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Beauty and Terror

My first eighth!

***mushrooms 2***

her = my girlfriend*

after having my first mushroom trip of 1.7g, i decided that i wanted to double that dose and take a full eighth. i searched for roughly 4 months with no luck, and finally found them through someone on my girlfriend's snapchat who she'd added but never talked to. we went up and bought them on a monday, but since i knew i'd want a couple days to reflect on the trip, i waited until friday night to eat them. 

i wanted the set and setting to be as good as i could get it, so i cleaned our bedroom real nice, bought some plants, blocked off the mirrors, and asked my girlfriend if i could have the room to myself. we also took our dog to her grandparents' house to avoid any loud interruptions, as my dog is very anxious and barks at everything. i had a zebra-pattern blanket hung up in the walkway so my girlfriend would be able to discreetly use the bathroom if necessary. once we were separated, i stripped down to only sweat shorts and smudged the room with white sage. (i also smudged the rest of the apartment prior to this). after smudging, i got a bowl of cannabis ready in case i needed some anxiety or nausea relief; i had read about how well the two substances mix for most people and how it can calm you down during a frightening experience - or calm an upset stomach. after the bowl was packed, i sat on the bed for 10-15 minutes with my eyes shut and tried to release my negative feelings from the day. i thought about my intentions, and what i hoped to gain from the trip, but i set no expectations. lastly, i "prayed" to the mushroom, because i knew this was going to be a self-guided experience; one that i couldnt control. it is said that the mushroom carries a great wisdom, or an awareness, even. whether it be true or not, i asked it to keep me safe and keep me calm. i asked it to show me what i needed to be shown and to help me release some spiritual toxins.

around 10:45pm i drank my concoction of blue machine (the naked drink) and mushrooms, all blended. there were still several large chunks floating around in it, but this drink was hard for me to make; i didnt want to waste more time trying to make it perfect. that said, i will more than likely not try this method a second time. 

when i took the first gulp, i held it in my mouth before swallowing so i wouldnt choke on any of the bigger mushroom pieces. the irony is that i almost threw it back up. it was probably the worst tasting thing ive ever consumed. it tasted like a blueberry smoothie with mud mixed into it. very earthy and also room temperature by the time i got to it. it took about 5 gulps to get it all down. afterward, i drank some of the original naked smoothie to chase the flavor down. i poked my head out to let my girlfriend know i had taken it, and got back in bed to wait. 

from the moment that i bought the mushrooms, all the way up until they were in my gut, i was dreading the inevitable discourtesy of my upstairs neighbor affecting the trip. nearly everyday, we have to listen to him stomping everywhere, talking to someone right outside our window, or worst of all, revving his loud ass car late at night. im all for cars, im a total gearhead, but nobody likes to hear that shit from their home at 11pm. anyway, as im laying in bed waiting for the come up, i hear mumbling. it sounds like two people, and i know without a doubt it was my neighbor and someone he had over, because i heard it through the ceiling. i had a fan blowing next to me on low, so i switched it to high hoping i could drown out some of the talking. barely worked, but it was better than nothing. 

after 20 minutes of waiting to see the textured ceiling start moving, i began to feel a little peculiar. it was very similar to the feeling you get when youre feeling faint. i felt it all throughout my body, but it was mild. at this point i started feeling kind of anxious, because i knew my dose was rather high (for me) and i didnt know what to expect in terms of visuals or sensations. i was already thinking "damn this feels a lot different from the last time". over the next 5-10 minutes, the peculiarity increased drastically. i started getting kinda freaked out, because of how faint i was feeling and how little i was seeing. also because i knew that this was going to happen whether i wanted it to or not. i stayed calm however, and told myself to not be afraid. in all honesty, the thought that i'd possibly eaten poisonous mushrooms crossed my mind, but i didnt let it stick. 

roughly 45 minutes in, im laying on the bed just absolutely astounded. the come up was all happening in a blur. one minute i was feeling mildly faint, the next, i'm in what feels like a totally different place. the lighting of the room combined with the effects gave me the impression i was in some kind of jungle temple of another dimension. or maybe even a pyramid? it was very egyptian-like in a way. i can see where they got some of their cultural inspiration. the walls were glowing yellowish gold and everything was bordered with a magenta and cyan hue. things were flying past me and around me and everything was warping and breathing. transparent walls would extend out and slam themselves into place, and these mirrored, indescribable faces and patterns filled my vision. i remember seeing these floating geometric constructs that would move side to side in front of me, then they'd slowly sink just like the floaters in your eyes, and i would just follow them right along until i caught myself staring downward and i'd snap myself out of it. it was so wild; i can't quite explain what it was like. 

