So this was my third somewhat big trip. I was in need of another ego death experience, and I was very frustrated that my last trip failed to get me deep enough. So this time, I took 5 grams...waited an hour and a half, and when I still wasn't going "In" I ate about another 3 grams for what I believe was a total of about 8 grams of mushrooms I grew myself. That is an important part of this.
I started out attempting to listen to meditation music, because in the past, it was the music that allowed my mind to drift into that mushroom world of learning. But after a while, I decided to try turning the music off, and just listen to the window A/C unit. Well almost as soon as I turned the music off, the air conditioner started to sing and speak to me. The sounds it made became a language which my consciousness somehow recognized as the language of "energy". My brain became wildly active with this new super complex language that I somehow was able to comprehend and understand that it was indeed the language of all energy. And therefore I was able to converse with all things. From televisions, to trees, to animals, to rocks, to doors.
When I began communicating with the air conditioner with this new energetic language, all of a sudden I was transported into the electrical outlet and from there through all of the power lines throughout the entire world, and therefore was able to enter any building, room, electrical device I desired to enter. And when I would enter them, this language would become louder and of higher frequency in my mind. This new energetic language was clearly behind absolutely everything. It was what controlled the function of the movement of all atoms, and therefore by knowing this language, I was able to manipulate ANYTHING I desired. Including going within my own body and healing things. And when I would go to heal something in my body, this language would get super intense as if to indicate that the more complex the healing, the more energy, and more complexity to these words of this language which carried so much meaning than simply language. One word had the power to convey many complex meanings. One complex word had the ability to manipulate atoms and molecules to where simply speaking this energetic language had the ability to heal.
During my trip, if I would go near any electronic device, this language would intensify in my mind, and I was able to learn from that device everything it had absorbed from everyone and everything it had been around throughout the course of it's life. Like if it was a cell phone, I instantly took on the entire life experience and knowledge of the person who owned and carried that cell phone.
One of the wildest things that happens to me during these type of trips is the ability to live hundreds or thousands of life times within the short span of the trip. Which does not make any logical sense as far as we comprehend time. Time becomes non-linear for me during these trips, and I wake up literally feeling as if I just came back from hundreds and hundreds of years living many different peoples lives. I mean.....to explain.....I will suddenly find myself in the body of a child. I will live that child's entire life including every experience from birthdays, to brushing their teeth every night, to going to school, to simple interactions with their family members as if I am that person living that life. And I quite literally feel as if I lived their entire life, and therefore wake up having experienced everything that person has experienced in life. And as soon as I am done with that persons life, I experience living an entire other persons life. I even served 30 year prison sentences, experiencing the feeling that I was actually in prison for years and years. It does not make any logical or rational sense given our worlds understanding of time, that a person would be able to gain the experience of having lived so many different lives, within the 2 hours or so that I was tripping so hard. But I kid you not, I came to, having memories of having lived entire lifetimes in someone elese's existence. A few weeks ago, I was a long dark haired young woman that lived in Lima Peru with her family. I came to having memories of living her entire life, and it felt as if it was actually one of my past lives, and that possibly rather than living her entire life in that moment, I was instead maybe given access to those memories which made it feel as though I had just relived her/my past entire life.
I have managed to keep myself aware the entire time that it is the mushrooms causing this effect, and therefore I was able to really "test" it and throw different ideas out there while I was deep in it. And I was very much lucid and able to go wherever I desired to go and was able to manipulate molecularly anything I desired. I recognized that I was pure consciousness and pure energy and was most certainly NOT confined to my physical body. In fact I was well aware of the fact that I was outside of my body, and for a while I was convinced that I could actually be dead, and that siren I hear in the background is the sound of the siren on the ambulance transporting me to the hospital. But I did not care. I was experiencing the equivalent of a non-stop orgasm as I laid there having all of these visuals, and hearing this beautiful language going constantly in my head. Then I recognized that for all I knew, my physical body may be in a mental hospital right now, and this may very well be what it feels like to have completely mentally lost it. I thought maybe I took so many mushrooms that it sent me into this state, and now I am here forever, and my body is in the mental hospital and my poor wife and daughter are left all alone. However, even though I had those feelings, at the same time I was able to continuously remain aware that this is the mushrooms doing therapy for you, and your wife and daughter are fine, you are fine, your body is still laying safely in your bed. For a while I was convinced that this incredible feeling of peace and calm and happiness, hearing this language constantly and living all of these different experiences was actually what it felt like to be dead. And in that moment I realized that being dead is one of the greatest things in the world if that's really what it's like to be pure consciousness and one with energy. And therefore I did not care if I was dead. Even though I knew I wasn't. It's so weird and amazing!!!
I did not converse with any entities like many people do......because I was the entity. I had a realization that there was no one, and no thing of higher intelligence than me at that moment. I became literally no one, in no time, in no place. So much that for a while, I had the perception that I was in total darkness of space, and that I was EVERYTHING. I was every single organism, every energetic force, every emotion.....literally I was EVERYTHING. And therefore there was nothing I could not do, nothing I did not know. For a while, I found myself perceiving Earth as a tiny spec in this vast field of darkness. And I had the understanding that that tiny spec is where my physical body currently is. And here I am speaking fluently in this super sophisticated new energetic language, and realizing that I am EVERYTHING, and I sat there wondering how in the world am I ever going to be able to dumb myself down enough to be able to converse with the people on earth again. How am I ever going to be able to reduce myself down to such an insignificant existence again, and dumb my language down so much that I will be able to talk to my wife or anyone else ever again? It was truly a serious concern of mine. I was looking at the tiny little earth over there, and realizing that it is going to be such an incredible disservice to myself, to have to forget all of this knowledge any information, just so I can live a somewhat normal life among the "humans" on that tiny spec that I know I have to go back to when the mushrooms wear off.
