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Weed and Shrooms Don't Mix

Thought I was Dying



Sorry if this post ends up being really long but I wanted to give my best account without making people read a novel as well so here it goes.
Yesterday I had my first real trip on shrooms. I grew Cambodians and a strain from Puerto Rico before and I don't think I did a good job at it because they didn't do anything. So I read a crap ton more on growing and tried again with some Escondido Mexico this time from a different vendor. It was me and my friend and we had a trip sitter. We went to the woods because I read being in nature allowed for a better trip. Recently, I have been very concerned with the idea of death and kind of scared of the after life so I didn't want to have a bad trip. We found a spot by the river in the woods and it was very peaceful and beautiful. Me and M ate 2 grams dried each on a peanut butter sandwich and had some cran and vodka to take the nervous edge off. About an hour passed and nothing was happening so we decided to go back to the house and get some bud and smoke instead. I was very discouraged and a bit angry that I put so much time and money into growing these mushrooms and nothing ever comes of it. So when we got back to the house we ate maybe 2-3 gram more each some fresh some dried with hot sauce (just seemed like a good idea lol) So we went to a different river and smoked and had a great time everything was chill. On the way back is when everything started to go downhill.

The Bad Trip

My trip sitter was hungry so we stopped at the grocery store to get lighter fluid to light up the grill when we got back. On the way I started to feel weird. At this point i just figured I smoked too much and I was getting my normal bout of anxiety that I was dying and this was the end. But this time it was much much more intense. I absolutely did not want to be in the car and couldn't wait to get out. I felt the vibrations of the car through my whole body and it was so uncomfortable. We got to the grocery store and all the people in there really wigged me out. I just couldnt handle it. I had to concentrate on not dying and it was just too much. My friend had to use the bathroom so i went outside to walk around the parking lot and wait. This old man was watching me and i laughed thinking i probably looked like one of those crazy people just circling cars looking lost and confused but whatevs..ha So me and my trip sitter waiting outside and my friend is not coming out so they decide to go look for her. At this point i think she was tripping too because she was lost in the store and thought we left her and was looking at pet food when they came to get her LOL. 
     So we get back in the car to go home and again i feel very uncomfortable in the car. I thought maybe if i took a walk i would be okay. My friend is having a good trip because she is saying how beautiful everything is. Me on the other hand..I felt like everything was so REAL. I just could really feel how vast and big the planet is and at the same time i felt like everything is fake. Like we are rats in a laboratory and God or whoever is watching down on us and all this stuff is just here to distract us from the fact that none of this is real. It was kind of scary to me. So i said maybe i want to go back. I swore my friend said we are lost and then all of a sudden she says we are out back the house so Idk if i projected my thoughts onto her or if she really said it. But it confused me. before we left i saw these two men walking down the alley. When we came back the same two men were walking down the alley the exact same way. It was like deja vu but it actually happened two times and it wigged me out. I guess thats the time distortion people speak of. Then their neighbors came out with barking dogs and kids running around and it made me so uncomfortable i went back inside. I was so irritated being around people. And they have a little kick me dog that is on 100 all the time and it really pissed me off because it kept nipping at my ankles and following me around. Im freaking out at this point i truly felt like i was dying and i knew if i had a bad trip this is what would happen. I didn't know what to do I couldnt escape the feeling i was really panicking i just felt so strange. My body felt heavy. My mind felt dizzy. I think the feeling of dying came from smoking the weed because i get those feelings if i smoke too much but the shrooms intensified it. I was also very sleepy maybe also from the weed but my mind was wired. I tried laying down and closing my eyes and thats when the visuals came on. I looked in the mirror and my pupils were dilated AF. I was just like whoa..lol

At first the visuals scared me since this was my first time. I looked at this picture and it was moving so i got scared and went back outside and i was just pacing around the yard. I think i spent a good couple hours doing laps around the yard just concentrating on riding this out and not dying. Meanwhile my friend is laying in the grass lost somewhere in her head but still chilling. I was super hungry but i couldnt eat. It was physically hard and took too much energy to eat. I tried eating a peanut butter pretzel and ended up spitting it in the grass because i didnt know how to eat it. At this point it was also hard to speak. My trip sitter kept asking if i was okay because i told them i was freaking out so they were concerned. But I went back upstairs put on some blackmill music and closed my eyes and this is when things finally got better.

The Good Trip 

My friend had a painting on the wall of a flower and i looked at it for hours im sure. It was so beautiful it was breathing and moving swirling around, but I liked that it was slow and not fast or crazy. When I closed my eyes i saw shapes and colors swirling and moving lazily the same way. At this point i got a really good vibe and was concentrating on all the trip reports i read in here good and bad. It was comforting to know people have been here before and experienced everything i have already. It was good to not feel alone and think that maybe someone somewhere is also tripping at the same time. At this point i felt like the mushroom was very gentle and taking care of me. I felt like the mushroom was from another world and it was watching over me and it wouldnt let anything bad happen to me. My thoughts started to race again and I was thinking about all my friends and how much I loved them. And that i needed to tell them at that very moment how much they meant to me. I tried grabbing my phone but it looked bright like a cartoon and i was having a hard time using it. It just took too much energy to try and figure it out so i gave up on the idea and went back into my head. I felt like I opened up parts of my brain that I never used before and that we are all energy and that everything will be okay after death. That in fact its not scary we are just balls of energy and light that are intelligent beings even outside this body. It was a very comforting thought and the more i gave in to letting go of worry and fear and doubt of leaving this body, the better i felt. My friend came back in and laid with me and we didnt speak which was good because it was hard for me to do. but we just listened to music and got lost in our thoughts. Let it be by blackmill was the best song to listen to it really calmed me and made me feel at peace and helped me to just let the mushrooms show me what they wanted to show me. Let it come and let it be was the only line that helped me let go and have a good time.

 In the beginning I thought about trashing all my grow stuff when I got home because i felt like i was in fungi hell and never wanted to do this again. I thought i would never escape. The trip lasted over 8 hours. But by the end I realized this was a very amazing and eye opening experience that I needed to have. I needed to have that bad trip because it has helped me cope with my fear of death when im sober. Any time i feel a panic attack coming on thinking about it, im able to relax and just accept it for what it is. And to feel comforted knowing maybe things will be okay after this life. I think I will trip again but not for a while. Not until I know I am solid in my feelings and thoughts of death and dying because it was most uncomfortable going through that for at least 4 hours Id say. Mushrooms are a lot more intense than I imagined. A lot more thoughts went through my head that I either don't remember now or just cant put into words because there is just no way to describe them. I absolutely understand now what people mean when they say that. Overall I think it was a good experience,,the good and the bad. 

Azarius
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