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Serve The Serpent

5 dried grams, home grown cubensis, silent darkness

What follows is my first trip report as a new member.  I have some decent historic experience with mushrooms from over 10 years ago during my university days and have only recently re-plunged into the murky depths. This is the most I have ever taken and I have to say, the experience blew my fucking head off! I've never before experienced intense visuals past the normal multi-coloured, breathing walls and floors type. No entities etc. Until now....

 5 dried grams of home-grown cubensis. In Silent Darkness. First real attempt at the much vaunted Mckenna method. Fasted for 5/6 hours. Ate raw at 23.20. Meditated in darkness in my office chair for a while. Came on ridiculously quickly, maybe 20 mins to half an hour. So strong I had to retreat to my bed and hold on, legs jelly. It begins with insane sci-fi buzzes and tones as always. High frequencies drift in and out of earshot, panning across the spectrum, heavily laced with supernatural reverb. Insect chattering and the general feeling of some obtuse, shadowy machine starting up, beginning to meld with me. It is insect and alien and yet still machine like. Intense physical churning and roiling as always. Out of nowhere / somewhere tentacles of some cosmic inspector grasp me, flowing towards and into me. I can actually see them under "reality" and feel them as they latch on. Its almost as if they were always there, an integral part of 'true' experience normally ignored by the reducing valve of the senses, and I am only now noticing that I have always been linked and enmeshed. Very intense and uncomfortable. I am turned and twisted within this undulating embrace. I say aloud, "If this is reality, then reality is fucking weird." It responds by kicking up a gear. The buzzing intensifies until it assumes an angry waspish tone. I remember attempting to pacify myself and thinking that it's all ok, that I can handle anything it can throw at me. The response is an instant kick in the teeth and a drastic increase of activity. It's as if whatever this is, is determined to knock me down, to punish my presumptions. Strange glyphs and symbols flash in luminescent whiteness. I open and close my eyes in the dark and it makes no matter to the visions' potency. I've always struggled with the visual element of tripping and was starting to believe that maybe I'm just not made that way, perhaps my chemistry is such that I have the thoughts / revelations but not the true hallucinations (sorry Terence). Turns out I just wasn't taking enough or in the correct conditions. I had always expected things to come alive within the material world but this was more like they were superimposed or laced on top of "normal", waking reality. Swirling patterns and forms shadow the movement of the sinister feelers. I can literally feel them rotating and inspecting me. I become aware that this is just what IS happening. I am being assessed by some octopus-insect-machine intelligence hidden within the psilocybin molecules. It is turning me over in its' serpent arms and weighing me, judging me, a reckoning of soul. Imagine a gigantic cosmic octopus and picture myself, tiny and insignificant, caught in the tentacle mesh. It sifts me like a pickpocket. It's not exactly awesome in its scope because it IS the scope, it IS the awe, it is the ALL. There is something grossly sinister about its perceived attitude towards me. It is cold and indifferent, purposeful. It's a very uncomfortable experience. I have immense difficulty holding it together, merging with the Great One. I beg for gentle platitudes. None come. I ask for visions, "what can you show me?", but hear nothing. Vague faces and entities peep out at me from the swirling gloom, coming and going, into and out of phase. I bottle it. This is so overwhelming, my ego can't accept the death. I rise and switch on the table lamp, momentarily blinded by the intense etched glyphs, patterns and colours. I attempt to start the laptop to play music to calm things but can't get it together enough so I end up rolling and contorting on the bed in abject fear. I find myself stuck in weird postures, my head on the mattress as I kneel on the sheets, as my mind drifts and i forget what I'm doing.

I think I aborted too soon, didn't pierce the veil and this sent me tumbling down the well of despair. I worry about anything and everything i can think of; Is Mum safe in Whitby? What will I do now I just quit my job? The main focus is on my mental state, I'm convinced that i will not return sane from this trip. I realise how others must see me, especially my neighbours. Reclusive, curtains drawn, untidy house / garden, weeds overgrowing the front and side of the house. This knowledge fucking terrifies me. I don't understand how someone with my level of social anxiety has been functioning in the world. I am ready to commit myself. Not due to the mushrooms but because of my normal, everyday mentality. Have I been hiding this from myself all these years? Do I strut about the place unaware that I am perceived as unfunctioning and insane? I become unnaturally concerned with the cleanliness of my surroundings to the point of obsession, it seems almost that I have committed some terrible crime against the universe, humanity and myself. I spend an eternity concerned that the cats are outside for the night, that the dogs are OK in the kitchen and in general, that the neighbours will find out I've been growing shrooms and I'll be carted off to a nightmarish escapade in prison (my neighbour is a detective in the CID!) I visualise / fantasise all these scenarios. Eventually I must be coming down slightly. I tell myself the usual reassurances  and that everything can wait until morning. Don't panic. Get your head together. I check the clock and it's only 2am. Feels as if a lifetime has passed me by. I let Buckley my cat in the window and spend long grateful minutes cuddling him. He is my salvation, my anchor back to myself. My guide in the darkness. I hold him up to my chest like a baby and we comfort each other. It hits me that I can repair my relationship with him first and that this will be the starting point, the fulcrum for my revolution. 

This was the strongest and deepest that I've ever gone. Now, the next afternoon I am bitterly disappointed that I didn't stick with the rolling, tentacled, darkness-monster but it was just TOO freaky. The main lesson is obviously to get my life / house in order. There are many things that I've been ignoring for far too long that need healing attention. All in all last night was the single most miraculous and terrifying experience I have ever had. I've still got 6 grams left and am seriously considering trying again in a few weeks. Next time I am determined not to give in to my egos frantic grasping and see the darkness out.

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