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The trip the universe wanted me to have.
Ego death, pure evil, overcoming anxiety and self-consciousness.
First time posting here, so here goes. It's probably a bit long so if it is I apologise.
I've tripped on shrooms a few times now and I believe I've reached levels 3 and 4 and my last one (level 4), was incredibly intense and I experienced some out of body stuff and loss of reality...
But that was nothing compared to this trip.
I've been curious about what level 5 would be like after visiting this site, but reading about the preparation and all the guides to help one go through it felt very serious and intense, so I never thought I would actually do it out of fear of a bad trip. I'm 25 and I've wondered if I could do it in my thirties, with a wife and children, if I could just leave them behind to take this trip. If I would be able or capable...
SO anyway, me and my two friends, who have also tripped a few times before, went camping. We love Tool (the band) and it's our go to music, especially for tripping. So we had a fire going and took the shrooms at about 8:30 and put some Tool on. One of my friends who I'll call R, took about 2 grams and felt the effects pretty quickly. The other guy, 'A', said he was only going to take a little bit and took about 1 gram since he'd had an intense trip recently. I also took 2 grams, but probably due to a very filling dinner just prior, I didn't feel the effects (immediately).
So we're getting about an 1-1.5 hours into it and R is laughing and feeling it quite a bit and starting to see visuals, A is just enjoying it but feeling it. I'm not though, and I have the urge to take more. So, I take another one. The music is still playing and suddenly I feel it start to kick in. Me and R are now around the same level and it feels fucking awesome. I remember staring into the fire at one point and feeling like this evil energy was saying to me 'I'll be waiting her for you." It felt oddly significant, but I brushed it off quickly. 'A' is starting to feel like he's missing out so he takes another. Soon enough we're all on somewhat of the same level and it is beautiful. Only positive experiences. We're each trying to help each other out by giving each other incredible experiences and we all know this is the best trip we've ever had. Standing around the fire, Tool, dancing, tripping... pure bliss. 'A' discovers that eating mandarins is incredible and we each have a handful, timing it to epic parts of songs so it's more intense.
At this point I feel like it's the peak - I have very vivid hallucinations, see God in various forms, sit down and get lost in the stars and see geometric patterns and see the sky as a thin, malleable fabric. Then I feel the need to get back up, but this whole time I have this feeling of... what if I just take one more. What could I see... experience... I felt like something deep inside was telling me to take one more. So I do, and so do the others. I have this urge to find the biggest shroom in the bag and I find it and it's huge. I take it like it was meant to be. Soon after, around the fire, I'm told to close my eyes and 'A' gives me a slice of apple and it absolutely blows my mind and sends me to space. We each start eating slices of apple and it's hilarious and intense and amazing.
At this point it's still incredible and we're all having the best time ever. Only positive energy. I'm constantly trying to figure out when the shroom will hit, going by the number of songs that have passed, but obviously time is so distorted it is difficult to think about. At some point, not exactly sure when, but A started getting naked and saying the heat felt incredible on his body, so I lift up my jackets and it feels beautiful, but then I have this desire to get naked too. For my teen and adult life, I've been self-conscious about my penis size like I think a lot of men do, and I've never have been naked in front of my friends. Only 'A' has in front of us when he gets drunk. So, I pull my pants down, but cup my genitals so they're hidden from view, but the heat feels amazing. I walk around the campsite naked for a bit and then come back, still cupping my genitals. 'A' has his pants back on again, but then i have this feeling that this trip is teaching me to let go of this fear/self-consciousness. So I remove my hands and I'm sure my friends saw, but whenever I looked, they were just in their own world, which made me even more comfortable and before long I was dancing with my pants down around the fire for the rest of the song, aptly named 'eulogy' and by the end it felt like the death of that part of me, that fear that I had now overcome.
Not sure when, but sometime after that, I had this urge inside me, this idea that I needed to take one more, imagining how good it would be, imagining what I would be able to see and feel. Like the universe was telling me that I needed to take this last shroom. That i only needed one more and I'd be done, like it was my destiny. So I took another smaller one and that was it. Later on, during the 'comedown' I realised that I had been chasing this level from early on in my tripping life but didn't know I wanted to get there until this trip. This experience was meant for me to have now, so I could get it out of the way and not need to have it anymore in the future when I have more responsibilities.
So I have the last shroom and it's still going really well. We're all enjoying it and doing weird shit and it's great.
At some point during the second last song we played for the night, I was having this feeling like my body was collapsing. I would feel my face it would feel like I could push parts of my face in and break it. Then suddenly, (and this is the best way I can describe it), I felt my whole body collapse in on itself, bit by bit, until it was just a thin, compressed black area and then it felt like it/I imploded, and then suddenly these enormous horizontal waves of colour were hurtling towards me, through me and they kept coming and coming until it annihilated every atom in my body and I literally ceased to exist. Not sure for how long, but it felt like I was a part of the universe. I didn't have a body, and I was just consciousness and energy and I understood later what Alan Watts said about being one with the universe and being the same as a table, or an animal or another person, and also what he says about humans that we as humans are just the universe being aware of itself through different perspectives. I later on realised that what happened to me was like a Supernova. Imploding and then exploding, and then becoming a black hole (when the trip turned dark) and the universe was desperately tying to be aware of itself again and chose me as its portal in which to show it, which is why I felt that urge to take more mushrooms. It felt like the universe needed to know it existed and to know what it was. So I was the universe being aware of how it creates Supanovas and in turn, how itself was created through a big bang. It felt like my whole existence was leading up to this trip. That everything had happened so I could have this experience.
