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I realized I was conceived during a rape
Is it possible to contain a memory the moment you were conceived?
I am adopted and no nothing about my biological parents except what I was able to find through ancestry.com. I found the name and a cousin sent me a picture of my biological father. My biological father was "shot and killed" (I assume suicide because I was as unable to find details) at the age of 21.
I have always suffered from depression, lack of meaning, lack of purpose. I have tried everything for my depression including psychedelics, which have been very helpful for me.
So I decided to listened to Mkenna's advice and took 7grams in my room in complete darkness and got as comfortable as possible. I went into the trip with the intention of finding out what is so wrong with me? Why do I feel this way no matter what I try? What was the truth I was missing?
It took longer than usual for them to kick in, just over an hour. It was more like a dmt trip than a mushroom trip. It came on strong all at once. I felt the sensation of dying and I had no body, ego death, all that stuff but I was observing something and it felt like a memory. I seemed to just appear and here I was, like I fly on the wall, watching an event unfold. There was a green feminine entity (same one I believed I experienced on another trip but with dmt). She was presented again like this greenish opaque spirit. I could feel what she was and what she felt. She was very caring, feelings of unconditional love, like a mother. Then appeared a reddish entity, but this time a masculine entity. The masculine entity invaded the feminine entity. I felt the sensation of being violated, almost raped. I saw the masculine entity had planted a seed just before the feminine entity could whisk it away. When this was happening the feelings were so horrible, atrocious and negative. But the feminine entity embraced the seed that was planted. She put love and all those emotions I was feeling through her into that seed. I was the seed. I suddenly sprung up in bed. Feelings of violent conviction that I witnessed my own birth and that I am a result of a rape. It just seemed like it made sense. It has never been an idea I have ever thought of before but it seemed like the truth was violently shown to me. It was like the truth was wired into me without words or thoughts.
Then I sprung back to this reality and was laughing and crying at the same time. It was like I was feeling the opposite of the depression that I've suffered for so many years. I had feelings of being assured I have a purpose or I was sent here for something. I bathed in these positive emotions until the trip ended. But the trip shook my whole view on my existence, again.
Has anybody experienced anything similar having to do with memories? I do not know if I am 100% conceived from a rape but I will now do what I can to find if it's true.
Days leading up to the trip I made it a plan to seek out the synchronizations as I have never done this as I've considered myself an atheist until now. There were so many it was not coincidence. It was like this trip was supposed to unfold just how it did.
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