My first trip [3.5g brazilian cubensis]

This report includes references to suicide, self harm, poor mental health and the trip was a challenging experience. It is not a report of a bad time despite such topics being involved - briefly.

Woke pre-11 (shift start), maybe 9-ish?

Strong feelings of anxiety & aversion to new work. Struggle with go or not go. Decide to not go. Decide to not go was actually to quit. Quit. This is a positive move and one of the most decisive things I've done lately.

4.30pm

1.3 grams eaten. Doesn't taste bad nor that great, needs washing down. Had smoked a joint by this point.

6.30pm

Remaining mushrooms eaten, 2.2 grams max, possibly less. Between the 1.3 and this I've smoked another 2 joints. After eating this I smoke one more, my last. Up until eating the remaining mushrooms lots of uncertainty, is it working how will I know etc.

7pm-7.15pm

It's working. From here on I don't remember everything chronologically and accurately but I began to feel different. Not very visually intense initially though this does change but the majoirty of the trip was in my mind's eye as opposed to what I could actually see. I wouldn't feel close to sober again until 12.45am, 8 hours after I first ingested mushrooms and 6 after I redosed.

I'd check my watch regularly and either an hour would have passed or barely any time at all. I remember seeing a lot of times where it was half past which anchored me to the experience slightly as I could tell when I'd eaten, how long it had been and how much longer it was likely to be. When it was only 10-ish minutes that had passed when I checked my watch it had felt like it had been longer not due to a distortion of my perception of time (beyond normal anyway) but just that I experienced a lot in a short period of time and it was a wholly new thing to me.

I felt a sense of euphoria set in quite quickly as in I had a sense of knowing myself, having immediately gotten exactly what I was trying to tell myself. I actually very quickly wanted the experience to be over, partially because I felt like I'd learned so much so quickly so what more was there but partly due to fear. This trip wasn't a happy fun time and I'd say a good 80% was challenging to me, at times scarily and at other times neutrally.

Thoughts:

* Increased surface area

I had brief flashes of images in my head akin to the small intestines' villi and that's how my trip felt, like time from the past, present and future was bundled up and compressed into this apparently smaller period of time as a singular experience.

* Walking on time

Vague memory of seeing disembodied boots "stood" all around in a weird way I can't quite describe. Unsure what they were standing on or what was going on there exactly but I remember it.

* Who cares about God, I am here & I am now

Didn't dwell on this much or for long when I did. It felt intrinsically known to me as an atheist but also an individual with agency. What does God, the concept or God/s or any of that shit matter. I'm right here and I'm right now, that's all that matters for my existence. What my existence is like is up to me, beyond outside influence but I don't see God as an inside or outside influence but as unnecessary to me. However like Dennis from IASIP I do have a "god" hole but it isn't a spiritual or religious thing that I lack but a greater meaning in my life.

* I'd been let in on a secret.

What it is exactly I can't remember but I strongly remember the feeling/thought that I was kinda privileged as I'd come to a greater understanding of myself, my life, my universe. I say my not as an ego-centric thing but more that I'd never apply anything I write here to others. Others may relate but this was my personal experience and I'll never assume it applies to anybody other than myself - though it could.

* I've learned so much and it isn't over

A friend who I had rung and texted asked me how the universe was. This was what I said to them and the last communication I had with anybody during the experience. And I was right, I did learn a lot and it was not yet over. I took that beyond the trip, it hadn't ended but it didn't even start that day and it wouldn't end that day either as I knew I would take what I learned forward with me in my life. It hadn't started that day as I have long had a curiosity about entheogens but in a very childish and uninformed way. However as the possibility of me trying such substances became a stronger reality I really dove into investigating what they were all about and how it could be for me. This research took me beyond just the effects of the fungi into some soul-searching inquisition with a focus on my philosophy of life and MY life.

