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Wonderful Paradoxical Experience

One Hit Off of a 50mg DMT Pack



Preface:

My previous DMT trip was a failure - I fell asleep during/after the trip, and hardly remembered any of it, like a dream that didn't get loaded into memory. I had attempted to take 50mg, but as it turns out, 15mg worth of freebase oil stuck to the spoon I was using to load my machine with (I scraped it off tonight and weighed it for later use), so it also wasn't even a full dose. I've been wanting to take a proper 50mg dose, and I had decided to do it tonight. As the time drew nearer and nearer, I started getting more and more anxious. I didn't actually take elaborate steps to mentally prepare for the trip, but I have been wanting to dive in, so I decided to go through with it.

That is, until I was sitting on the couch, holding the machine and lighter. Then I started coming up with all manner of excuses not to do it right now (one being the legitimate lack of preparation). But I summoned the wisdom of Kevin McCallister from Home Alone: "This is it. Don't get scared now." My palms were sweaty, and I noticed, and thought "Fuck, I don't want to head into a trip thinking Eminem lyrics." I wrestled with my fear for a total of about 15-20 minutes, but eventually sat upright, struck the lighter, and pulled. I pulled a nice big toke, inhaled it, and held it for a 12-count. My intention had been to vape the whole dose and take it all in and hold it for as long as possible, but I changed my mind and just started with that good-sized hit. I blew it out and could definitely feel the onset coming. I began to trip, and thought (all withing about one second) "I've had a lot of anxiety about this, and I'm sure this will be a good trip already. I think it's best to stop now. I know you're supposed to keep hitting it after you get this feeling, but I am almost a total DMT noob and I think it wise to just ride this one out from here." So I sat the machine down, lay back and relaxed with a smile on my face.

Trip Report:

Non-memorable kaleidoscopic patterns emerged in my mind. I saw a wall of red/orange punctuated by a grid of pinkish dots. I don't think I could see it clearly - it's been a recurrent aspect of my trips that my visuals seem distant and not in clear focus (or maybe I just can't remember them well). I would not characterize what happened next as a breakthrough, but it was a very cool, trippy experience. It was like taking a 5-minute slice out of the peak of a 4g mushroom trip and amplifying it with intense geometric pattern visuals. I began to receive this meta-understanding of existence, and briefly went into a thought-morphing sequence. Time ceased to exist, and I realized that it was impossible to carry any idea to completion (a familiar trip notion). Also, I realized that it's impossible to pee - I've had to pee before while tripping on shrooms, but understood that there was this sort of futility in peeing, and that there was no use even trying. But I digress - anyway, around this point, I got the notion in the back of my mind that I am a person, and I was tempted to open my eyes, get up off the couch, and abandon the trip, but then I thought "Dude, why are you trying to leave, you just got here?" I started hearing an echo of a single phrase from my own thoughts, over and over: "Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. I knew I needed to let go of myself if I wanted to break through, and interestingly, what I let go of was the phrase "Let go." I stopped repeating it, stopped concerning myself with it, and in doing so, I suppose I actually did let go. I saw some new tall geometric shapes, and experienced more paradoxes. Being hot and cold at the same time. Seeing a figure right in front of my face but not being able to reach it. I giggled and asked my wife if she was in earshot, but got no response. I briefly opened my eyes and saw the dimly-lit room come alive with a warm sepia tone on everything.

I closed my eyes again. More trippiness ensued, but I can't remember much more. I saw what appeared to be a wheelbarrow with colorful clothes-hangers upside down on the bottom. It tipped sideways and got stuck, which I took as a sign that my trip was petering out. I thought of several things, including my teeth. That made me think of my dentist, who seems like a really cool guy. In the last moments of my trip, I decided to ask him if he wants to hang out sometime (I've considered asking several times in the past). I came out of the trip and sent him a message.

Conclusion:

This trip seemed like an entirely positive experience, with moments of uncertain (but still somehow positive) neutrality. It would be hard to categorize the trip in the "tiers" or "levels" of DMT experiences that I've read about - I'd say that it definitely wasn't a breakthrough, but it was perfect exactly like it was (it kind of gave me the notion that chasing a "breakthrough" is a fool's errand, and I should accept whatever I'm shown and not try to put a label on it. I feel like I could actually smoke more DMT tonight, but I'd like to respect it and build up to it again, for a more meaningful experience next time. I think it was a wise choice not to take a second hit this time, but I definitely want to go deeper in the future (that'll certainly take guts). Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll try it again. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

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