"All of this is temporary. I am glad that this trip is finally over. I feel like I was living in a bad dream, a nightmare.. This universe is way bigger than just us. I went insane for a few hours. I didn't know what was real or what was fake. "
This is what I wrote when my bad trip was coming to an end.. But lemme get to the story of what happened that day before I tripped hard. I've never tripped hard in my life. I've never had any experience with psychedelics. I only smoked weed, drank, and experienced with a few other drugs.. but NEVER anything that would change my perception of reality..
It was a Sunday and my boyfriend had the house to himself for a few days. We had invited a couple of close friends that we were comfortable with and we all decided we wanted to trip balls later that day. Although my friends doubted that we would find good shrooms on such short notice, we did and boy did we trip. Many times before we took the shrooms I had my doubts. I was nervous because prior to taking these majestic shrooms I heard from many people that you shouldn't experiment with shrooms if you're "not in a good place mentally" or have bad depression or anxiety. This discouraged me because I have horrible anxiety and depression. However, I also found research that claimed shrooms could possibly treat depression in "single high doses" so I cut loose and tried not to think of any what ifs..
My friends and I piled into my boyfriends car and we head over to this older woman who grew psilocybin cubenis mushrooms and would sell them every now and then. My boyfriend and I pulled out $45 for the shrooms, as we were unsure how much we would need and how much we would need to make us trip. Fortunately for us, my boyfriend and my friends managed to get the lady into giving us close to an ounce of these babies. Maybe she thought they were charming?
Fast forward to when we get back to the house, we begin to throw blankets and pillows onto the living room floor, set up the tv, drape sheets over the big mirrors (one of our friends said to not look in mirrors so we covered em) and after our food digested from earlier, we ate our portions. Jake, who was experienced with shrooms told us the importance of our "set up" and dosage. The older woman suggested that I (I'm a little short and small and it was my first time) should micro-dose and that I should start with .5 or a gram. Unfortunately we didn't want to buy a scale and as we searched up recipes to make shroom tea we thought it could make it too strong for my friend K and I. We ended up saying "Fuck it, just grab em and chew it up!" Now that I look back at it, I probably ate a good 4.5-5gs of these magical mushrooms. I managed to eat a portion of my pile of mushrooms with an almond chocolate bar. I thought the crunch of the almonds would distract me from the crunch of all the stems and caps I was downing. I chugged some Mountain Dew code red and smoked a couple of joints with my group. Apparently the weed made the shrooms more intense and soon as we finished hot boxing my car I stepped out barefoot into a puddle. My head felt a little light and I felt tipsy. The feeling of my feet touching the puddle felt amazing. That's when I knew I was starting to feel something. We walked inside and my boyfriend was starting to complain about feeling bloated. I suddenly felt bloated as well but didn't pay any attention to it because I felt it was normal. After all, we were eating a dried fungus. About 30min to an hour we start to trip hard. My friend Jake and I ate a lot of stems and for some reason the trip was crazy intense for Jake and I. While my boyfriend and my friend K cackled at South Park and were throwing pillows at each other, Jake and I stepped outside. When I opened the door it felt as if I was in another dimension. The front of the house looked like an oil painting or a highly saturated photograph.
"You feeling ok?" I managed to ask Jake, even though I wasn't doing well. I thought if I had tried to focus on something else I could pull myself out of the bad trip I was beginning to feel.
Jake looked my way and nodded although his eyes told a different story. "I feel good but something doesn't feel right." He said and then walked off and then that's when my trip went bad. An overwhelming weight of pure fear and dread came over me. I went inside to find my boyfriend but then I forgot what I was doing and South Park began to distract me until it became too intense for me to watch, AGAIN. I walked outside again to talk to Jake. I told him I was feeling overwhelmed and he said he was too. We frantically kept smoking bowls until we saw a cop pull up a few hundred yards away. Although we were in a gated home and the cop couldn't see us, we crouched down and smoked on the ground.
"The clouds are speaking to me," said Jake.I could hear it as well.
Two landscapers were pouring mulch in the garden behind our house and we scattered. I suddenly felt a horrific trip brewing.. I ran inside to find my boyfriend and told him, "I don't feel safe, I don't know why, but I don't feel safe." I said.
He saw how mortified I looked and I told him to follow me. I couldn't stand the noises from the Tv and the music in the background. It felt like the noise would burst my ear drums. I walked into the restroom because it was the quietest place I could think of going. I thought I would throw up but I only dry heaved. My boyfriend noticed that I started to cry and tried to hand me one of his Rick dolls from Rick and morty. He explained to me that I'd need to use Rick as my "anchor". As I was losing the concept of what reality was, I'd grip my Rick doll tightly. It became my safety doll. I was crying hard now, his words of comfort couldn't be heard over my crying. I was too frightened to listen. He explained to "Stop fighting it. If you keep fighting it you won't be able to pull yourself out of the trip."