50 minutes in, (these are estimates, i didnt keep track) i felt both in control and out of control of my body. i caught myself looking at the zebra blanket hanging in the walkway with my mouth agape a couple of times, for no apparent reason. and this wasnt like when you sleep with your mouth open, it was like, wide open, stretched as far as i could get it. my thoughts were getting jumbled - it was as if all i could do was just watch what was happening. 

my leg began twitching violently as i grew restless, like bending open and closed rapidly, and a loud, idk how to explain it, it was this loud sound in my head that scared me out of it. it was like the same kind of sound you hear as youre dozing off and you get shot awake by. like a train horn that goes from silent to blaring in only a second. i guess it was something like exploding head syndrome, which i've had. my point is, it scared me straight. i looked around thinking "okay, im sorry". as if i was being too childish and fidgety during this mind boggling experience. i whimpered to the mushroom, saying again "please keep me safe".

at this point, i believe, is when i started getting truly freaked out. everything was starting to be too much for me to handle. i was so out of it and i kept seeing the most bizzare visuals flying around the room and i also started feeling, enclosed? i thought about taking a few hits from the bowl i packed but i never ended up doing it. it was like something kept me from it. fear? distraction? intensity? to this day i am unsure. i started getting bad vibes from the room i was in so i got up and turned off the light leaving only my space projector on. this lamp shone blue and green stars everywhere in the room, but to my surprise, i felt even worse in this setting, so i stumbled (and i do mean stumbled) back to the light switch and flipped it on. after realizing the star lamp was throwing me off the most, i got out of bed a third time and turned it off. 

i felt so out of my mind, it was like my ego was being crushed or cracked open and i couldnt handle it, i couldnt face it. i frantically rolled all over the bed, drew the covers over me and then decided against it. i felt possesed in a way; i was contorting into strange positions and squirming everywhere. no, it didnt feel like a demon or anything of that nature. this i believe was my ego fighting to hold on. i found myself with one leg propped on the bed as i laid on the floor wanting everything to end. the plants i had bought were towering over me so i forced myself back onto the bed and closed my eyes hoping the CEVs would be less intimidating. wrong! it was at this very moment that my piece of shit neighbor started his car and redlined it for about 10 seconds. i fucking knew it would happen! are you shitting me?! i just heard "WHAAAAPAPAPAPA" as i was flying through these triangular pink, blue and white tunnels with everchanging faces at the end of it. it felt like these faces were actually aware of me, but they were not comforting in any aspect. i felt terrified and humiliated. it was as if the mushroom was mocking me and putting me through hell. this i can't say is true, but it was how i felt at the time. i kept hearing in my head "you wanted this" and i would just agree with it. i sat up in a cold sweat and tried to eat the banana next to me in hopes of diluting the psilocin. i gripped it firmly and tore the peel completely off like an ape. the first bite tasted fake and all i could really recognize was the texture. i let the piece in my mouth just fall out onto the floor and the banana just rolled out of my hand. i laid back down and another wave hit me. i cant remember what happened here, but i do remember seeing things i cant even reimagine or explain as i fought so hard to hold on.  

after the wave i started thinking about my girlfriend, i wanted her there. i tried multiple times to get up and go to the next room to get her but something kept stopping me. i would stand up, take a few steps, then get pulled back onto the bed. to be honest this was really fucking with me and i wanted all of it to be done. 

i finally broke free of the mysterious apprehension and stumbled through the zebra blanket. i hesitated between the blanket and the door before ripping it open. i called for her and she stood up immediately. she looked so weird but i knew it was her. i told her that i was terrified and that my experience was going very badly. i told her i didnt want to do this again and that i felt a very strong sense of regret. she said that she was literally about to get up and come check on me due to a bad gut feeling. she also told me everything was okay and that i didnt have to do this again; that its not for everyone. the funny thing is that i always tell HER that because she doesnt like to trip, and i wanted so badly for this type of experience to be something i could handle, considering my extensive research and strong interest in the subject.

i wanted to lay down, fast. i sprawled out on the bed we'd made for her on the living room floor and continued rolling about with a look of sheer terror on my face. the giant stuffed giraffe i bought her for valentines the year before was sitting behind me against the wall and peering at me with its massive shiny eyes. i put my head down and groaned, "get that fucking giraffe out of here" as i kicked my foot out at it. she turned it around and came back to comfort me.

the typical nauseous feeling i get while tripping started coming on strong and i was afraid i'd hurl. i told her to step away so she wouldnt see it but it never came. again, i thought about smoking that damn bowl but it never happened because i couldnt risk it. for about another 30 minutes i sat with her in the living room feeling embarrassed for my behavior and terrified of hearing voices or leaving my body.

for a brief moment i was alone while my girlfriend used the bathroom, and i sat in the fetal position as an unsettlingly familiar feeling washed over me that i could recall from all of my previous trips, and it was the strongest i had ever felt it. it was a feeling of innocence. a reminiscence of the time that most people cannot remember because they were too young. a reminiscence of who i was before i developed an ego: a baby. a reminiscence of the pure white light from whence i came. and as i sat there alone in the living room reliving those precious memories, i thought only of my mother, and how much i loved her. i wanted nothing more than to feel her warm embrace.  

suddenly the trip's intensity snapped back, pulling me out of that mindset, and i frantically changed positions countless times trying to calm myself, impatiently waiting for the come down, when the entire experience flipped a 180. 

