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Near Death Experience
Near Death Experience
Dose: 4g Dried
Ive had many mushroom trips over the years but have never
taken as much as 4g. I had decided that the time had come to try a larger dose
as I wanted to see if it could provide me with both experience and insight that
would help me with a severe anxiety disorder that I have suffered with for
years. My friend SWIM also said he would like to experience a high dose trip,
so we both agreed that we would dose 5g each.
The days leading up to the trip I was anxious about the dose, I didnt know if my mind would be stable enough to relax and accept what the mushroom had to show me. SWIM was also nervous so we decided it would be sensible to stick with a 4g, and this is what we did.
We soaked the 4g each in the fresh juice of a squeezed
organic lemon and let that sit for 20 minutes. We then topped up the mixture
with fresh orange juice, quickly drank it and moved into the candlelit living
room where we would be spending the rest of the trip.
The onset was very quick. Within 15 minutes the effects started to become apparent to both of us. My whole body began to tremble, a bottle green hue tinted any light in the room and a blanket that was on the floor began to slowly curl up at the corners and pull itself away from the carpet. It began to shrink like when a crisp packet shrinks under the intense heat of a fire. We both felt extremely sick but agreed not to vomit as we wanted to retain as much of the mushroom as possible. At this point I cannot say how the trip progressed in terms of time as I feel we were quickly propelled into a timeless place of colour!
My living room was soon filled with colourful fireflies, the exposed bricks on my wall moved about and merged with each other, candles burned extremely bright and the images in a painting on my wall melted and merged into a collage of swirling colours. For a while I was completely absorbed in the beauty of the magical land that my living room had become, completely absorbed and thoughtless, just an observer.
It was then that i questioned what all this was and why my living room had been transformed into this magical land. I had completely forgotten that I had taken the mushrooms. I knew this was drug induced but I couldnt remember taking a drug. I asked SWIM what we had taken and he instantly replied a mushroom. Although I recognised the word mushroom I couldnt identify what a mushroom was, and therefore found it hard to believe I had taken one. The frustration I felt at this point started to become intense so I had to force myself to let the thought go, and within seconds the thought was gone.
As SWIM shared his experience with me i realised I was having to try really hard to understand him. His voice seemed to be very unclear, however at this point I could still understand him and his experiences sounded amazing. He got up and left the room to use the bathroom and it was at this point whilst I was alone that I entered into a place of dark thoughts. I began to imagine a life in prison, and what it might be like to have your freedom completely taken away from you. As the thoughts deepened my body began to assume a really awkward position in the corner, propped up against the couch which was causing my back to ache. I felt cold and tried to pull a blanket over me which had a massive knot in the centre of it, as I lifted the blanket over me I got caught in the knot, it became a live animal, a tiger, I felt like I was being attacked and dramatically fought back until the knot released itself and I was able to use it to cover up and get warm. I continued to think about people in unfortunate and difficult positions in life and cried for them, I could feel pain for these people and imagining their pain broke my heart.
By this point SWIM was back in the room and was still relaying his experience to me but by this point the issues I had understanding his voice had intensified dramatically. Now I couldnt understand anything he was saying and was having to ask him to repeat absolutely everything. This caused me anxiety as I imagined this was really annoying for him but I couldnt stop it and it seemed to be getting worse.
It was at this point the trip became extremely intense.
SWIM stood up and said he was about to vomit, he couldnt contain it and started to vomit as he stumbled towards the kitchen to get to the sink. He seemed weak but kept saying he was ok. He became panicked because of the vomit in the living room and was ignoring my instruction for him to sit and rest, he wanted to clean. I could tell his mind was racing. He decided to get a bath to freshen up and asked me to sit by the bathroom door and not leave him but I kept finding myself becoming preoccupied with fixing the living room curtains before remembering that I should be sitting by the bathroom with him.
