobilized I cant  move. I feel as if Im drowning and I question if I have fallen into the pond, so I reach for grass and I get two handfuls. I find relief in the grass, I feel grounded, so I hold on for dear life. Im in a different world now, a new dimension almost in some sort of trance. My eyes are open but I dont see anything of the world I know. I think to myself (Im dying and its okay. I think of my children and I miss them. I think of my brother who has passed away and I hear his voice. I feel God around me, not a Christian god, or a god of known religion. But a supreme being of the universe, suddenly My fear left and I felt peace, I felt acceptance. I forgave myself for the mistakes eI have made, for my failures, and my wrong doing.

     Jolt... Im stumbling about in the grass, Its dark, how did I get here? I have a strange feeling, I dont feel human. My forearms are curved, my legs are curved, and my feet seem rooted into the soil. I sit down and look into the sky, fireflies are zooming through the air, and stars are falling all around me. I look into the sky, I cant believe my eyes, I can see deeper than the sky, there is so much there, levels I never knew existed. I see the galaxy, its indescribable and deeper than my mind can comprehend. I question the Human race, why are we here? There is nothing else like us on earth, are we some sort of invader from somewhere else? In this moment I feel so small, like a spec of dust, but at the same time I feel so large. Not in the sense of my size but in the sense of the footprint one leaves on this planet. I begin to feel ashamed of myself and of human kind. I feel parasitic, like a tick. We take all we want, but give nothing in return. Im lost in my mind, but no longer in my body. Myself and I are watching the fire burn out. Suddenly Im blasted by the sound of coyotes yipping, sounding in my mind like hyaenas, simultaneously the stars blast from the sky all around me. Im overtaken with fear, a deep primal fear. I scramble to my tent, trying to claw my way inside, the hair all over my body is standing straight up. I feel as if I have  been blasted into survival mode. I finally make it in my tent, coyotes still yipping all around me. They are not far, less than 100 yards. My has fire burned out, my flashlight and pocket knife are outside my tent, and I feel vulnerable. I suddenly realize tbat I am not so big, I feel the power of nature all around me. I hear the bullfrogs belching from the pond, deep resonating vibrations in my ears. I hear things splashing in the pond, the coyotes are still near, I hear the owls in the distance. The world around me is alive, and I feel as if Im fighting for my life. 

     Some time passes, I dont know how long, minutes, hours? Time ceased to exist long ago. I need to build up my fire, if Im to find any sense of security. Somehow I find strength to face this primal fear. I leave my tent to recover my fire, I stumble over my flashlight and shine it into the fields and the woods. Eyes are everywhere watching me watch them. Again the hair on my neck stands up, and I feel anger. I yell at the top of my lungs in an attempt to intimidate my visitors. It seems that it did not phase them, but they ever so calmly turn and walk slowly off to the woods. at this time I build up my fire, Im coming down, Im feelings hungry, tired, and exhausted. I take some time to reflect on my night, rehydrate, and eat a granola bar. I begin to observe my once tidy and organized camp, its now wrecked, my blankets are in the grass, bottles of water everywhere, and wood scattered about. I clean up a bit and go to bed. Its time to nurture myself for the day, recover, and reflect.


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