we were sitting cross legged face to face when i looked at the floor and had an epiphany. not only had i just realized that i was still coming up before this moment and was only barely starting to peak, but i was starting to feel the oneness of the universe. i actually fucking felt it. i've always wondered what it felt like, and i can tell you it was absolutely indescribable. the realization hit me so hard and i was just mumbling to her as the thoughts flowed. "this is it! its all here!" i told her. im not sure what i meant by that but i felt like i was understanding how infinite the universe is, but i was only getting a small sample of it. i couldnt fully comprehend it due to still being grounded, but it was enough to blow my mind. what an ineffable experience. if that wasnt even a full merging with the cosmos, i cant even fathom it. i asked outloud "is this what God is?" thinking that God is likely not a he or a she, rather, a conscious energy that exists within everything, everywhere. suddenly i was filled with emotion. specifically love. not just the love i have for my family or my girlfriend, but an infinite, pervasive feeling of understanding and forgiveness. a feeling of totality. a feeling of wholeness and utmost completion. the feelings that flowed through my being began to deteriorate all of my built up negative energy and fear, and it was forcefully expelled from my body. i cried so hard. it was "like vomiting energy and sobbing simultaneously" i told my girlfriend. i remember being almost held to the ground because i was so vulnerable to the truth and to this experience, and i could feel its raw power taking over me in order to show me this wisdom and rid me of my pain. i was bent over and limply squirming as i thanked the mushroom. "thank you... thank you" i sobbed. it really stripped me to my core, and i felt so naked. "its kicking my ass babe!" i said feeling so bewildered and humbled. i started to laugh about it, but i dont know why i laughed. i was covered in tears, and snot was hanging from my face. i just kept laughing and crying as i wiped my face with a t shirt. whenever i would laugh i would see indistinct faces in my closed eye visuals laughing with me. the faces looked very similar to the shpongle album covers, but singular and more distorted. they also seemed aware of me like the ones before. 

i still had that feeling of being in control and out of control. the waves would come and go and i would be hit with the most intense, bizarre feelings and visuals and perform very strange actions. i specifically remember having growling fits 3 different times. i would bend over still cross legged and just growl like "YUUUGH, YUUUGH, YUUUGH" and then drag my arms in a wave like motion from side to side across the bed. i also remember speaking a strange language that puzzled my girlfriend. i was saying stuff like "morsh blokk rocclorm gazhdar heshnek" or something along the lines of that, all while posing in weird positions as i had earlier. this would be followed by more heartfelt moments and crying, and then i'd realize again how intense the experience was and say "wow. wow wow wowwwhooo hoo hoooooo". 

the rolling and flailing soon ended and i decided to lay next to my girlfriend and stare at the ceiling or whatever caught my eye. at this moment, i began to sink into the experience even more, and i felt very much relaxed, but in a rather eerie yet beautiful way. i felt like my hearing was being effected by the mushroom in a way that i only describe as hearing more clearly. what happened was the ringing in my ears completely stopped. not a ringing that was induced by the mushroom, but that normal, common ring that you hear when you're in a silent room. when it stopped, there was only... absolute peace. it was absolutely silent, but absolutely alive. i wasnt deafened, because i was explaining this to my girlfriend as it happened. it was scary, but beautiful. tripping really merges your emotions beyond explanation. after a brief moment, a very calm and subtle hum arose from the silence, and i knew... i was listening to the universe, i was just... listening to the entirety of existence, which is energy, consciousness. its hard to be certain of what it was, but this amazing opportunity quickly ended, then i turned my head and just smiled at her. 

another wave then hit, and i got up to lean over in a kneeling position from feeling nauseous, out of control, and from feeling another pull on my consciousness. i started rocking back and forth saying alternately, "dont throw up just dont throw up" and "i dont wanna go anywhere, im not ready". i couldnt face it, i was too scared. i wasnt scared that i wouldnt return, i was just scared of what the experience would hold for me. i'm sure everything wouldve been alright, and that my fear would've dissolved, but everything was too intense already and it was too hard to let go. 

the waves at this point were still hitting me, but they were gradually getting weaker, and i knew i was starting to come down. once i felt the nausea wear off, i felt more grounded and coherent, so i began describing everything to my girlfriend in clearer detail than before, especially the parts i was alone for. after 30 minutes, i realized how long i'd been talking, and we both decided to go to bed. the time was about 2:30am, but i didnt care, i was just glad to be back. 

all in all, the experience was incredible. terrifying no doubt, but i have no regrets. the more i think about what i was shown and what i felt, the more i understand how beautiful and powerful the experience was, and that the mushroom was likely not trying to induce fear; that it was simply taking me where i thought i wanted to go, but i was not nearly as ready as i thought. i should not have fought a self-guided trip like this one - i could've been much better off had i just surrendered. another attempt may happen down the road, but i still have some mild ptsd from the first half. until i truly feel that i will be able to face what i am shown and fully let go, i will abstain from tripping. 

thank you for reading!

p.s. - probably irrelevant, but speaking of shpongle, their song "divine moments of truth" has a vibe that strongly reminds me of my trip. give it a listen!

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