After his bath he said he needed medical help and we spoke about the possibilities of calling and ambulance or walking the streets for help. Up until this point I felt completely stable but that soon changed. SWIM was trying to communicate with me to decide what would be the best and most sensible course of action to get him the help he needed without drawing any police attention to my home, but the issues I had understanding SWIM had at this point became unbearable. I wanted to help but I couldnt understand a single word that was coming out of his mouth and it was killing me to see my friend in need of help and not being able to help him in any way. I began to panic. The beauty of the trip had now transformed into a mass of obstacles that we would have to fight through in order to gain some clarity. At this point all I could understand was that something bad was happening, and that we needed to leave my home to get help. I realised that I needed to put my shoes on but when I got to my shoes I didnt know how to use them, I didnt know how to get a shoe onto a foot and once the shoe is on the foot how it functions. I felt completely disabled, unable to make a decision, unable to understand language, unable to function. I froze, in a state of extreme panic. I could hear SWIM talking to me but because I couldnt understand his words I had to try and block out his voice to avoid my panic from becoming worse. I eventually calmed myself down and tried to calm SWIM down by telling him that nothing is seriously wrong, and that he is just sick from the mushroom and that no harm will come to him. We agreed to stay indoors and not leave as things could get dangerous.
We sat together in the hallway, SWIM was convinced he was going to die and I dont know how this happened but I soon convinced myself I was going to die. We both sat in despair waiting to die. I was so tired and wanted to sleep but SWIM said we needed to remain conscious. Because of this I then became convinced that if I was to sleep I would die and therefore fighting sleep was fighting death. The fight was too much and I told myself that the pain of staying awake was unhealthy and that death would be the best choice. I told SWIM I wanted to die. I thought of how upset my Sister and my friend Michele would be but also told myself that everybody dies and that we all have to experience the upset of the death of others at some point in our lives. It was at this point that I questioned the difference between suicide and enlightenment. When a person becomes enlightened and choses to transcend they make a conscious choice to leave the human body, but this isnt suicide, so what is suicide I questioned. Im still fighting to stay awake, fighting for life and an answer to way out of this hell. It was then I realised that there is no such thing as death, and that there is no such thing as birth, these are both just transitions in consciousness and that life is never ending. I realised that we experience death every time we sleep, and birth every time we wake, I realised that suicide differs from transcendence in that suicide is an attempt to abandon life, whist transcendence is a choice to progress through life. I realised that from this moment I must fight for life in every way possible as doing the opposite is a slow path to suicide. I realised that everything on this planet is the same, and that all people are the same and on the same journey, all part of one massive living organism. Whilst I was thinking these thoughts I felt as if my body was filling with enormous amounts of light and energy, filling me with happiness and peace. I felt as if I was about to explode. I looked up and SWIM and he took hold of my hand, I seen what I perceived as hope in SWIMs eye and was convinced at that moment that he was experiencing the same thoughts as me. I was filled with love and wanted to give all that love to SWIM, I made contact with his body in an attempt to fill him with love, I hugged and kissed him and told him how much he means to me and how grateful I am to have him in my life. I felt like I was achieving enlightenment and I told SWIM that everything was going to be ok from now. Because SWIM forced me to stay awake it was SWIM that triggered the thoughts that provided me with this insight, he saved my life.
I feel we both started to feel more settled at this point and we moved out of the hallway and into the living room and lay on the living room floor. SWIM switched on the light and it shone with warmth and clarity. We lay under the light which looked like a massive illuminated mushroom. Everywhere seemed calm and all surfaces in the room including us where smooth and soft. I was convinced I had realised the meaning of life. I could feel all my anxieties melting away. I felt past issues in my mind automatically resolving themselves. The light continued to become brighter every time I would think a positive thought. This gave me the motivation to keep thinking as many positive thoughts as I possibly could. And so I did, and the light continued to glow brighter and brighter. We lay under the light and reflected back on what was a really intense experience. The darkness that we both felt at one point was now a distant memory, but a memory of an experience that brought us both close to death and closer to each other.
Over the years I have developed a type of attention deficit
disorder meaning I am unable to concentrate on anything for even a very short
amount of time. Reading books is impossible for me and listing to a person talk
is frustratingly hard. I feel the mushroom wanted to focus on this issue by
creating the issues I had understanding SWIMs voice in this trip. The mushroom
forced me to focus all my attention on trying to listen and understand SWIM
which became essential at the point when the trip went bad. By trying extremely
hard I was able to overcome this issue and understand SWIMs voice but only by
remaining aware and with a strong intention to focus hard. If I would let my
focus slip I would again begin to have trouble understanding his voice. The
mushroom was showing me that with strong focus and intention I will be able to
overcome my attention deficit disorder. For the mushroom to be able to
highlight this disorder and provide a platform on which I was able to work
through it is profound. I never would
have thought that the issues I was having with SWIMs voice at the beginning of
the trip was the start of the mushrooms work on one of my major issues. Im
truly thankful and amazed at the power and intelligence of the magic mushroom.
Tuesday 15th March 2016