* I have value / a piece of the divine

Inspired by Dr Peterson's biblical talks. He's spoken about the phenomenon of humans' repeated theme of there being something special or "other" about each and every one of us. That this powerful idea is from way before Christianity and to credit it to any one group seems pointless as it appears to be a basic human tenant. As somebody who has been through numerous bouts of depression with consistent self-image problems, one such feeling toward myself was a lack of worth. I had(!) no self worth, no feeling that *I* had sanctity of life and that my being was inherently special. I feel closer to having self-worth now than I have in a long time.

* I've lost/lost sight of who I am in actuality and I need to re-discover the bits that make up me but also to go out and create more OF me, part of it is a lack of my sense of self that I've lost and part of it is that my "self" wasn't fully formed anyway so I need to work on also building who I am. During my trip I experienced a form of ego-death but it was different to what I had expected yet exactly what I expected, this being influenced by the recent realisation that I have in some ways embodied ego-death in a very real-life and visceral way.

* Indecisive - choose my experience of life

Linked to my sense of self I'm too passive. I'm too go with the flow, too agreeable. I want to take charge of myself and the situations that present themselves as opposed to being passive, uncaring about life and my experience of it. I'm too dominated by feelings of fear and a lack of drive and discipline.

* Boundaries - how I interact with others and how I allow others to interact with me.

I had varied responses from my texts and calls.

- One person i rang by mistake and thought I cancelled it quickly enough but I got rung by them later. They didn't know who I was until I said my name (they still needed a second) and were eager to end the call. I'd met this person a handful of times before via other people and I still decided to highly share that I was on shrooms. I overshare and this is a problem for me when sober too.

- Another person I called was unwilling to hang out. Which would be fine if their reason wasn't literally "oh well X just got here and we're rolling..." and I felt a great deal of disappointment. From this person I learned that I can't expect to be able to rely on others but also to choose who I associate with as their reason given for why was weak. It felt like actually this person isn't really my friend and they aren't. So while I can't expect others to just drop what they're doing for me it is telling to me why he didn't want to come as either being truthful so they're lazy and uncaring or deceit so they're lying to me about why they wouldn't come and actually they just don't wanna.

- Before that I'd actually run another person from the same house but with no reply, as usual. They don't reply to texts or pick up the phone or contact you back if you tried to contact them. However in person is very friendly, will hug you, be nice etc etc. Well again, I can't just expect them to be ready for me always or to drop what they're doing and see me if I wish it. That said it was a reminder that this is their M.O. generally and that isn't the M.O. of a good friend, a friend at all even.

- A closer real friend that I rang was at work. When they replied they weren't willing to appease my desire for company but instead waxed philosophical a bit. Their messages did calm me slightly, more so their second one, though I had a strong sense of abandonment. I said directly that I could use some company and that I felt lonely which as a man was hard to say and as myself was even harder to say as I have a tenuous grasp on my emotions. This I put under boundaries still since ESPECIALLY people who are more legitimately my friend are people with whom I must have proper and respected boundaries. An aside was recently I felt like I had annoyed them and was unsure of the status of our relationship to eachother, a common feeling for me with my low-no self esteem.. I bear them no ill feelings now for not coming, I'm an adult and should take care of myself.

- Heavily indented as this is different to the others: I rang my mother. I've struggled through life with my mum being my primary parent despite having 3 others. Our relationship has evolved over the years and still is. Right now we've never had a more close and mutual-understanding like bond. I ran her as I rang the others, scared and desperately grasping for who I was. I confessed to her what I had taken, despite her negative impressions of any kind of illegal drug. I confessed to her that I felt lonely, that I wanted to talk to her and have a fun conversation. Now our conversation exactly isn't that important, nothing much memorable was said but the fact that I rang her, was open about what I had eaten and what I was feeling.

Feelings emotionally:

Unsureness and slight impaitence after my first dose. Didn't take long for that to go after my redose!

