My First Ketamine “Trip”
It was just a normal Friday. I had no weed and was wanting to buy some and my tolerance had already started to drop a little because I hadn’t smoked for a while. So I call up my dealer to deliver when my dad leaves and he eventually comes and when I by the sac off him finally thinking in my head “finally I can smoke already” he shoots the question to me if I want to do Ketamine and at first I’m like are you serious and he’s like ya your dad’s not home right?
So we go into my living room and I turn on GTA 5. He takes the Ketamine out of his backpack and puts some lines out and they look like pretty big lines. I guess it was 50mg which is about half a K Hole dose so no I didn’t K Hole and still haven’t.
The line I snort (after he snorts one) seems pretty big but whatever I just rail it and it doesn’t really burn…that much at least but it does make your eyes water tremendously when you do it and it almost seems to become part of the experience. It isn’t too uncomfortable though and I’m not sure what causes the watering but it fully hits about 5 minutes later. There may be a strange feeling leading up to that but 5 minutes later when it actually hits it kind of just incapacitates you at least partially in a sort of slightly disorienting way similar to getting the spins as you can get some visual sliding but it is more boundary dissolving than the spins and is more concept softening.
There is I guess a disorganization of reality of the outside world and a stepping back of the inside world so while you’re stepping back everything around you is becoming increasingly more disorganized and useless to the way your mind is functioning. There is no “connection" like with psychedelics, there is no syntonic interaction with the universe just complete and utter detachment. A fuzzy unclear sedating attachment.
On it you may be slightly more prone to pattern recognition but not much and most likely only if you have used LSD before or other 60s drugs. Ketamine for me at least though it may sound kind of strange and “druggy” when compared to classic psychedelics it seems to hold up in the world of jungian thought and philosophies and I am definitely a jungian of some sort especially after doing LSD so Ketamine still gets a pass in my book even though this trip turned out to be quite distressing which from what I hear is rare with Ketamine.
And no I wasn’t trying to say Ketamine is philosophical when I brought up philosophies; anyways on with the “trip”…
I was just playing GTA 5 and eventually come to a point where I’m kind of like a zombie and stop caring about what’s going on on the screen. I’m in the hood getting shot by police and Ballas (Yes I’m playing as Franklin) and I just get shot down and it says ‘Wasted’ on the screen and I’m like “yes I am”
This is really hard to remember but I put the pieces together through the visuals I remember and the logic that follows it. Next thing I “know” I respawn at the hospital in the ghetto part of Los Santos and of course quickly cause a scene and the cops come. I get on this rooftop right across the street from the hospital and start shooting and shooting and this is when everything got SO disorganized and kind of dreamy in a way and things began to get fairly introspective but it’s not like “everything made sense” like on psychedelics things actually made a lot less sense and this stayed even after the experience was over.
I didn’t understand what had happened.
After I died again in the game my friend starts playing and eventually get’s to this tunnel underground where the subway runs and he somehow get’s on…and it confused me so much because I couldn’t figure out how he did it, how he actually got into the subway train. This was around my peak too and things were very dark and well..dissociated. Probably because we were in a tunnel.
After some strange emotionless introspection I get up and start walking around to look at and experience different things in my house so that I could really ‘study’ and analyze the drug because so far my attempt at analysis was not holding up. I was faced with a trip that I couldn’t analyze because analysis is also one of the concepts that seemed to drift away from me or make less sense, or at least it made less sense to analyze THIS because I’m still not sure what ‘this’ is or what is even happening.
I couldn’t study the experience very diligently at all because it was so amorphous and so unclear as to what was even happening or how analysis would even work in a situation like this and I just had not expected this. I didn’t expect it to be this weird and to be this hard to understand. It was confusing. I didn’t feel that confused on it mentally but trying to understand the experience and what was happening when it was happening just raised more questions than answers and it didn’t really give me anything useful or helpful that I could bring back to this reality.
With Ketamine it’s so hard to even just pinpoint one part of what’s happening because you don’t know where to begin and you don’t understand any of it and are not in any kind of condition to understand it and it doesn’t really make sense even afterwards. I kind of enter this attitude that goes away from my normal delineated perspective which is I guess one of the reasons I can’t analyze it.
Terence McKenna said the one thing he learned from Ketamine was that he could get so high that he forgot what being high is. He said he got so loaded on that stuff that he “lost the concept loaded” and that had never happened to him before. I guess if Ketamine taught me anything it was that it was possible to enter a headspace that I “couldn’t” analyze what was happening to me at least like I normally do and I figured that after taking LSD that I could really analyze anything and I would always be able to delineate something and pinpoint exactly what it did. Never have I ever encountered anything as amorphous as Ketamine though and I really expected it to be much different. Since people use it at raves I figured it would be at least somewhat comparable to MDMA but no….not only could I not figure out how people used this shit at raves but how anyone would even use this stuff recreationally or for fun. It just seems like a really powerful weird drug.
