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2nd time I did shrooms... (2.5 gs)

ego death... split personality?

Hi all. First post here. So, I was on Reddit and I ended up telling the story of the 2nd time I did shrooms because I was actually trying to convince a guy that shrooms trips can be pretty bad (from experience). I'm a bit afraid of the drug now. Redditors ended up telling me to post my story here because you guys might find it interesting, so here I am. I'm just gonna copy and paste everything I wrote. If you want more information, feel free to ask me for it.

Well, at first it was like the first trip: no hallucinations and a slight feeling of impending doom. I hoped it would get better because it did last time once we started listening to some loud music. But... something just... happened. I have no clue what could have caused it and I barely have memory of it, but it was like part of my brain basically just snapped.

We were in my friend's backyard when we started tripping. The next thing I remember, we're still in my friend's backyard (different part though), but now, I'm frantically repeating the phrase "living is better" over and over again. It's like for whatever reason, I was convinced I was going to die, and for whatever reason, I thought repeating the phrase 'living is better" over and over again would somehow "save" me. My friends would ask me if I'm alright and I would tell them "yes" and then go back to frantically repeating "living is better". They would try to tell me to stop, but the more they did that, that the more I would say it and the louder I would say it.

It was incredibly bizarre for me because it was like the logic of my mind was completely warped and my personality was completely taken over by primal fear. I thought I was in purgatory and that I was saving my life by repeating that. In fact, I distinctly remember thinking I was saving the lives of my friends, too, by saying that. Like, me saying it over and over again was what was tying us to the world of the living.

Time passes, my friends are panicking because they didn't plan for a situation like this and my friend's parent will be home soon. Now, they have to basically drive me around while I'm yelling and wailing nonsense until I, hopefully, come back to reality. Not too sure what I said during this time- I remember yelling some religious shit at one point.

Then, the good half of the trip starts. While they were driving me around while I was panicking, they just happen to drive past the house I grew up on and hadn't seen in 10 years. Seeing that house suddenly flooded me with a bunch of memories from when I was a child and then after that crazy flashback moment, I suddenly come to the realization of "Wait... Why am I panicking?" The fear is gone now. I decide to just quietly sit in the car because I realized that I hadn't stopped talking/yelling for a loooong time and that I had been seriously irritating my best friend. We go to my other friend's house and we watch Spongebob and it felt amazing. I felt like my brain had rewinded back to when I was 5 years old. I could just play and I didn't have a single anxiety or fear in the world. I fed my friend's dog ice cubes. Probably the best feeling I've ever felt in life.

Like, I said before, I've never hallucinated on mushrooms. However, in this paragraph and the next, I'll get into the really weird effects the drug DID have on me. The first half of the trip, it was like everything I saw was a under a cold, bluish lighting. The second half, everything was under a warm, reddish lighting. As if someone had slightly turned down/up the contrast on a TV or I had slightly tinted glasses.

And here's the weird shit that's really difficult to explain... After I saw the house, I started to understand the nature of my trip. Every time I thought about things, I would say them out loud and apply some unnatural logic to them. Every time I stopped thinking or wasn't thinking, I would start acting like a normal human being, but I wouldn't be able to understand what I was saying or what my friends were saying. So, I basically had to choose between keeping my brain "turned on" and likely screwing things up (but maintaining my ability to understand language), or turning my brain off so that I can act like a normal guy (but I'll no longer be able to understand language- theirs nor mine).

So, I decide to leave my brain turned off. But, this gets frustrating for me. It's like there's 2 of me. I'm locked up inside my own mind having to watch some other guy socialize and have a good time with my friends and I can't even understand what he or my friends are saying. We get to this point where something pretty funny happens. I'm watching the "other me" and him and my friends are just laughing for a good minute. I get frustrated and think to myself "that's it, I need to switch back. I NEED to know what they're laughing about. For all I know, I could be saying something stupid like 'I have a small dick.'" The moment I think this exact thought, I say out loud "I... am... small. I mean, uhhh, I'VE GOT A BIG DICK!" When I switched back into my brain, I almost said out loud "I have a small dick" and I managed stop myself. My friends kinda just sigh and look away like they're like "yeah... gonna pretend that didn't just happen". At this point, I decide to just completely resign my thinking and just let the "other guy" take care of the rest of the trip.

When I say I couldn't understand language, it's like I was saying words, but they weren't the actual words I was saying. When I heard what the "other me" was saying, it would all be gibberish. I actually remember one of the things I heard myself saying was "born in Thanksgiving". That couldn't have been what I actually said though because it makes no sense and my friends actually responded to stuff like this like it was normal language.

Anyways, there are huge gaps of memory between parts of the trip, I remember it ending on a relatively positive note (given the first half). But, way later that day when I'm sober, I get online to talk to my best friend about it and he just straight up asks me if I'm suicidal. And I'm like, "I... don't know..." I can't remember 98% of the things I said. I had been feeling a bit depressed lately because of struggles with college and family and I had always had kind of had a bit of a darker personality, but I had never thought of myself as suicidal. But then, why was I acting like that on the shrooms? Was I suicidal? My best friend was pretty upset about it because I ruined his trip and put him under a bunch of pressure. I felt really guilty about it and have barely touched any drug since then.

One reason I thought of for why I might've said/done that stuff is because of the first time I tripped. In the middle of the first time I tripped, my other friend got stung in the back of the head by a hornet while tripping and he said he was thinking of killing himself (to make the pain go away). This kinda horrified me while I was tripping and I guess I think that might've had something to do with it? I WAS tripping with the same friend.

About 3 years later, I ended up discovering the concept of "ego death" and I realized that this was basically the experience I went through. But it was like for the first half, I was refusing to let my ego die because I wasn't sure what would happen next. It was only when I saw my old house that I essentially "surrendered" to the trip because I realized I had nothing to be afraid of. At least, that's the way I THINK it happened. I don't feel as depressed these days (though it is still a slight problem for me) and I don't feel as bad about ruining my friends' trip. But I'm still very hesitant on doing that again. I don't wanna lose control of my mind again.


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