It was late winter and I had just found the mother-load of shrooms. I picked as many as I could, buckets full. I needed help picking them there were so many. I washed and dried them, then kept going back for more over the next few weeks. I probably took a quarter of what was there. I Ended up with about 1kg of dry mushrooms, way more than one needs. Maybe I got greedy? My intentions were never to sell them, rather give or barter them to people wanting to better themselves, not for a recreational user.
I was home alone and had been planning to do a 5g trip in semi silent darkness for a while now. I was planning to turn the lights and music off at the one hour mark and see where it took me. I stupidly broke my first rule of tripping by cooking a huge cheesy beef burger an hour before taking the shrooms. Bad move as I usually do them on an empty stomach.
I used the lemon tek method and carefully weighed out 5 grams of mushrooms. I steeped them in lemon juice for exactly 20 min then strained and sweetened slightly... and drank. I went to my room where I had lit candles, music, incense and a massive mandala hanging on my wall in front of my bed. I got comfy and started meditating and asking the mushroom to show me what I needed to see. I am a fairly experienced tripper having done mushrooms about 10-15 times and have had some truly mystical life changing experiences on 5g doses. I was hoping to replicate that one off experience where it was 100% amazing and re visit that part of the universe.
20 mins later I began to feel reality breathing and pulsing and I could feel the veil beginning to lift like a curtain rising before a grand performance. I had vaped some cannabis to ease the anxiety and bring it in gently (as I've done plenty before) ...then my mandala started to open up and I was amazed at what I was seeing. The mandala symbolizes the universe and all its infinite layers and I had never seen such intricate detail. It was like I was in a giant tunnel spiraling down through an infinite intelligent organic machine. I was at the core, the heart, the brain of the universe. It was so beautiful and it had all the answers to life's mysteries. Answers just came to me and I just said 'huh' of course. Everything was so obvious I thought how can humans not see this!
It was about now that I took a wrong turn. I suddenly started to feel like I was overheating and a wave of nausea came over me. I stopped the music, blew out the candles and went to the lounge. I started to feel an intense fear of losing it, like dying, like I was being dissolved, like death was staring me in face and was coming to get me. It felt very different from any other ego death I've experienced as it was more like real death. Everything was so quiet and still. Death was speaking to me saying. ''are you ready now? It's time to go'' I pleaded with it out loud saying I'M NOT GOING YET! NOT LIKE THIS! It would answer in my head as my thoughts. Felt like I was going crazy.
I wanted to lay down but I feel like if I had it would've taken me. My heart was racing like I had just run a marathon. I realise now that I was having my first panic attack. I was convinced I was about to die so I called up my brother and asked him to come and help me... but he couldn't. Speaking to him on the phone was like speaking to someone in another dimension, like I was already on the other side. I tried to get it together and said I'll be ok, and just softly and abruptly said my goodbyes. I tried to play the piano but every song I played was sad and depressing which just made me closer to death. I went outside for some air and I could feel the immense power of the universe watching, waiting for me. I tried to go for a walk but I felt as if the mushroom would make me do something stupid like walk in front of a car or do myself harm. I decided that was a BAD idea so I went back inside. It was too intense to be outside as there was no barrier, no walls, just me ...and it. I could hear the rumble of the universe, and the stars and clouds were like alien ships full of cosmic data.
So, inside now and the feeling was not about to go away...about 4 hours in. I felt like I was on the verge of collapsing and thought I should call an ambulance. I knew it was a bad idea and would just worsen the already nightmarish trip. I couldn't walk, couldn't talk and was crawling round my house trying to beat it, trying to gain some sort of control. I tried to play music but it was just a distraction,a filler from what was waiting. I turned on the TV and everything I watched seemed like it was meant for that exact moment, meant for me. Nothing was good. I crawled back into my room and looked at the setup. It was as if I had setup my own death. Everything was perfect, except it wasn't.
I was trying to breathe through the fear but my heart was beating so fast like never before. I was aware of every moment in time and the moments seemed to last forever. For 12 hours at least. I was so scared of sleeping cause the feeling of letting go was terrifying. I then though about my family and how they would have to deal with a me having a 'drug overdose' and how sad, and angry they would all be.
Maybe I had picked a batch of bad shrooms? Sprayed with a pesticide...that thought played heavily on my mind. Was I too greedy when picking them? Was it the meaty cheesy burger I ate? was it the pot? All I could think was I need people.
At about 5am I went and lay in bed and shut my eyes. The feeling was disappearing and becoming less intense...until one thought triggered it back to pure panic and fear. That thought is always just there and it's constantly like being asked not to think of a black cat. These waves of panic went on and off till I eventually fell asleep. Not knowing if I would wake up was not fun.
It's been about 6 months now and I've developed some sort of panic/anxiety issue. That trip has changed how I perceive negative situations and I feel others' pain more and empathize on a deeper level. It has also changed how pot makes me feel and whenever I have a little too much it takes me back to the realm of 'death is coming soon' especially if I am alone. I'm hoping writing about this helps me work through the experience and process what I need to. I can only describe it as psychedelic trauma and a complete opposite to the mystical god like trip I had the previous year. I have never feared death until that night where I felt it with every essence of my being. It's always there, just waiting in the wings. I think these were some seriously powerful mushrooms. It didn't feel like a 5g trip, more like what I would believe to be 15- 20g.
We all die, and each of our deaths is the most personal thing we ever do, next to being born. In hindsight, I try to look at that night as a positive. It helped me make some life changing decisions and has taught me not to wait around for things to happen. This life is short and we need to make the most of it.