Ego Death? Pure fear.

I have never writed a trip report before. So I'll do my best to make it good as it can. I'm writing this report just the day after the ''hell of a weekend''.

Before we go on on the mushroom trip I need to say that we had a little pre party the day before wich was compared with other non psychoactive drugs. We took 'some' amfetamine and some alcohol as a little celebration. We started at 8 o clock friday evening, therefore we had not sleep and eaten till about 8 o clock saturday evening.

So we started the trip without sleep and food for the past 24/36 hours. (If you want to trip balls on low portions it's recommended, but beware it is a hell of an attack on your body!)

Okay fine, back to the mushroom trip;

 -We are with 3 persons wich I fully trust and comfortabel with. I name them S and N.

 -N is the tripsitter, he has a lot of knowledge about psychoactive drugs, has experienced much and therefore a skilled psychonaut! Very important to have someone like that as tripsitter!!

 -S is my compagnon on this epic en frightening journey. She is also a very skilled psychonaut.

 -Location is at home.

 -Dosage is 3.2grams dried liberty caps (psilocybe semilanceata) Self plucked in holland ♡

We started the evening with weighting the mushies to a normal/high dose, then we crushed and crumbled them. Heard that it would be easier to eat and the 'kick-in' time will be shortned. Okay fine, S got her portion with some vla and sprinkles. And I had my portion in a glass with soda (nasty...)

After we both did a little struggle to get it all the way true the job was done.

We both decided to take a quick smoke and wait for the mushies to kick in. Back from the smoke we both got directly jammed by the effects that were kicking in, this is just 5 minutes after eating the mushies. We were both amazed how fast it is working, normally it would take 30/60minutes. From that point it is going in a very fast train. The usual effects are full around us, the brighting colours, shaking objects, paterns moving. 

Then the colours kicked in, everywhere is started to pop up coloured lines in an foggy way. Red green yellow purple, the room is also changing at this point. I can't calculate the distance between me and the objects. It looks 6 meters away and the next second it is right beside me. 

S is having the same visuals as me as I can conlude what she saying. We started talking about the visuals and I'm hearing everything in echo voice and can barrely concetrate anymore. 

This was going on for a little while, then it got even more intense. The whole (coloured) room was moving, going left up down right, nothing was balaced anymore. The striped colouring fog got more intense and heavy started to move very fast. Spectrums kicking in everywhere, the room isn't a room anymore it is 'something' on its own. The feeling of reality is slipping away and it was good. It feels very trusted and joyable at that point. We both thought, f*ck we are tripping balls right now.

S is at this point so happy, she keeps saying wow whats happening, how is this possible, how could something be this wonderfull?!

I'm sitting quiet on the couch to take it all over me and looking peacefully to everything what is happening. 

N was sitting between us and was telling what possible was going on, he knew there were 5 stages of tripping and we were probaly at stage 3 at this point. 

It was keeping more and more intense, N is moving upstairs to do some little stuff. So S and I were sitting on the couch facing each other. S was continue saying; Bas this is an one in a lifetime experiece take it all with you, enjoy as much as you can and I couldn't deny it. We both said this is very special this is the real deal.

We probaly talked this way about 10/15 minutes(felt like a hour), then we both noticed N was gone (?huh how were is he...) forgotten he was upstairs. Couple minutes later he came downstairs and I was relieved he was back. 

Now I was started to lose the time and reality very fast, couldn't think or see how late it was where we were or how long we allready been tripping. N asked multiple times if I was okay and if everything was good. I answerd everytime with yes. Reality was slipping away but he and S weren't slipping away, almost if he was our guide in the trip. Like he leaded us trew the trip, this felt like an overwhelming feeling of connection.