When I walked across my living room it was very weird and hard to describe but I could somehow easily see it’s hallucinogenic effects when walking. Some things looked different but it wasn’t really that visual. The "visuals” on Ketamine are like no other because they’re like “physical” but…then again not really much. I don’t know how to describe it. Not a visual drug. I can see now why people call it psychedelic heroin though even though it’s not a psychedelic technically; or ‘hippie smack’.
I go up to my room and look at everything which all looks different like my Jefferson Airplane posters and the book Be Here Now.
I forgot to mention this was the day after Paul Kantner died so we were listening to Jefferson Airplane those songs House at Pooneil Corners and Thing and listening to Thing was just awesome. Really one of the only things I enjoyed about Ketamine. I remember some of the auditory effects I was getting in the beginning was insane. Almost hurt at one point.
Eventually after listening to Thing for a while I start randomly getting nervous and uneasy/kind of nauseous so I get up again walk down to the family room of my house than back to the living room again feeling just…not quite right..
I feel scared and like internally and physically something is wrong but I can’t feel pain and this is when things start to go bad.
I feel like I’m on PCP or some crazy shit like that and I start thinking to myself; “wow maybe I shouldn’t try PCP and maybe I shouldn’t try this and this etc.” and I just started getting scared of all these drugs that I had considered maybe doing at some point in time at least once but this Ketamine experience was so scary and unexpected that it really made me reconsider and I for some reason didn't think I was gonna get out of this alive. My perception of things were changed slightly but I wasn’t paying attention to any of this I was too worried. I go outside to my front door because I feel so nauseous and uneasy and things are a little brighter but heavy….but at the same time lighter because I didn’t feel attached to my body and it was quite freaky. I had done dissociatives before but this was just too much dissociation.
I tried to check my heart beat because I thought I was dying but I couldn’t even feel my hand on my chest which was very scary. I’m not sure if I knew it was an anesthetic at the time or not.
Soon I lean over the railing on my porch and start puking and my friend comes out to try to..make me feel better I guess? I have no clue. Eventually I decide to leave my front porch but I do not want to go inside so I go in and turn off the video game then we go to my backyard.
I sit down and start puking some more and my friend is just like “ya that’s Ketamine” even though puking is not that common and he was definitely not anywhere close to puking and his Ketamine was very pure. Apparently from somewhere in Europe too.
Eventually after puking I look through the window into my family room (still very high) and see shimmers of light shine through the cracks of the door and am like “wtf” because that was the doorway through the garage and there’s no reason there should be light shining through the cracks unless…someone opened the garage door….
Soon I realize that my dad must have come home early and the so I dart up and run over to the side door to look inside the garage and soon enough I see him there and run over to my other friend in the back to tell him he has to leave and he’s like “get my backpack from the living room” and so I’m thinking “Oh shit I hope it doesn’t smell like weed or that he sees me trying to run out with the backpack” so I get it and go out the front door and bring it to my friend and when I’m walking I feel like I’m on ether or something like in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas when they’re at circus circus and can barley walk. Somehow I could walk fine but “feel” like I was walking sloppy. Once I get over to him and he’s about to leave I’m like “when will I be sober when will I be sober” and he’s like it lasts 2 hours man you’ll be good in an hour and I’m just breathing heavy and I’m like “ok….”
So he leaves and I go down to the canyon behind my house with the weed but still not smoking it because I was high and wanting to just come down. Nature looked slightly different and better, almost in an exotic way. This whole feeling of the Ketamine was so sickening and felt so dirty. If felt very nauseated and sick and the feeling was kind of heavy and all over me, the bad high wasn’t too bad or anything but the feeling in my stomach was just sickening and brought about a sickening attitude that made me feel like I had just watched a snuff film. Like I could easily see how something like this can be used in very serious life or death situations as an anesthetic pain killer.
It was very prodigious the space I entered and a lot more so than I thought. It felt like I had entered something fairly large and deep but that I had only stuck my foot inside. From friend said it would be like DMT and even though I knew that wasn’t true I could see what he means because it was very powerful and psychonautic. It’s not beautiful or magical or radiant like psychedelics and is not emotional at all or the least bit spiritual. It’s pretty dull when compared to the psychedelics.
I remember I decided that it was eventually ok to smoke a bowl and after doing so i couldn’t even feel my feet inside of my shoes so I was like “Oh shit no..I’m not ready for this. Not again” and though the whole experience was very sickening and kind of scary I can actually see myself using it again and I actually did feel it opened my mind in some small strange ways.
After effects: Later that night I was smoking in that canyon again and saw one of the stars form Orion’s belt wiggle out of place. Then later I spit at a bush and the way my spit landed looked like it was a web being shot from spider man.