At some point I came back to 'reality' - I think I remember being pieced back together but not sure... and then the last song 'Third Eye' started, which always seems to mess with us when really tripping hard. I went off and came back and then it suddenly happened. It turned real dark, real quick. The others I think were feeling something similar and it seemed to go back for them too. It must've been this particular part of the song, about halfway through. They said they wanted to go to bed.
I felt the intense feeling of coming up too hard, like the last mushroom had just kicked in, and I stumbled over to the car, and then fell to the floor. I begged them to turn off the music, like my life depended on it. I was laying on the ground while they were packing up, and I was clinging to the dirt and the earth trying to stay with reality. Then it rained and felt like a cleansing. It felt so beautiful, and like it was meant to be, that we had this intense heat and fire, and went through all this stuff and now I was being cleansed so I could come out the other side, like a rebirth. But it wasn't over yet. I was intent on staying outside for a while in the rain, but the others wouldn't let me. So I somehow made it back to my tent and this is where it becomes the darkest moment of my life.
I was in a tent with R and A went to sleep in his own tent. R fell asleep pretty much immediately and I was left to my thoughts. It was then that I realised I wasn't in my body still. I was outside of it. I quickly went for the torch handing in the tent and turned it on, because the darkness was scaring me. Even though I turned the torch on and could see, and could feel it, I wasn't in my body. I felt like I was blind in my body, and I what I was seeing was just me trapped inside my mind. I was shining the light around, looking at R asleep, but it all felt like I wasn't really seeing it somehow. I then lay back down after a while and started convulsing. I've died before during trips, but they always felt good because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel afterwards. This felt different, like my physical body would die, like I could actually die, literally. I suddenly regretted taking too many shrooms and felt that this was a lesson that the universe was teaching me. I remember thinking that this is what I deserved. I thought about never seeing my family and friends again because I was trapped inside my mind/the universe and my body was going to die, or that I was just going to be blind and trapped inside my mind and even though they could see me, I couldn't see them or interact with them, or something. I called out to A in the other tent and told him I wasn't doing well, he said it would pass and not to worry, but I couldn't help it, I thought this was never going to end, that I was actually never going to come out of this, and how disappointed it would be to die from too many shrooms to exist like this forever, and then felt what it was like to be trapped inside my mind for eternity and to never die and to just be inside this 'mind' without a body forever and it was the most pure evil I had ever felt or experienced. It was absolutely horrific. I realised how peaceful death is and how much I would much rather die than life forever, even if there was a heaven. I would much rather die. And then I remembered the fire saying "I'll be waiting for you" and realised this is what it meant.
I was still convulsing every few moments so I got A to come out of the tent to help me out. He gave me water and food and we chatted for about 1.5 hours, but I wasn't in my body still, although I was having little moments of reality. I told him all about it and this is when I overcame another part of me that I didn't like. Since I can remember, as a teen until only last year I think, I had dry mouth symptoms and had bad breath. It was extremely embarrassing and I was afraid to talk to people up close. So last year i talked to my GP about it and she gave me these pills and I was cured. It was amazing but since then I've been almost OCD about cleaning my hands and what I put in my mouth. But when I was lying with my top half outside the tent and digging my hands into the dirt to try and feel reality again, I realised that I had been eating with very dirty hands and all of a sudden I didn't care anymore and since then I've lost the OCD habits.
Anyway, 'A' went to bed and I calmed down and still travelled for a while until I woke up.
This experience felt like a lesson. It taught me about consequences and cherishing every moment. The idea of being trapped inside my mind, or being conscious forever is extremely scary and I have come out of it with this determination to cherish every moment of the reality that I've been given because I've experienced the alternative, the non-reality and being conscious in it, and because I know I will die and that's what I want. I don't want to live forever so I need to enjoy what I have now and what we call life. I learned that there can't be good without bad and the highest highs have the lowest lows. The ying/yang of the universe. And even though there's so much bad in the world, without the bad, the good wouldn't exist. I just need to embrace that this is how the universe is and will always be. I'm glad it happened this way, and that I didn't prepare because I don't know that I would have done it if I was to prepare for it. It felt really natural the way it happened.
It's only been a few days but I still feel like I'm seeing reality from a different perspective, behind my eyes or out of my body perhaps, and feels like I have lost a part of myself to the universe, but when I close my eyes, the random blurry colours feel more vivid and it feels like maybe that part I lost is now in the universe somewhere and every time I close my eyes I'm connecting back to it so I can be comforted by the fact that I am the universe and it is me.
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