Untill he asked again if I was okay, I thought am I okay? Then I concentrated and thought no I'm not, this way to heavy and intense. I want it to stop! This mindf*ck began at the point the trip was on it's heaviest. I said to N I want out, began panicking and didn't knew what I needed to do. He and S (who was also still tripping balls) tried to calm me down, think happy thoughts. Enjoy what you get and what you feel and seeying. But it couldn't help my thoughts, I wanted out or at least calming this heavy firing of colours and moving room to a normal speed...

So I layed down on the couch and again thinking how to get out, what resulted in complete panick in my head. But what if I'm trapped forever here and now laying somewhere in an hospital bed for months already. N tooked me outside to get a smoke, so I sat down on a chair with a lot of thoughts in my head. N took both my hands and was saying; Bas remind that this is a experience let it go, I repeated him many times and felt a little better but still thinking that I was somewhere in a hospital ore something.

He calmed me down as best as he could, we walked back to the house and I layed down on the couch. I was trying to remember what had happened from begin till now but I couldn't get grip of anything. So I started searching dor the reality, (S was sitting next to me, comforting me and said it was al good) I repeated the streetname where we were and in desperate solutions I tried to say every name of my family, my mom is... my dad is... my sister is... But nothing could get me a little grip back to the real world.

After this I reconized a lot of deja vu's, I have seen this before I experienced this before. This was the point I came in an paradox nobody wants to have at a trip. Endles cirkel, or the provement of being trapped. I was shouting in my head Call an Ambulance, call someone! Get me safe get me secured so I won't die! I was surrounded by pure fear, it felt like pure fear and it wasn't good at all. N and S are still worried about me, N approached me kneeled to my eye level. I looked him straight in the eyes, a warm feeling of trust felt over me but I knew he saw pure fear in my eyes. He said what do you see, I responded you, only you. He; good, what do you feel? I; I'm scared, very scared.

And again he was saying it is just an experiece, I tried to hold in my mind. He leveled me for a couple minutes and then stood up to get an blanket. And said to me this is an special blancket from my collection, it is a blancket of safety. I crawled under it and it helped. I still was panicking as an idiot but I slowly calmed down. 

S was completely tripping on her own and asked many times to N how i was. She wants helping me but didn't know how to. S was also very busy at this point. (She probaly reached ego death and felt like she was 'god' / creator, she told me the day after she saw her smelting with the surroundings she was an object.)

So I concentrated on S and her movement/saying etc, it was a little heavy to deal but it felt good. In the meantime N has picked me an oxazepam, it would block the fear I'm experiencing. With no hazitate is swallowed that little f*cker. First it didn't do balls and was still panicking and focused on S, after some time I calmed down, still tripping very heavy and fast but I calmed down. I laid the rest of the trip on the couch trying to close my eyes and sleep so I could wake up, didnt help very much though. S was asking how I am because she wanted to be al good (she continue said to me N and herself;" it's al good. There is nothing to worry about" This was going on for couple of hours)

Lucky for me the trip was working of slowly, ending was near. Didn't realize it till N said at a point Bas come with me I take you to bed, try to get some sleep.  Immidately I felt reliefed, is this the end is this the last train station? Is it done over completed?! He walked me upstairs to bed, I laid down and rested. For an hour I was thinking of what happend, visuals were still everywhere but it was slow and not heavy to deal with anymore. I fel a sleep and had a tight sleeprest for a good amount of hours.

Next morning I waked up confused and desorientated, slowly walked downstairs where N sitted already and S was also comming downstairs. I said goodmorning, what the hell happend yesterday night?! I remembered a lot but i wanted to have a 100% fact that it really happend.

This was the most frightening trip I ever had on any psychedelics. But also the most beautifull because the first half was wonderfull and full of peace and happines.

Hope you enjoyed reading and maybe some can use this as information. You can't see in the future so you never now how the trips works out for you! Be carefull and have a experienced tripsitter with you. If I hadn't S and N, i probally couldn't write this down...

Carefully build up your doses of mushies, never go wild 1st time. I did mushrooms (and a lot of other psychedelics including DMT) before and still was overwhelmed what happend to me.