bliss and gratitude

After a few months of very slow and careful experimenting
with mushrooms (never more than 2 grams), I decided I was
ready for 3 grams in the desert. My husband agreed to be my
guardian during the trip. We drove into the desert, spent
the night and in the morning hiked about 20 minutes across
open terrain to a large configuration of hills and boulders
in the distance. No trail or footprints preceded us. The sky
was electric blue and the temperature was perfect.

Upon coming closer to the hills, we entered a beautiful,
hidden valley that ended in a vaguely circular area
surrounded by huge boulders. It seemed perfect; remote,
secluded, enclosed yet open at one end to a magnificent view
of the surrounding desert.

I ate the mushrooms and waited. In about 20 minutes, the
effects began to manifest. I will never forget this trip!
There were no hallucinations; only intensified color,
clarity and focus. Everything that occurred manifested in my
body and my connection to the life around me AND WHAT A
CONNECTION IT WAS.

First, I experienced intense surges of power running up my
spine. I stood up and decided that I would do whatever my
body wanted. I shook and writhed. My husband said I also
moved my hands into strange configurations. This was
accompanied by a variety of different breathing patterns and
vocalizations. I whimpered, moaned, hummed. I finally found
myself full out on my stomach on the desert floor with deep
sonorous humming sort of "oms" emanating from my mouth.

I can only say that it felt like I was a tuning fork and
that I was following advice on the method for aligning
myself with the territory. This alignment involved posture,
breathing and sound. The connection was fully made flat on
my stomach, "omming". My husband said it was like nothing he
had ever heard before. He said the sound’s main
characteristic was that it was full of belief.

In this position, I experienced the deepest sense of
gratitude that I have ever felt. I saw how full the world is
of BEING, how alive and perfect it is. How perfect my
relationship is to everything around me. In addition, I felt
the deepest shame of my life. Shame that I had not spent
every second of my life giving thanks for this beauty. I
shook and cried and "ommed".

Then I sat up and made a small offering of tobacco. This is
something I always do when I enter nature. I am of European
descent but have adopted this Native American ritual. My
reasoning is that Native Americans lived here thousands of
years before us and I am sure they know better than us how
to move through this land. It makes sense to be humble when
you enter the wilderness. HOWEVER, THIS WAS NOT LIKE ANY
OFFERING I HAD EVER MADE BEFORE. I executed this ritual in
extreme slow motion and with absolute belief.

Next I took off all my clothes and began a very slow walk
around the perimeter of the enclosed valley. In that walk, I
introduced myself to every plant I laid eyes on. No, I did
not TALK to plants but I did communicate with them in a
body-connected language that I cannot describe with the
written word. On that walk, I thought very deeply about what
it is to be human, and about the terrifying responsibility
that it brings. About half way around, I squatted down and
spent a good long time examining my opposing thumb.

The trip was over as soon as I completed my walk around the
valley.

It will take me along time to assimilate my experiences that
day. How do I bring this kind of knowledge back to my life
in urban America (of all places)? I have the same old
thought patterns that I had before this trip but now I have
a watcher in my mind. I want to make that degree of
connection a reality in all of my life.

And I have that place in the desert. I feel that I was
warmly and truly welcomed and that I may re