When I was in that state, where I was everything while at the same time being no one, in no place, in no time as Dr. Joe Dispenza puts it referring to meditation and getting into that state, I literally had a perfect knowledge of all things, including how to heal my own, as well as other peoples bodies by use of this energetic language which was the mushrooms way of teaching me that the power to heal and manipulate energy resides within us all, but we have to learn how to speak the language. Some people are naturally prone to be energy sensitive, while others due to life experiences and things, tend to feel "nothing" most of the time. I have always been one of those people. So this mushroom trip, I feel was the mushrooms way of teaching me that I absolutely do have access to this energy, and can "feel" it and use it to my advantage, but I just had to have it shown to me in a way that I could comprehend.
I am a post-op transwoman. Meaning I had a team of surgeons cut my penis off and turn it into a vagina. At least as close to a vagina as surgery can accomplish. I have dealt with a lot of weird nerve pain in that area of my body ever since. Nerve pain that was very distracting and unpleasurable. Well during my trip, while I had access to this energetic language and the perfect knowledge that I was pure energy and therefore had the ability to heal anything I desired......I decided to focus on that part of my body, and focused my energy on one specific spot that has been giving me a lot of nerve pain everytime I touch it. The pain has not been there since the trip.
My wife and I have issues getting along at times. I use the trips to process my own childhood traumas that cause relationship issues between us. I was neglected a lot as a kid. I did not realize it at the time, but being married now a lot of issues have come up that are clearly caused by childhood traumas and neglect. Well what the mushrooms do for me, is for one they allow me to remember the traumas and therefore recognize where the current emotion or response is coming from. The other thing they do for me, is show me that my past experience is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, that I no longer have to be inhibited based on past experiences. The mushrooms help me to see that while my life experiences did form me the way I am, I do not have to remain in that rut. My fears and anxieties surrounding certain things in life, I am able to recognize their true origins, and therefore not be affected in the same way by things that normally would trigger me to get upset about something. I take everything as it comes and am able to see people where they're at without judgement. If someone has an opinion about something that differs from my own, I am able to completely not let it affect me because I am able to recognize that that person has that opinion based on their own personal life experience which is far different than mine, and therefore I cannot justifiable "Judge" that person for having that opinion. They have it simply based off of their available knowledge and information. It is incredible to be able to keep my mind and heart in that place and just experience unconditional love for all of my fellow humans.
As I start to come down from my trips, I have learned that I HUGE key to integration and moving the negative parts of the trip out of my body, are movement. Lots and lots of movement. So I put my good wireless headphones on, I put on my favorite dance music, and I go in our backyard and I just dance my heart out for the next couple hours as the psilocybin works its way out of my body and I come down. If I don't do this extremely important part, my body gets this really depressed feeling after the trip. Whereas after dancing it out for a while and really getting a lot of purely care free dance where I don't worry about anybody watching me, and don't worry about any judgement, I become one with the music and let myself move in ways I never have before. And after doing this, I am feeling super happy and good about life, and am able to then go to bed and sleep really good whereas normally after a big trip, if I do not incorporate the movement at the end, I have an extremely hard time sleeping, and end up with a terrible headache the entire next day.
The other super fascinating thing about this trip. As I said, I tripped on mushrooms I grew myself. Now this particular flush of mushrooms was my very first monotub. They were Amazonian, and because I did not use nearly enough spawn in the substrate, the substrate was super slow to colonize, and then only produced a total of 17 dried grams in the end. But the interesting thing is.......during my trip, I also experienced the entire life and emotions of the mushrooms. I had a lot of expectations of them. And they could sense that from me. And therefore they grew up with this sense of trying to please me. Knowing that I expected them to grow and was getting irritated that they weren't growing faster. So during my trip I was able to truly empathize and feel the poor mushrooms emotions as they looked up at me and said "I'm sorry Mom, we are really trying. Please don't get disappointed in us." Eating mushrooms I cultivated myself, caused me to experience everything those poor mushrooms experienced. At one time I was taking a spore print from one of the caps, and had it on my desk the entire time. So that mushroom cap was sitting there absorbing my energy as I worked all day, and that energy then went into me when I ate that particular mushroom cap. It was so crazy! But I guarantee you from now on, I will be treating all of my mushrooms with a kind caring, motherly love as they grow.
So yeah...there was so much more to this trip....I mean, obviously a person can't live the lives of hundreds of different people and explore the entire planet via the electrical lines and things, and possibly type out everything learned. But this was one hell of a wild trip! About 8 grams dry total, and I feel like I have access to empathy again, and am able to see people for where they are and not judge again. I love it! Last time this feeling lasted an entire month before I needed another big mushroom trip again. So hopefully I will be able to maintain this for at least a month again. But when I am ready again, I will hopefully have a whole bunch more very well loved and cared for mushrooms to consume.