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Asked for too much

DMT (enhanced leaf), Cocaine, and Alcohol

September 2019

Background: I was sitting around the campfire with some friends, high on coke and drunk on tequila. After some very interesting and enjoyable DMT trips that night, I wanted to find the answer to a biting question that peaked my interest. That is, how intense does the human experience get? Is there a limit to pain and happiness? This was what I wanted to know and so I asked myself this before smoking the DMT soaked mint leaves until smoking was no longer possible.

The Trip: I left the universe quick. However, I blacked out or forgot entirely what happened. That is, until I regained consciousness and heard the chants that usually sound in my head on DMT. I was staring at the fire and felt an indescribable wave of sympathy for every suffering creature that has fell victim to hate and fiery death. Then I felt like I was about to discover a profound truth but there was not enough time before the trip and the insight ebbed away. It shook me deep. I felt guilt for wanting to understand the limits of experience, without experiencing them myself. It was very humbling indeed.

My Thoughts: I think the backlash I received was fitting for the hubris and carelessness I showed that evening. I learned that I do not need to "suffer into truth", as Aeschylus' Chorus says in Agamemnon. Or at least, I did not need to fully understand the deeps to know that there is suffering in the world that can be alleviated through good intentions. Much of this experience was hard to articulate because I remember nothing of the peak. It could have been much more therapeutic and beneficial if I did not drink and snort coke, and if the trip was longer. This was indeed the most powerful trip that I don't remember.

Feel free to interpret however you will. I am still pretty baffled by it.

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