He said I needed to go with the flow and that I was safe and sound.
After that the shrooms hit me in waves. Good waves and bad waves. The different waves felt like what I would imagine different drugs would feel like. One second I was feeling like I snorted a bunch of coke, the next I felt like I was sipping on syrup, etc. One minute I was manic and crying, the next I was happy and thought I had life figured out.. and back to manic again. It had only been an hour since the high kicked in and it felt like HOURS. At one point I didn't even know where the hell I was. Once I began to peak, my trip turned for the worst again. I felt that if I made myself throw up I would begin to feel better. Wrong. I couldn't even throw up. My mouth was dry. I drank some water and finally managed to make myself throw up twice. I was lost in my thoughts in the restroom until my boyfriend reminded me to leave the room. Being incredibly high and vomiting wasn't fun at all. I'd see demonic faces in my vomit. My boyfriend could've sworn he saw me reach into the toilet bowl to touch my throw up but I'm sure I didn't. I remember after puking my guts out I felt incredibly sleepy. It felt as if I hadn't slept in days and it was crucial that I lay down.
I plopped onto the safety blankets that we set up and snuggled with a pillow and saw many 3D visuals while my eyes were closed. My body felt as if it was melting onto the floor. Here's when it got really scary for me...
As I was laying down I'd shut my eyes for what felt like 2min. Then I'd sit up abruptly and gasp for air. One of my sober friends showed up (whom I thought was a stranger at first) and said my face looked like it lost all of its color. I was scared to sleep because of my inability to make myself breathe normally. I'd shut my eyes and then feel my face swell from the pressure of not breathing. I told my boyfriend to check on me in a few minutes to make sure I didn't die.. as crazy as that sounds. I've seen many people claim it's rare to die from shrooms but I was fearful for my life. My body felt like it was just a mere shell. My soul felt as if it was out of my body. It was at that point that I began to "let go". I kept muttering that as I began to lose consciousness. I felt that if I died then and there I couldn't fight any longer and that I might as well let go..I was close to telling someone to call 911. Fortunately I didn't do that and another wave hit me. I felt jumpy and needed to get up..I was eager to try and pull myself out of the bad trip I was in. I walked outside where everyone was smoking a cig and thought I was naked. I'd touch my shorts and hoodie every few minutes or so to make sure I hadn't gone mad and ripped off all of my clothes. As I was trying to appear to look normal in front of one of my sober friends ex, I felt as if I was peeing on myself. I thought I felt piss run down my leg and I ran off to the restroom only to find out that I hadn't peed AND that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pee. Embarrassed, I laid back down on the floor and tangled myself in blankets and sheets. Then seconds later I'd rip off the blankets because I felt trapped. I felt like the shrooms stripped me of my ego. I suddenly felt like a baby. I was very vulnerable to sound and sight and it would change my mood accordingly. My attention span felt like it was as short as a toddlers attention span....Touch that, yank that, get that shiny thing, move that blue thing, etc. I thought I could read Braille because the bumpy texture of the painted wall. My mood went from feeling peaceful and accepting to angry and crazy. When one of my sober friends and his ex began to argue I felt compelled to yell at them and tell them to leave, but I didn't. For some reason voices were telling me "Get rid of them." "Hit the girl. Fight her." "Attack."
I couldn't speak sentences correctly and I said a few words in an Australian accent that came out of nowhere. The house was no longer recognizable when I was tripping. There's parts of the house id refuse to go into because I was scared to go into that part of the "universe". The walls had many faces. Faces were everywhere I turned. Some had faces of pain, anger, sadness, happiness and other faces looked straight up demonic. Objects felt like they were alive to me. The chairs would breath, the sky would breathe, everything moved and felt like it had life or a mind of its own. I looked into the mirror to only get lost in my own reflection. My pupils were so huge I could hardly see the green in my eyes. I was convince that I was a demon with soulless eyes. I looked as if I had seen too much (heh). When I'd try to spark a bowl outside the pipe felt heavy and far away. Eventually I got too high to even be able to do that. My motor skills were completely unhinged. My boyfriend said I saw me holding onto a poll as if I was clutching it for dear life. My trip started at around the end of 6pm and lasted till 12 am. Next time I'll listen and take a small dose instead. Regardless of how bad the trip was at a few points, the shrooms made me humble. I kept telling people that I was thankful to have my sanity. I felt like I could relate to my boyfriend's uncle who has Alzheimer's and dementia. I never understood how one could hallucinate so horribly until I took shrooms. I had a deep understanding as to why he'd fight people randomly or get angry and happy really fast. I told myself that I needed to appreciate my sanity, appreciate my life and family.
Although I was terrified I would eat shrooms again, maybe not as much next time!