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1st trip - low dose - ego death?
I was pulled to what it felt like a center of universe
Summary: I was reduced to smallest possible particle in the universe only to experience how important I am to universe and its infinity. I was origin but I also experience the origin. I was source and I also experienced the source, I was it and yet I was just part of it. Hard to explain.
I've been waiting to try shrooms for a while, I bought 5gm of cubensis and 5gm of what looks like Liberty Caps, cause they are small. I've have tried micro dosing, but decided to start with a low dose before a heroic dose.
So I ate 1.6g in Lemon tek. At my apartment alone, good set and setting, expecting a nice playful trip.... Ha! couldn't be more wrong!
I took the shrooms at 10:40am laid back in the sofa, and contemplated the nice warm sunlight coming through the glass door. Played some music. Had a bit of anxiety during the come up, it lasted about 15 to 20 min then I felt good.
1hr later I can see some movement on the ceiling, colors of my walls were vivid, my phone looked amazing, so HD! But no closed eyes visuals, or not enough to grab my attention.
Another 30 min later I was still seeing the same stuff, nothing strong, so I decided to have a bit of weed. I didn't want to take more mushrooms as I had to be sober in exact 7hrs.
I had a couple of hits of weed, (I am very sensitive to weed, it takes only a bit to get me high, 3 big puffs and I can trip on weed.)
Went back to sofa and yess, I was feeling it. Wow. I started talking non stop. I had this urge to talk and describe what was going on on my mind, so I talked to myself the whole time. From this behavior I can tell it would have been really hard to trip around strangers....
I started to enjoy the feeling, I was floating, finally started seeing some visuals, some shapes and lines had this neon color that I could sort of experience the color... it was amazing.
Then at some point I was seeing in 3rd person, I was there in the sofa and yet my consciousness was sort of standing or floating in the living room. I felt a presence there talking to me, I am not exactly sure if we used language, but I understood he saying.
He said I was expected on the other side because they knew I would understand the message that would be given to me and that I shouldn't consider to stay in the early layers of the experience, where our physical body experience different sensations, colors, etc. They told me that those experiences were designed to attract some people and at the same time prevent some other people to pass beyond that point because they couldn't handle what's on the other side.
So I agreed that I shouldn't stay there in my living room looking at visuals and at this moment I felt being pulled away from my surroundings, reality started to blur and shake. In an instant I stepped inside my body again and told myself "let go, you know it is safe, you studied a lot for this experience, you are prepared". And I did, I let go and BANG.
I felt like reality shattered, I was still me in complete darkness but I could see the layers of my self, as what looked like energy perhaps... they were some sort of frequencies. I was able to separate those layers. I saw the layers or emotions, and I just pushed it to the side, then the memories, etc. All links to this person that I am was peeled away, and I felt I was shirking.
From our human point of view, I shrank into the tiniest possible particle, something like a neutron and I was in this universe filled with fractals, little dots, or particles, I can't describe them well.
I could experience the infinite and I then had this amazing feeling that I was it all, and yet I was just part of it. I was origin, I was source and yet I was experiencing the source. it is hard to explain in words what I saw and felt, it was intense, I think my physical body might have cried of happiness,
In this place it was lonely and yet I didn't need anyone, I felt that I had emotions disabled, so I didn't have to bring emotions into this. Sorry if this sound confusing.
I could then understand that my consciousness existed, independent of this body, or other bodies, independent of this life or many other lives, I knew I would continue to be regardless. Time was a concept that didn't need to be used in this place. PLACE or physical space was a foreign concept... if I was it all and I was part of it, I couldn't describe space. But I felt like if I wanted I could create the idea, the concept of space, a simple measurement of time and space theory to then make this reality and only then I could label what was going on in terms of time and space, but this idea was so useless there. There was no point in doing it.
It felt like a few years there... Damn so hard to explain.
I don't want to extend this much so I will jump to the come down part.
Coming down I experienced flashes, I found myself in my living room, sober for a minute and then I would be pulled back again, this happened a few times and I felt the need of reconstruct my reality. I was slowly bringing the layers I had peeled off. It was hard to do that. I felt like reality was a prison, I had no care for reality and that scared me so much. It really didn't matter if I dies or not, I new that this reality is a tiny little moment in our infinity existence. This disregard for life was a very tough part of the trip. It took me a few hours to fell a bit of emotion, or a care for someone or for things in this word. But gladly I did, by end of the night I felt I was almost 100% back to the old self, however, now something has changed and that changes everything.
Even though it was amazing, I am afraid to trip again, I feel that the responsibility of knowing, is big. Dealing with the consequences of knowing, just makes this life seem more like a prison....
So I am postponing the plans for my heroic dose. I guess what I felt was an ego death but it was such a low dose and I am now wondering if that would be a ego-death.
Anyone care to comment, was it an ego death?
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