The most positive part of the trip was towards the start when I had strong euphoric feelings as detailed above. I giggled at times and had a great feeling of understanding. What I understood was regarding the weeks of buildup to this moment (which itself was spur of the moment) and the conclusions I had been coming to. I felt vindicated in that parts of this were bang on the money.

However this didn't last forever or even particularly long as I began to freak out slightly. I felt connected to myself but here's the problem: I don't know who I am. Sober, that is. As a result I experienced strong feelings of loneliness, of disconnection from myself and from others and from LIFE. Between 8pm and 8.45pm I made a series of calls and texts for help from various people and had different responses. I wasn't afraid of having lost my sense of self at *that time*, I was absolutely petrified at the deeper connection to the feeling of I've lost my sense of self GENERALLY. Who I am, what I stand for, how my life has been, is and will be.

I also felt intensely lonely. It was a saturday night and I was alone taking drugs in my room. It was a saturday night and the people I knew where I live weren't interested in me. I have little to few people that I'm close to and essentially no friends, especially where I live - plus it doesn't help that I've been single for some years now (24 now, approx 18 when last real relationship ended). I felt very isolated though my housemate in the room over was on the phone all evening and she was loudly laughing and talking and such which was on the one hand annoying (as it always is) but on the other kinda helped me in this experience. I knew she was there and despite not knowing her well felt safe in that she would help me if I needed it. I nearly went to leave my room to go knock on her door, unsure what my plan was, but didn't in the end.

Several times I felt great fear as a result of intrusive horrific thoughts and visions in my mind's eye. I'd think about self harm, suicide but not what it would be like to feel self inflicted pain or to die but a very strong sense of fear OF these things. I also saw disturbing twists in what people were, somewhat demonic. Images of scissors, thorns, knives - usually with a linked concept (though not really imagined) of the potential for those things + me. Despite feeling quite scared I was also able to reassure myself. I knew what I had taken, how much and when which meant I was able to keep a cool head. I was in control. I also felt actually safer as a result of these feelings because the fact I was so scared! To me that seemed and seems to be a good thing that I had such a negative reaction.

Feelings physically:

While in my chair before I migrated fully to my bed I was quite disconcerted and even distressed at times with these new feelings. There was a disconnect between my sense of self and my body so I would see myself moving as opposed to intrinsically knowing I was moving, proprioception. My body felt very strange as if it was dissolving, particularly from the belly-button (not specifically that but yeah) down.

Before and as I moved to my bed I felt a great tiredness, I was yawning a lot and not in a small way. Over the course of the evening I would continue to feel tired and lethargic until I sobered up. It felt almost as if the trip itself was both draining my energy to achieve it but that I regained the energy at the end, as if I only spent it temporarily and I'd get it back and feel better for it. I'd only notice this during the times where I'd check my watch to see it was another hour gone or another 10 minutes gone (as talked about above) as outside of such moments I wasn't in the present moment (necessarily) but exploring time (to an extent) and myself.

In my bed I was at times restless but that was when I wasn't exploring but more in the moment which wasn't a bad thing but not a good thing. I noticed this most in my bed but also before I got into it but my hands running over my body almost felt like  my hands were merged with the skin on my body where they were, almost but not quite under the skin even. I also had confusing feelings around my clothes and the duvet as those things covering me felt like a part of me, to scratch my balls I had to pass the boundary that was my underwear and to get my hand under almost felt like peeling back a bit of myself though under the effects of anaesthesia - no pain and a lack (or increase??) in proprioception.

Visuals were part of reality, it was reality but distorted. I tried using my phone but my brain was struggling to handle what I was looking at. You know when the quality of video and images gets reduced as it's re-uploaded and compressed again and again? Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icruGcSsPp0

I was reminded slightly of the deep-fried meme sillyness.

This isn't wholly complete. I've missed things that will be forgotten and lost, it isn't necessarily a coherent telling of my experience but it's a telling and that'll have to be good enough.